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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:
beargrass · 10/07/2019 18:13

I think this is awful. Do they plan to treat her differently the whole way through her life? What happens when both are teenagers - surely this will cause resentment between the two sisters at least? I wouldn't do this in their shoes, I wouldn't even consider it. It's very mean.

Also not sure other wedding is really comparable as DD2 would have been very young. Lots of people might not have had such a young bridesmaid. I don't think this is a reason not to address this.

If the best they do is not to be rude or dismissive, then it's a poor show. That alone must tell her she's not worthy and going back to my first point, this must be storing up trouble for the future especially as DD1 seems to be getting this treatment from both sides.

NannyRed · 10/07/2019 18:13

That’s sad, I’d say I’m not going, and if you only want one of my two children then you get none.
Let your husband go alone. His family are arseholes.

Lamentations · 10/07/2019 18:14

It's not parallel though, DD1 is part of you and your husband's family. DD2 is nothing to do with your ex and his family.

I would decline DD2's involvement in the wedding and go child free.

They may not be 'bad people' but surely most people would recognise a mile off that this is likely to hurt a 9 year old child.

Buyitinbamboo · 10/07/2019 18:15

I think they are treating your DD very poorly to be honest. Your youngest is 5 so at the very least they've been in your DDs life for 6 years, met her at 3? She probably doesnt remember much before them.

I am a step child. I met step dad parents at 8 and after a few months they said that if I wanted to call them grandma and grandad they would be very happy and they see me as a grandchild. I got the same as all the other kids for bday xmas and was given the amount amount when they died.

My ex step mums was a little different, however they still always brought me gifts (although slightly less them their real grandchildren), included me in the family holidays etc. And for context my ex step mum was quite vile to me as a child, it certainly wasnt her doing

Slomi · 10/07/2019 18:16

Probably an unpopular opinion but I would be going LC and myself and my DD2 would not be going to the wedding either. How awful to exclude a single child from your family unit. They either treat your girls the same or I'd be ensuring they see them seldom enough that they can't cause any emotional damage with their behaviour.

lyralalala · 10/07/2019 18:16

That’s really rude. I’d understand the flower girl thing, but not inviting her is really pointing out they don’t see her as family at all

Ayemama · 10/07/2019 18:16

I think this is genuinely awful.
If they don't see her as family then I personally wouldn't socialise with any of them.
I know it sounds a bit extreme but you are a family unit they can't just pick and choose.

My brother got married last year and my DD and DS (almost 2 and 2 months at the time) were the only biological children in the family but my DSS's were both involved in the wedding and were page boys while my DD was a flower girl as no one would ever think of them differently.

I wouldn't go to them at Christmas if they didn't treat my children equally either.
I don't think it's OK that they treat your DD1 as a second class citizen because she isn't blood.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 18:16

My husbands family all treat my children as if they were also my husbands. More love in a family makes the world a happier and more inclusive face, it's very sad they can't open their hearts to a child they have known since she was about 3.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 10/07/2019 18:18

I don't think your brother in law has done anything wrong as such. It would be lovely if she were considered his niece, but in reality she's not and that's fair enough for him to see her that way - she has a dad and paternal grandparents (& presumably aunts and uncles on that side etc) and, as harsh as it sounds, that's not your DHs family.

As long as your DH doesn't make a difference, then I think it's just something you have to accept. Can you ask her dad to swap weekends so that he can spend the weekend of the wedding with him (since you've already done that for him)?

suzy2b · 10/07/2019 18:20

My daughter had at one time 3step children they were twins of 6 and a 5 yr old when they came to live with her she was 21 then she had her own,they lived here for 6rys i didn't treat them any different to my own granddaughter took them on holiday they stayed with me at week ends and spent the same amount on them at christmast and birtdays as far as I was concerned they were my grandchildren.

Rtmhwales · 10/07/2019 18:21

That's so sad. My heart actually hurt reading that, especially at the crap token gift thing.

I'm with a new partner. I have one DS (only grandchild on my side of the family) and partner has two DS. They're invited to everything and my mum gifts them the same presents at holidays, and even asked if I could pick up the three year old's birthday present because he will be with his mum on it this year. Even my aunt got them something small (same amount as my DS's gift from her).

I'd speak to your DH. He's taken on her as part of his family. His family should respect that.

Tavannach · 10/07/2019 18:22

Could you have a talk with them and explain that if they can't see your DD as your DP's daughter could they make an ultra big effort and remember that she is their granddaughter/niece's sister and an integral part of her family.

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2019 18:23

Does your husband not see your daughter as part of the family either? Is this the root of the issue?

Because I can't imagine if he saw her as part of his family , he'd permit his family to behave like this. The fact he's complicit indicates he agrees with them. And they take their lead from him.

So your issue is your husband. Why is he allowing this?

Troels · 10/07/2019 18:25

Actually I think they are all quite horrible. You are married to their son, not his date, your Dd 1 is being raised by their son even though she does see her Dad.
All kids should be treated equally, it's of no interest to the children who is closer blood related/adopted/step or half sisters. They are just kids.
Giving her token gifts is cruel and you know she notices and the little one will notice soon enough that she is favoured. It can drive a wedge between tham and damage their relationship as sisters.

MeredithGrey1 · 10/07/2019 18:27

Are there any other children in the bridal party, and if so do any of them have siblings who also haven’t been included?

LL83 · 10/07/2019 18:29

If I was the bride or groom I would include your child. Same with presents.

Dd1 may get extra presents at Christmas from dad and family or an additional holiday but dd2 lives with both her parents every day.

I love my brother in laws children as much as my sisters children there is no blood relation to me but related by marriage. I would consider dd1 as related by marriage too.

Not a lot you can do about it though. If friendly enough with ex I would encourage him to plan something that day then hopefully she doesn't realise she is not invited. It would change my feelings on the in laws going forward.

(Also maybe step mums relatives wedding was properly childfree or they preferred a grown up night rather than dd1 not being considered family)

GreatBallsOfFlier · 10/07/2019 18:30

Personally I'd not take one without the other and would tell them so

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 10/07/2019 18:31

Can I just clarify?
They want you and your dh at the wedding, dd 2 as flower girl and dd 1 not there at all?

BykerBykerOoh · 10/07/2019 18:33

Any chance you could write them an email saying look, I really don’t think you meant to hurt anyone and I don’t want to cause any bad feeling but DD1 is a full and complete member of our family so we can’t in good conscience let DD2 be part of the wedding while DD1 is excluded. And see what they say?

category12 · 10/07/2019 18:33

I don't understand why your DH isn't intervening and making sure your dd is included by his family.

Does he treat her differently as well?

Ginnymweasley · 10/07/2019 18:33

Its posts like this that make me happy that my grandparents didn't treat my half sisters like this. They were involved with them the same way that they were with me. Because we were all family and they were a lot older than your eldest was when my parents got married. It feels like a complete exclusion and I would feel awful having to explain that to dd. If there really is no way around it maybe speak to your ex see if he can arrange a big trip or something for the same weekend so it feels less like an exclusion if you dress it up as "your dad has arranged this for the weekend so you cant go to the wedding but I'm sure this will be more fun than a boring wedding with no other kids"

user1493413286 · 10/07/2019 18:34

My sibling asked both my DD and DSD to be bridesmaid as they didn’t see it as fair to ask one and not the other. My family see very little of DSD due to both living at opposite sides of the country but I’d be hurt if my DSD wasn’t included in these things: she’s part of my little family so I feel they should involve her as part of our wider family

Beesandcheese · 10/07/2019 18:34

Thats very sad. I actually think it's not only hurtful to your daughter but dismissive of your husband. Its like they only accept his child and you as some sort of vessel in a way!
My daughters are treated very much as my husband's (their stepdad) family by his own family as is my son treated as my daughter's family by my exes family. Everyone has been thoughtful and made an effort to be equitable because they realise they are dealing with children and are sensitive to that.

User67836 · 10/07/2019 18:35

I would talk to you DH about it and how it could effect the girls relationship long term if they are treated differently. I would want him to talk to his family about it and potentially think about dd2 not taking part in the wedding.

merlotqueen · 10/07/2019 18:35

I wouldn't go - you go as a family or not at all. You can't leave one child out.