Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:

Zoobluebabypink · 10/07/2019 18:36

YANBU, that’s really a shame. I could understand more if your eldest was 19 but she’s only 9 bless her

CassianAndor · 10/07/2019 18:36

Do GPs really not great their DC's stepchildren as family? God, that's sad.

Beesandcheese · 10/07/2019 18:36

I think adults that can't see the connection and it's importance are very immature. Your husband (his chosen life) and daughter are being treated with very little respect.

JaimeBronde · 10/07/2019 18:39

your in laws are cruel , how awful for your dd!
Your husband should be addressing it with them, not just the wedding but all the other stuff too

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
This with whistles, bells & knobs on.

I would not stand for my DD being treated in this way.

growlingbear · 10/07/2019 18:40

When he married you she became family. I'd find it pretty easy to decide on this one. If she's not invited no one goes.

foreverhanging · 10/07/2019 18:41

I feel so sorry for your daughter. She might feel like nobody wants her anywhere and that's got to be so awful. Would someone have a word? She doesn't need to be in the wedding, just invited along because it's awful her entire family will be going and not her.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 18:41

I think people are being mean about the gifts.

Your dd gets stuff at Christmas when she’s with them. She gets birthday gifts when they’re invited to share in her birthday.

You’re being a bit ridiculous I think in wanting dd1 to be a flower girl! She’s not his niece, he’s nice to her, and she’s got to be a flower girl at a family wedding that dd2 wasn’t invited to!

It’s not unusual for people to have child free weddings and allow the bridal party dc to go. It’s not for everyone but it does happen.

I just think expecting too much from someone leads to disappointment and they probably assume that her dad can have her that weekend!

I genuinely don’t see the big deal.

Fatted · 10/07/2019 18:41

I'm also wondering what your DH is saying and doing about all of this? Because it smacks of that's how he perceives his step daughter and they've taken their lead from him.

Rm2018 · 10/07/2019 18:41

They are assholes. Why are you letting her be singled out. She should get gifts even if smaller and certainly should be invited to wedding. Don't let dd2 be in wedding it sends a message you all you including think she is better

TheGrapefulDread · 10/07/2019 18:42

I am afraid for Xmas I would buy Grandpa a token gift and G’ma nothing and wait for the penny to drop ! I think this sort of shite is just too toxic to be endured especially by a child ffs.

omafiet · 10/07/2019 18:43

That’s sad, I’d say I’m not going, and if you only want one of my two children then you get none.
Let your husband go alone. His family are arseholes.

I actually agree with this. Having one child in the bridal party and excluding one child is bad enough, but not even inviting her to the wedding? Jesus wept. That poor child. But I'm also not of the "only blood means family" opinion.

Teddybear45 · 10/07/2019 18:44

Honestly the best thing to do here would be to tactfully make it clear to DD1 that they aren’t family before it causes resentment. As such make it clear that she doesn’t need to make time for them if she doesn’t want to. Make Christmas about your family (not the in laws) whether DD1 is around or not and only allow DD2 to open the presents from her grandparents on boxing day or another day that’s convenient.

CassianAndor · 10/07/2019 18:44

I genuinely don’t see the big deal.

This little girl has been in this man's life since she was, what, 2? Younger? And yet his family have always treated her as 'other'.

How can you stand for that, OP? Who is this little girl's advocate?

pallisers · 10/07/2019 18:45

My bil has 2 step children and one of his own. We make no difference between them. They are all treated as grandchildren - presents/money/included in family photos. I give complete credit to my MIL for this as she treated them as grandchildren from the start. I know one of my SILs feels differently but she follows my Mil's lead.

I could maybe understand only having the niece as flower girl - maybe. But not inviting your dd to the wedding at all is weird. They must have known her since she was at least 3 and their brother/son regards her as a member of his family so how can they not consider her part of their brother's/son's family?

The only way I could see this as reasonable (and even then I would think it very odd) is if they have lots of nephews and nieces but the only one invited is dd2 so dd1 is being treated the same as everyone else. That would be weird though.

mamaoffourdc · 10/07/2019 18:46

I've been your eldest dd, and it is so hurtful - your daughters are sisters and should be treated the same, if the family cannot accept that then they don't get to be part of the younger child's life - it's an all or nothing xx

dillusionaldog · 10/07/2019 18:46

i think theres a huge difference between the flower girl duties. DD2 has no reason to be in your exes life so why would she go to his families wedding? I presume DD1 lives with you and DH majority of the time so she is part of the family. As such his family should be including her. Your DH needs to speak up and I would be disappointed he didnt do it earlier.

category12 · 10/07/2019 18:46

I also don't understand how you can have a child-free wedding but still want the cutesy flower girls: it's bleddy hypocritical and not very nice or fun for the dc involved. But that's aside.

Where's your DH in all this?

Aworldofmyown · 10/07/2019 18:47

I have been the child that 'doesn't really fit' in either family. Its not a great place to be

foreverhanging · 10/07/2019 18:49

@Aworldofmyown

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 18:49

And yet his family have always treated her as 'other'.

But this is what I mean. They’ve gotten her gifts just not up to OP’s standard it seems.

SIL has randomly bought dd1 stuff that she knows she likes.

They don’t sound like cruel, evil, horrible people to me! 🤷🏻‍♀️

pallisers · 10/07/2019 18:49

I think the point about the stepmum's family wedding is not that dd2 wasn't invited but that in a similar situation - family of the stepmum getting married, dd1 wasn't invited to that wedding either. So neither of her step-families seem to regard her as a member of their family.

GreenTulips · 10/07/2019 18:50

Are you going without her OP? I wouldn’t see one child left out.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 18:50

The thing is, I’m a step-mum and I have a step niece.

My family never treated sd differently, and we don’t treat step niece differently. But I can still sort of see their point!

I don’t think it’s cruel if dd1 will be with her dad that weekend anyway!

huuskymam · 10/07/2019 18:51

This is so sad. DD1 gets to see mam, dad and sis get dressed up and head out to a wedding. Imagine how she'll be feeling.

I'd be telling the couple that dd2 wont be attending but you'll go with DH. Seems so unfair on one to be left out.

Nothingcomesforfree · 10/07/2019 18:51

They are going to be treated differently even if DD1 is invited. She’ll stick out as the only child there and not a bridesmaid.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14