DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

Thank you so much for every one who took the time to respond. Just to clarify the girls are half sisters. They are both mine but the youngest only is my husband’s. My ex is remarried with a family and eldest is treated very well by them all. I do not expect them to include DD2 as they are not related... I referenced my eldest daughter’s step-Mother’s sibling who did not extend a wedding invitation to her and now her step- uncle hasn’t either.
I spoke to my husband who has always treated her well. He worked out that it would fall on her father’s weekend. While he genuinely couldn’t see my point he spoke to his brother who spoke to his fiancée. Still not invited!
The other members of the bridal party are her family and Godchildren and it was my MiL who pushed for my youngest. The Godchild/ren also have siblings who are not invited! What hurt me was he apparently said that it would be difficult to square with cousins if they included stepchildren!
They clearly don’t see her as family.
I totally appreciate people responding but life with the in-laws is not bad for my eldest daughter... she will run up to FiL and he will spend time with her.- as they all do. When both together on a day to day basis they are treated equally. My daughter has another life with her dad and half/step siblings. She goes to Disney etc and overall does get more presents and experiences than younger one. But still I am gutted by wedding. I can’t agree with those saying I have to withdraw my youngest I cannot see what it would achieve apart from causing tension between them.
Well my first foray into mumsnet. I am going to let it go and if it’s mentioned I will stress that she was a bridesmaid for her own uncle. She calls them by their first name. Going forward I will have birthday tea for her and invite them so they have to acknowledge that. The only other occasion that I can see on the horizon is a significant birthday I will say loudly that eldest one is fond of them and would like to be included. I think I not go to in-laws’ at Christmas to avoid the token presents . Eldest daughter has never commented. A huge thank you. It has clarified things and not how I imagined . In my house they are equal but can’t exploit from others as long as they are nice .. which they always have been.

Expect not exploit.

The Godchild/ren also have siblings who are not invited!

Well there you go then! Unconventional but nothing to do with her being a step!

I suppose if the wedding falls on DD1's weekend with her father, and she is not upset to be missing out (as she was a bridesmaid in another wedding), it wouldn't do any harm to go to the wedding and let DD2 be flower girl.

I would make the bare minimum effort with in-laws though, polite but not warm, token present for bride and groom, wouldn't spend Christmas Day with them, etc. If they refuse to treat the girls equally and include DD1 they shouldn't be seeing them.

Differential treatment is damaging for both children - the favoured child and non favoured child.

Nope sorry, just no. They have to stop treating your daughters so differently. Families come in different shapes and to exclude your daughter in such obvious ways is so heartbreaking. Of course she doesn’t notice yet, she is young, but she will. This isn’t the same, but my grandparents treated my cousins very differently. It became painfully obvious as I grow up. Don’t kid yourself you are storing up trouble. As others have said, your husband is the one enabling this. That is the most difficult aspect.

Sorry but I think you're storing up trouble for the future and I think it's Fucking shameful that your husband seems to agree with them!!

That indicates to me that however he may seem to act towards your eldest dd now he doesn't really see her as part of his family and I think it highly likely that come the difficult teen years this will become more apparent to you and your dds.

This is classic gc/sg dynamic developing and you're letting it.

It's not just the sg that suffers either - go and do some reading on toxic families and start sticking up for your dds NOT to be treated like that!

I always make the mistake of assuming that other parents stick up for their kids the way I do mine.

I guess Mumsnet is full of women where that was not the case.

I think you’re right OP. They’re treating your dd exactly the same as other related siblings!

Don’t know why posters are still frothing after your update tbh.

And the people so determined to wind you up don’t have to live your life!

The other members of the bridal party are her family and Godchildren and it was my MiL who pushed for my youngest. The Godchild/ren also have siblings who are not invited! What hurt me was he apparently said that it would be difficult to square with cousins if they included stepchildren!
They clearly don’t see her as family.

I think it sounds like the bride wants some cute kids in her wedding party and only those are invited. So not as bad as it originally seemed. They are rude, but not specifically rude to your DD. It sounds like the bride was planning on not having any of the groom’s family involved.

At least now it’s been mentioned they’ll know that if there’s a big birthday party or the likes that you and your DH won’t stand for 3 of the 4 of you being invited.

Fair enough if you weren't in a committed relationship or living together, or even if DD didn't live with you, but you are married for goodness sake and a family unit. She should be treated like any other member of the family and I feel very sorry for her. My ds is completely part of dp's family. He is treated no differently to any of the other children. Dp treats him like his own and so do his family.
In your situation I would not be going and neither would my youngest and I would be having words with DH about his attendance too.

The fact it’s her Dad’s weekend, and the fact other siblings aren’t invited, means you can go, having made your point, without wwiii erupting.

The key is what happens after this. Hopefully they’ll react properly and it’ll never be an issue again.

Op my husband's extended family did this to my eldest son. At first it wasn't as obvious as there weren't many children in the family. Then everyone had kids themselves and Christmas became very noticeable - no gift for ds. He noticed it as he had gotten older. We no longer go. Christmas should be enjoyable for him, not an opportunity to show him he's different and leave him out.

I think they should have asked both girls to be flower girls! DD1 is his niece by marriage if not by blood and it’s absolutely rotten to treat her like she’s a second class citizen.
I’d insist both of your girls are treated equally, not Just over this wedding but in general.
I think you need to write a carefully composed email or letter explaining that your DC are sisters and need to be seen to both be treated as family as it’s unfair and upsetting to DD1 and will cause hurt and resentment between the girls in the future.
Your partner needs to fully back you up on this issue.

I think they should have asked both girls to be flower girls! DD1 is his niece by marriage if not by blood and it’s absolutely rotten to treat her like she’s a second class citizen.

I do ageee, but at least it’s not just DD1 they’ve done that too.

The other bridal party members have uninvited siblings so sounds like they’ve gone down the ‘one from each sibling set’.

Which is rude, but not as rude as ‘well DD1 means nothing so she’s not invited’

What a shame! Your poor DD is only 9 years old and she’s basically being put in her place by your new in laws. Also very hurtful for tryout younger DD as she grows up and sees her sister being treated differently. I think in your situation I would have to let DH take your youngest DD along to the wedding whilst I stayed home or did something special with your other DD. Some people are so thoughtless!
Thankfully when my stepkids were younger my family all gave them the same value of gifts etc.

You sound very sensible op

No need for ultimatums where everyone loses x

Why are people so silly & thoughtless... you are a family unit and your eldest has been in these peoples lives since she was 2/3 years old I assume .... it is never ever right to make one child feel less important or loved than another and all adults should never condone or try to justify this .... you do not need to be bonded by blood to care how a small child may feel.. how will your daughter feel when the photos are shared and the happy memories of this day discussed on family visits ... please be firm and ask your husband to help you resolve this together ...good luck and I hope they all see sense ... ps haven’t read the whole thread yet!

JUst wanted add you sound like a great mum and decent, sensitive and perceptive person ... your daughters will manage through these difficult situations as you are their to guide them...

This thread is now in the Metro.

I’m less worried about the wedding, more about the continual feeling that your eldest daughter is not treated the same. OP please stick up for her. I was the less-loved child. The lack of presents compared to my sibling, not being included, feeling like you’re second best and can’t do anything right.... It all seeps in there and erodes your self-esteem. As an adult I also feel massively let down by the fact my parents didn’t protect me, despite of being aware of what was going on. I never said anything either, but it caused massive damage that I still struggle with now. It’s great that within your immediate family home everyone’s equal, but I’d be amazed if she doesn’t pick up on it, or if not at the moment when she’s a teen. Maybe I’m projecting, but please look out for her. She only gets one childhood and it lays the foundation for the rest of her life.

Your update gives good clarification.

@TibetanCherryTree

your eldest isn’t his niece

Yes she is. She is his Step-Niece

Step is a very significant word here. If your stepmum isn't your mum, why does your niece suddenly forcefully become a niece. Not many mums would want a stepmum called a mum.

I have 2 DDs. One has previously been asked to be a flower girl and the other hasn't.

It's not my right to demand that both my DDs are included in the bridal party. That's way too entitled.

It wasn't a child free wedding, so DD1 was still invited. There are 2 years between my DDs and the older one wasn't upset about not being a flower girl at all.

I remember the same thing as a child. Sometimes Dsis was a flower girl and I wasn't...and vice versa.

I personally wouldn't want to not invite DD1 in the OPs case and they could have made an exception even if it was a childfree wedding. However, it's very clear they want a total childfree wedding, excluding the bridal party.

Childfree weddings usually allow for children of the family to attend...so in that respect they are being unreasonable.... but if your DD got to come, the cousin's parents could get upset that their kids were overlooked above a stepchild.

I think not having her as a flower girl is acceptable tbh.

I chose one niece in law to be a flower girl at my wedding and not her sister. I had my own niece as well and didn't want 3 flower girls. My BIL began moaning to DH about it.

I pointed out that the bridal party was my choice, as the grooms party were his choice. Perhaps your MIL should not have intervened in this case.

Life isn't always fair and I think parents very often make these situations worse by projecting their own feelings. Maybe some form of guilt that the child is part of a blended family following a relationship breakdown.

The reality is she isn't exactly the same relation to them as their own GD.

This is not the same with an adopted child as pp have tried to compare...because an adopted child doesn't go to their dad's EOW. If the couple split, grandparents can still see the adopted child. They have no right or entitlement to see DD1 if you split up with your H.

Has anyone ever thought that the second child in these scenarios could feel miffed about their half sibling getting more presents than them. I've got a colleague who said she resented having to 'share' her grandparents and seeing her half and step siblings come back from their dad's houses with gifts from dad and paternal GPs.

I agree that withdrawing DD2 would only make things worse and not help in anyway at all.

That's akin to throwing toddler tantrum.

My daughters father didn’t bother inviting his OWN daughter )to his new daughters christening. I was so sad for my daughter.

For those saying DD1 isn’t actually family - would you think it okay for an adopted child to be excluded?
Utter nonsense. She’s family. What’s happened is tactless and insensitive.

I think you're handling it as well as you can. Making the point that DD1 has already been a flower girl elsewhere helps, and if she's at her dad's anyway, then she won't miss out. It's not like she'll witness you all dressing up then be stuck at home. I still think their attitude sucks but if you minimise the occasion and so long as she won't be hurt by it, I think you have made the right choice.