DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

This thread is so so sad. Poor girl not even having her mum fight her corner.
Of course she knows she’s treated differently - she’s 9!

My sons have different fathers. I think it’s easy to become emotional over perceived equal treatment. This child isn’t going to witness the family she lives with dressing up and leaving her to eat ashes. She will be with her own father with whom she has been to Disney!
I would have invited her had it been me.
I think it was interesting that the brother said the cousins whose kids weren’t invited would be pissed off if step kids were invited. Like my partner’s family they are nice to my son when he is in front of them, wouldn’t wish him any harm but would see cousins as family and him as ‘other.’
I think there is a world of difference between a child with no input from paternal side and a child off to Disney with her dad.
If I had an opinion I think access should be sacrosanct unless it’s for the child’s benefit. So parents should not ask to swop access weekends for anything but work so weddings etc they decline as it is time with their kid. A child should never come second to enjoyment.

Oh and unless the step-family is actively cruel physically or verbally the younger child should never be stopped from seeing their own family. Imagine them stopped from having a family because of unequal but not cruel treatment to the half-sibling who is in Disney with her own family.

I find it odd that you describe your own children as half. They are your daughters and are growing up with you there mum. Yes they have different fathers but I am sure they don’t feel differently about each other. I appreciate the eldest sees her dad but for your OH family to invite one DD to a wedding and not the other is a step too far. Very different with your DD family as your DD2 won’t be part of that at all. Your eldest will get presents from her side however this isn’t about presents. This is adults going out there way to ensure in your dc presence that she is openly treated differently. It’s very cruel and thoughtless.... my eldest isn’t my OH but he has never been excluded from OH family gatherings, weddings and always got presents at Xmas and birthday. I think you need a long hard think going forward how your 9 yr old is being treated by your Oh family. Your DD 1 is likely to spend most of her time with you and therefore is being exposed regularly to being treated differently. Its all rather sad and blended families aren’t unusual these days.