DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

[Willenhallweirdness]

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

My best friend was in the same position as your DD1, only child then her Mum remarried. When her Mum remarried, she was treated differently to the children that her Mum and Stepdad had by her Stepdad’s family. Their reasoning was that my friend got gifts from her Dad and his parents & siblings so they spent more on her step siblings so that they didn’t feel left out!

They never left her out of family occasions though, she wasn’t treated any differently in that sense.

Does your DD2 know she is flower girl? If not I would attend without either child and I would tell them why as well.

My boyfriends family always treat my son like one of the family. Christmas and birthday from both my boyfriends mum and his grandparents. After reading this I'm actually feeling really grateful for how lovely they are to him.

I can't believe some posters think this is OK; it's really not.

I am 32 and I was your DD1. I was treated just a little bit differently, not markedly so but enough that I knew my brother was the 'real' grandson/nephew and it really hurt. Like your DD I was young (2.5) when my mum and stepdad met and therefore I saw them as my real family as I didn't know any different.

Please please please don't let your DD be treated like this and let her know how special she is to you.

That's terrible. These are children at the end of the day, and it would take so little as to treat them equally. People differentiating between children due to who their biological parent is, it's just disgusting. These two little girls see each other as sisters and nothing else, so actively leaving one out or giving her the shit end of the deal is just cruel, imo.

Also, for those saying well 'she isn't their family'... really? What if OP and partner had adopted children and external family members shunned them because they weren't biological? Would you think it's acceptable then? And what defines family? It's a social concept.

OP, I wouldn't go to the wedding unless DD1 was made welcome and they massively changed their outlook towards her. Fuck a massive family fall out. Stand up for your little girl because in years from now, if this behaviour doesn't change, she will actively remember being shunned and left out. It will affect her. She will feel jealously towards her little sister. And she'll think you and her step dad allowed it to happen. Take the stand and at least if there is a fall out, when she becomes old enough to remember, she'll also remember 'hey, my mum stood up for me no matter what'. And that's what truly matters in life.

Good luck! It's an awful situation you've been put in and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Children are a blessing and everybody deserves to be treated equally. You've got this.

Surely the eldest is old enough to know that she has her own family on her dads side and her sister has the same.

There should be no difference in treatment of them as half siblings in the same household but family outside of that don’t have to treat them the same because they are not to each family.

Ithink it is sad that they are doing this and would want DH to speak up for her.

I agree with PP who said attend without either child. No fuss, no arguments. Just "thanks for the offer of flower girl but we treat both sisters the same so dd2 wont be able to attend. "

"If it’s dd1’s weekend with her dad, I don’t think it needs to be a massive deal!"

But she hasn't even been invited even though she lives with the groom's brother & niece & is the niece's sister!

Youu really can't see the problem with inviting one sister to be part of the bridal party whilst the other isn't even invited to the wedding?

You really can’t see the issue of a 9yr old being the only child a wedding and not part of the wedding itself?
DD1 does have a dad and it’s not the one Op is married too, Not quite the same as if her husband had raised her as her dad.Speaking as someone in similar circumstances.

londonrach
Can see this from all views. How is dd2 treated by dd1 family.

That's kind of the point, isn't it? I have to admit I wouldn't bond with a child who wasn't related and spent a lot of time with her father. I found it hard enough to bond with my own. You can't force people to feel something they don't.

@chocpop I think it’s a bit out of order implying that adopted children and step children are the same actually!

But that’s neither here nor there.

Tell me, is dd2 supposed to just accept it when dd1 will likely always get more presents, more holidays etc?

She should, right? Because her circumstances are different!

My point is that the girls won’t ALWAYS have things exactly the same. They just won’t! And that’s ok.

But teaching dd1 to see this family as bad guys and monsters etc won’t do anyone any Favours!

I too have been that kid. I knew I was seen differently both by my step fathers family (but he’s turned out to be more of a dad than my biological one) and by my step mothers family (no longer in contact with her or indeed my biological father or his family).

It’s fucking horrible to be 2nd best and an afterthought. And kids see these things through gifts / involvement. I did. Step-cousin got 10 Christmas presents from DGP’s? I got 1. Sitting watching with a lump in your throat... I knew it at 6 and it’s damaged me. Thank fuck for my mum and ‘step’ Dad. They always put me first.

I would refuse DD2 attending if DD1 were not invited. I would not tolerate it and fuck the consequences.

I think that’s awful! When I was young my dads girlfriends child would be allowed on holiday with them whereas me and my brother weren’t. It still upsets me to this day that my dad allowed this to happen.

OK, Ivana. You are certainly in the minority here. Thankfully.

YANBU. Gutted for your DD. I get the not being a flower girl bit (sort of) but anyone who can isolate a child like this needs their heads looking at. I'm in my 40s, it happened to me and I still feel the pain. Speak up, they may not realise, may think they're being fair... they may think YABU but they may go along with it to keep peace. If you're the bad guy who cares, your DD needs you in her corner

DD1 is their niece by marriage. If BIL & his wife have children, they will be your niece/nephew by marriage. How would they feel if you treated their DC as second class citizens because they’re not your blood relatives just your husbands.

In fact let’s hope SIL-to-be doesn’t expect any birthday or Christmas gifts off you or DH because she’s not a blood relative to either of you.

I would tell them DD2 is too young to enjoy a wedding and not take either of them.

I honestly don't understand people like this OP. Leaving your daughter out of the family celebrations is so mean spirited and your husband is her stepfather for goodness sake.

They're just little kids at the end of the day, does it really matter in the scheme of things? I'd happily have your daughter as a flower girl if it was me.

If you can get babysitters decline DD2 as the flower girl but you and DH go, it is them that wants a child free wedding after all.

That's kind of the point, isn't it? I have to admit I wouldn't bond with a child who wasn't related and spent a lot of time with her father. I found it hard enough to bond with my own. You can't force people to feel something they don't.

She has lived with the man since she was 4 at the very oldest - probably a fair bit younger. If you couldn't bond with a child in those circumstances, fair enough - but you would have had no business marrying the child's parent and setting up a home with them.

This isn't about how the family feel about the child. It is ok to feel a closer bond with your actual niece. It is ok to prefer one niece to another even if there is no step involved. I feel a closer bond with my sisters children than I do my Bil's children. Those are feelings you don't have to show openly. What matters is how the family treat the children. It is unkind and thoughtless to invite 3 people out of a family of 4 to a wedding and not invite the 4th. It is unkind to invite one sister and not the other. This isn't a random stranger - this is their niece's sister. I just don't understand how people think this is ok.

Ah I feel for you OP.
My son got an out of date box of ferrero rocher for Christmas from his step - grandmother. Nothing from his six step-uncles/ step-aunties and their partners.

We literally went round for Xmas and everyone was opening presents then it sort of dawned on MiL that there was nothing for DS. So out of date chocolate was given. Lovely.

The thing that makes your situation a bit tricky is that it's a child free wedding. I wouldn't necessarily expect them to have an older girl as a flower girl iyswim BUT I do think your DH needs to have a word with his family.

I'd stay home with DD1 and let DH take DD2 if I were you.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest

At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing

@IvanaPee did you misread this info?

My sons have different fathers. I have been there and got the tee-shirt. It’s shit that the elder girl isn’t invited but if you stop the younger one from going and you isolate her from her family she will end up resenting her half-sister especially when she goes off with her own dad. If OP doesn’t fancy the wedding she can refuse the invitation and tell them why.

Her DD1 was a bridesmaid to her uncle and DD2 didn’t go.

It’s fine to explain it as separate families. Families are all different, it’s a child free wedding, it’s only as dramatic as you make it.

I think your IL's are being awful. She will have been in their lives since she was a little toddler! My DSD is 21 and was 13 when my parents met her and they would never do this to her!! Yes my DS gets more gifts at Christmas but it's more age related than anything else. And they would always get her a few things and for birthdays. And if we get an invite anywhere so does she (even though they don't make her feel obliged as again she is a grown woman).
I would be discussing it with your DH if I was you. And if they admit they don't see her as family, I would be distancing myself.

This is disgraceful. I can't believe you are actually going to this wedding at all.