DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

I find it terrible and can't believe your dd has put up with this treatment for over 5years! Imagine always feeling like the outsider in your own home and family. I think its disgraceful.
I take it you and stepdad are married and that makes her family. End of. If I were you I would refuse to go to the wedding if dd1 wasnt invited.

FWIW we have a blended family (I had dc, Dh had dc, we now have dc together). Dh or his family have never treated my first dc any different from our dc together and the same for my families treatment of his dc.

I can understand her not being a flower girl. But to specifically exclude a nine-year-old from a family wedding is pretty heartless.

@growlingbear now I’m confused because OP went on to say that when she invited DH’s family to dd1’s party, they brought gifts.

The “token” gift is subjective, IMO.

And SIL took craft stuff to dd1 just because she liked crafts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They don’t seem heinous to me. And I think it’s fairly easy to explain the flower girl thing as “remember when you were a flower girl for Uncle X and dd2 didn’t get to go?”

And a child free wedding is a child free wedding!

Personally I'd say that DD2 cannot be in the wedding party if DD1 is not invited at all. Better both sisters miss the wedding because it is childfree, than one feel pushed out.

His family is being very unreasonable.

What does your DH say about it?

I have step-family. My dad and step-mum got married when my step-brothers and I were primary school age. Their parents on both sides (my grandparents and "step-grandparents") always included all the children, gave us all gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and generally made it very clear that they saw us all as a family unit. It's the only way to do it IMO. Anything else is just cruel.

If the children are older when their parents get together, I can imagine that it's slightly different - older children are more independent and the family might not blend in the same way.

This is really sad, especially as presumably she was very young when you and DH got together, assuming there was some time between that and you having DD2. It's not like she was a teenager. I'm not part of a blended family so have no experience of this but I would like to think in this situation my family would be kinder.

This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My brother's sons are not biologically his but I get them birthday and Christmas presents and offered them a role in my wedding. They are still his family even if not by genetics. If he has cared for the dd since she was 4 then I think she could be treated as part of the family. I can't have my own biological children so I don't see why children have to be genetically related to be family

I think they are behaving very badly. Your daughter must have been in their life since she was 2 or 3. When you married their son, your daughter became part of their family just as you did. So she is their family. What were they like before your second daughter was born? Have they always been like this? What does your DH think? Does he treat your eldest daughter the same as your younger one?

It’s not fair - there was a similar situation in my family with my sister’s step children not being invited to a cousin’s wedding. But they lived with my sister and didn’t see their mum at that point. It was me that kicked up a fuss and they were invited. There shouldn’t necessarily be an expectation that they are treated exactly the same but presents should be bought for both even if one is of more value than another. I also think it makes a difference that dd1 lives with you for the vast majority of the time - this means it will be noticed more by her and the exclusion seems worse.

One of the most damaged human beings I know is an Ex who was treated like this by his step dads family.

He was just a few months old when step dad came along and 3.5 when his sister was born. He was told he couldn't call the step family in law anything other than their names (so no "nan" or "grandad" like his sister when she learnt to talk). He was left out of events and celebrations.

I met him in his 20's and by the end of of 4 year relationship, I wanted to punch his mum in the face for letting her child be treated like this.

He wasn't obviously or overtly mistreated. It was all very subtle. Like his sister having a big party with all the step dads side of the family coming over and he didn't even get a card from them as they didn't remember or them coming over with piles of gifts for his sister at xmas and nothing for him. He always felt ignored, second best, like he didn't belong in the family. Awful.

It was so, so, so damaging.

OP, I'm not saying its the same for you but you do need to challenge any behaviour you aren't happy with and know will make your DD1 feel left out / ostracized.

In this situation I'd be asking that neither girl attend. Seems the only real solution.

I wouldn't ever attend a wedding where only one of my kids was invited. Not in a million years.

Part and parcel of being a step family is being a family. And you don't invite 3/4's of a family to a wedding

That's just shitty. I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP but what a kindly mum and person you are

Or tell them that either they both go or neither of them go as you can't be in two places at once.

Umm. I understand your dilemma and it does seem tough, but to be honest I had the same situation at my own wedding. I had a child free wedding except for flower girls and page boys, no siblings invited. 9 is too old for a flower girl, and if they've specifically said no kids, they have to draw the line there or others will start asking too. I would let it go, weddings are a nightmare to organise (from both couple and guest perspective!) at the best of times and when you start adding children to the mix plus family politics it gets 10 times worse.

I admit I didn't have the step-family element to consider though.

My DH married me, AND my kids. We came as a package deal. I was so lucky in that his parents never treated mine any differently from their biological GC. My kids remember their late ‘nanny and grandad’ with love. They were left the same inheritance as well. My youngest daughter named her son for my FIL.

I have a step grandson now, and he is treated exactly the same as my other GC. He is loved and valued as part of our family.

@IvanaPee But OP has said that the family aren’t horrible and don’t mistreat dd1 on purpose s
They do it on purpose; not buying a gift, not inviting her; all deliberate and all nasty towards a young child. Shower of petty cunts.

It’s a child free wedding barring bridal party. I don’t see what they are doing wrong. As long as other bridal party members siblings are not invited she’s being treated the same as everyone else.

Life isn’t fair. The dd1 gets holidays with both sides, parties with both sides etc dd2 only gets what she gets at home and people are advising taking even that away from her.

This is why I hate blended families. The children are not the same and never will be both have fathers with their own families that are separate.

I am a step mum and have a bio child with my husband too.

It does differ due to my DSS not having contact with his mother but some of my family (more extended) early on 'forgot' my dss, presents, invites. I made it very clear that either both were treated the same or they wouldn't have any of us in their lives. If I can treat him as my own, they could on the rare occasion that they would see him. They are amazing with him now.

They are kids. They have obviously been in her life a long time, not like this is a new relationship. I wouldn't be allowing the youngest to go tbh. I understand budgets of weddings and child free ect. but I wouldn't be letting the eldest feel so pushed out. There would have to be some kind if solution. It will cause issues later on in life and cause jealousy between her and her sister. I couldn't let it happen as the step mum....and my husband sure wouldn't stand by and let it happen either.

Maybe @Willenhallweirdness will come back! And clarify the present thing.

That’s really sad. It’s not a parallel situation. I think they’re being heartless and creating divisions where none need exist.

I have a step-nephew nobody ever treated him differently. He didn’t chose his family situation and I respected my DB’s choice of partner. I always kept the budget the same for all of DB’s children as did my DParents.
I think your DH should have a word with his family about their behaviour.

"It’s a child free wedding barring bridal party. I don’t see what they are doing wrong. As long as other bridal party members siblings are not invited she’s being treated the same as everyone else."

That in itself is completely shit. I am not a fan of child-free weddings anyway, although I understand why some couples might want one, but you can't have your cake and eat it. If you want cute flower girls and page boys, make it a child-friendly wedding. If you don't want children at the wedding, you don't have flower girls and page boys. The only reasonable exceptions are babies under 1 or "babes in arms" or whatever. Or immediate family only. But you can't possible invite some children in a family and not others, it's ridiculous, unfair and impractical.

Those who would prevent the younger one from going. What would you say to her? “You can’t go to Uncle’s wedding because your half-sister (who isn’t related to him) isn’t invited. Oh yes I know she was a bridesmaid to her dad’s family member a couple of years ago but you cannot be one for your uncle.” I would have invited her but you cannot stop the younger one going.

*possibly

I think your partner needs to have a talk with his family. I can't believe they don't buy her birthday/ Christmas presents unless they are present with her on the day, that's really cruel. Even a token present is unreasonable and surely as she gets older she'll notice the big discrepancy.

I have an 8 year old and my partners family are all lovely with him, send him birthday presents, and Christmas presents, my partners mum picks him up from school one night a week and takes him for dinner to spend some time with him and treats him as her own grandchild, as essentially that's what he is although not biologically. I have a baby on the way and if she started to treat my son less favourably I'd be incredibly upset and would hope my partner would deal with it.

Not nice to be treating a child like that, basically with your and your partners consent to let it continue.