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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:
Outnotdown · 10/07/2019 17:38

I completely agree with you. Could your husband have a quiet word about how your eldest will perceive the situation? It seems very insensitive to me.

PrayingandHoping · 10/07/2019 17:39

What a sad situation. I would be upset that she's not treated as an equal in terms of presents and invitations.

Unless your DH wants to bring it up with his family though I think you're going to have to swallow it. 🤷‍♀️

Wildboar · 10/07/2019 17:39

That’s really sad. It’s different that your dd2 wasn’t invited to ex’s family’s wedding as she is not related to him. But dd1 is part of your husbands family even though she is not biologically related. That would be very sad for her to be left out. It would be worse though if she was there but not flower girl. Better for her not to see.

In an ideal world they would treat her as family and make them both flower girls.

Singlenotsingle · 10/07/2019 17:39

Can't you just ask them? I agree the two girls should be treated equally. But what about her paternal grandparents? Aren't they on the scene at all?

Alliumlove · 10/07/2019 17:41

I agree with you too. If it was a casual relationship, perhaps, but you are married!

minime01 · 10/07/2019 17:42

Totally agree should be invited and someone needs to have quiet word with them

Namenic · 10/07/2019 17:42

I think weddings are tough because people are pushed for space and budget and lots of people want to have a say - not just the couple...

I would try and not get offended over wedding decisions. Be happy if there is a good personal relationship and maybe organise some stuff yourself so people come over to you so dd1 is included.

7sausagedoggys · 10/07/2019 17:43

That's very insensitive of them ☹️

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2019 17:46

I think the whole thing sounds really sad. I’d struggle to be nice about bringing the girls around to be treated differently and would happily say we need to limit contact as I understand she’s not your granddaughter but she’s a child and just sees that she has no family except me as her dads side don’t do anything either . I’m her mum and I can’t watch that. They might not be ‘bad’ people but they are pretty bloody thoughtless, the pil especially.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 17:46

This is why we don't go to child-free weddings. I feel sorry for your daughter. Aside from the wedding, I think your husband needs to remind people that this girl is his family and they are hurting him by excluding her.

Jimdandy · 10/07/2019 17:52

Hmmm it’s a really tough situation I can see it from both points of view really.

I would expect a token gift at Christmas and birthdays but not the full she-bang. I can see why she wasn’t asked to be a flower girl though as she isn’t related to them to be honest.

Blended families are difficult.

My husband has 2 older children and 2 with me and we go on “naice” holidays and take the kids and their Mum’s children with her new boyfriends don’t get to go with us and have to hear all about it.

My Mum takes my children on holiday and doesn’t ask his older 2.

stucknoue · 10/07/2019 17:52

I'm sorry for your dd, I would have broken contact with this so called family over their treatment years ago. It's just wrong. Ok a smaller gift perhaps but shunning her is wrong

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/07/2019 17:52

I don’t think BIL has done anything wrong, he wants his niece as flower girl and your eldest isn’t his niece. If the rest of the wedding is child free, then he may feel if he makes the exception for one child others will expect the same.

SandyY2K · 10/07/2019 17:56

I don't think you should ask for her to be invited. If you want to make a point or it's not the weekend with her dad, then you don't have to go to the wedding yourself .

She isn't their GD or niece and while you can expect your DH to treat her equally, you can't demand that from his family. These are the trials and tribulations of blended families .

Let it go.

MyOpinionIsValid · 10/07/2019 18:00

The thing is, they aren't her family - they are so far removed. DD2 is their family though. DD1 has her own family, if they are shit, then that's unfortunate. If she goes to her Dads and comes j=home with presents, does he send presents for DD2 ? of course he doesn't and no one would expect him to. But second/step families are always expected to fork out.

I do think it rude not to acknowledge birthdays, DD1 is part of their extended family - but you shouldn't expect parity. She isn't their grand daughter.

25 years on, I still have to say about my bridal party 'what was her name?' - my DBro brought his latest squeeze. It doesn't annoy me as such, but she shouldn't have been in the intimate family photos. She of course is now a long forgotten ex. So forgotten shes still peering out from the wedding photos and we cant remember her name !

melissasummerfield · 10/07/2019 18:00

I think your in laws are cruel , how awful for your dd!

Your husband should be addressing it with them, not just the wedding but all the other stuff too.

itsallafiddle · 10/07/2019 18:02

Tricky situation all round. Can totally see where you are coming from, but as PP said, he wants his niece as flower girl and if they invite your dd to the child free wedding they'll have everyone else wanting to know why their dc weren't invited. I'm not sure what the answer is to this dilemma!

TidyDancer · 10/07/2019 18:04

I wouldn't treat your eldest DD any differently at all if this was me, particularly since she has been in the family for such a long time. It would obviously be different if it was a new relationship.

This is very unfair and I think I would withdraw your younger DD from the wedding tbh. IMO it really does need to be a both or neither scenario.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2019 18:04

How well do you and her dad get on? Can he take her somewhere nice that weekend instead that she wouldn't get to do if dd2 had to come along?

Jojoanna · 10/07/2019 18:05

I think it’s mean not to acknowledge her birthday as she’s only a child , plus I think they should invite her to the wedding . It’s their brothers step child.

Ember12 · 10/07/2019 18:06

I feel so sorry for your daughter! What an awful way to treat a 9 year old. I wouldn't be going and neither would my youngest.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 10/07/2019 18:08

YANBU this would really upset me and I do not understand attitudes like this at all! I think your partner needs to speak to his family about it.

LaundryIsADisease · 10/07/2019 18:10

I think that's really cruel. Of course she is family.
What insensitive people.

cardamoncoffee · 10/07/2019 18:12

Your poor DD, I can't believe you are letting her be treated this way OP. She presumably has been your DP's stepchild for at least 6 years? I appreciate that they won't feel the same about her as their bio Dgc but they seem so cold not to invite her to a wedding that isn't even child free, they are sending a very clear message that they don't consider her to be a part of your dp's family. The awful thing is that this happens on her dad's side too, so she is growing up not actually belonging in either parent's family unit 😭

GrabbyGertie · 10/07/2019 18:12

I can see both sides really. Your DD1 isn’t their niece so I get why they aren’t thinking of her as immediate family. Does your daughter actually think of them as Uncles and Aunties?

I also think token presents are ok although it would be far more tactful to just give a family present. I guess your DD1 gets presents from her Dads family so presumably doesn’t end up with less presents than her sister.

It’s tricky. If I were your husbands brother then I would have asked your daughter to the wedding.