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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 in wedding DD1 not invited

329 replies

Willenhallweirdness · 10/07/2019 17:33

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. They have never been rude or dismissive of her and when she is in front of them will be friendly and show an interest.

While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday tea for her and two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. At Christmas if she is with her dad she gets nothing but if she is with us her sister gets a decent present and she gets a token. Brother-in-law and his partner get her nothing but one year this token present from mother-in-law was a craft type thing and Brother-in-Law’s partner spent hours with my eldest daughter creating stuff. A few months later she knocks on the door with something she had got my eldest as she did some work for a youtube type person…not a birthday or anything.

They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. Brother-in-law asked us round once…Willenhall, DH and DD2…with the proviso that DD1 was also welcome if she wasn’t with her dad. They clearly see her as different.

They are now getting married and DD2 is a flower girl but DD1 is not invited as it is a child-free wedding except for the bridal party. I am so upset BUT….DD1 was actually a bridesmaid for her dad’s sibling two years ago (of course we weren’t invited as we aren’t related). I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually say that she isn’t family and bring up the fact that this is a parallel situation to DD1’s paternal family.

My ex is completely decent…we got married as I was pregnant just out of uni…she speaks about her step-mum very warmly but last summer he asked if we could swop weekends so they could all go to a wedding (not child-free) on her side…so her step-mother’s family don’t see her as family either.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too!

OP posts:
CallItLoneliness · 10/07/2019 18:53

I've been the unwanted stepchild in all this, and it sucks. Please protect your daughter, OP.

londonrach · 10/07/2019 18:54

Can see this from all views. How is dd2 treated by dd1 family.

Bowerbird5 · 10/07/2019 18:54

My best friend has three step grand-children and four grandchildren. She treats them all the same. Buys Christmas and b'day presents for all and has been making out fits for all. The kids all think she is wonderful and Grandad is too.

I think it is sad that they are doing this. Couldn't she have been an usher at least.
I would leave DH to take his child and I would take your DD1 out for a brilliant day out that the younger one would be to young for like Harry Potter World or a show in London.
I do think he should have spoken up. She is his step-daughter.

georgie262 · 10/07/2019 18:55

I'm sorry but this is just not on. If you go along with this you are saying in some way that DD1 is not a part of your family. DD2 is her sister. I think this is so thoughtless of them in fact it's gross.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 18:56

I don’t think the people being overly dramatic and unnecessarily emotional will help OP, tbh.

All this talk of protecting her daughter!

Would you have a massive family fall out, and no contact for dd2 with her family because dd1 is missing a party and will (presumably) be with her dad anyway?!

growlingbear · 10/07/2019 18:57

@IvanaPee if you really don't see the big deal, let me help you. This child has what she believes is a family. They can either include her or exclude her. They exclude her. That's a problem. Not difficult to gather why this is cruel and divisive. She shouldn't need to be a blood relation. She's a child raised by their brother/son and is not included at a basic level at Christmas, birthdays or weddings. I think that's despicable, heartless behaviour.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2019 18:57

I would decline DD2's involvement in the wedding and go child free.

As above.

She is a child - she's young but she will be noticing that she is less favoured than her sister and it will hurt her. It will not only affect her confidence and self-esteem, but could spoil the relationship between the two girls.

Nothingcomesforfree · 10/07/2019 18:57

But to make it fair surely DD2 can’t be a flower girl. Then they can both not attend as it’s a child free wedding.
Can you suggest that?

Topseyt · 10/07/2019 18:58

My response to them would be that they wouldn't get to include one of my children in the bridal party whilst not even inviting the other to the wedding. They would both go or neither would go. DH can go on his own if necessary.

I think your DH should address this with them. Maybe they just haven't thought it through properly, or maybe they are just dickheads.

You both need to tackle the blatant favouritism that is going on here too. It will be pretty obvious to your DD1 and it won't be a pleasant position to be in. She is only 9, but she will still be picking up on it.

FindaPenny · 10/07/2019 18:58

I can't understand people like this.... Even if I didn't like your older daughter for whatever reason, I don't think I could be so thick skinned to treat a child like that.....even just for the sake of appearances!!

Seems hard to imagine that not one of them thought it would be kind to include her. If for whatever reason I had somehow forgotten to include someone and someone else mentioned it, I would be really ashamed of myself and immediately invite her and make a fuss of her.

SuzieQ10 · 10/07/2019 18:59

Your in-laws doesn't sound very kind.
This sounds as though it could be upsetting for your DD, not just the wedding business but the social occasions where she's not treated as one of the family. She is family, she's the sister of their granddaughter/ niece and families come in all shapes and sizes these days, they are being excluding and it's not very nice.

As for the wedding, I decided a while ago we wouldn't be going to child-free weddings as it's always a hassle finding childcare and I do feel a little hurt when my DC isn't invited, whatever the v good reason might be... so we don't go. Might that be the simplest thing, not to go? Your family includes yourself, your DH and TWO children. Your DD1 will feel rejected at not being invited. I couldn't celebrate at someone's wedding who'd been this hurtful to my baby.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 19:00

She's a child raised by their brother/son and is not included at a basic level at Christmas, birthdays or weddings.

OP has said that she’s been given presents at Christmas and birthdays, AND on no occasion at all.

The wedding is child free and dd2 is only included because she’s in the bridal party.

As for suggesting that dd2 miss out - that’s not fair on dd2. Nor is potentially isolating her from a caring family.

So then dd1 gets to continue a relationship with her mum’s family, and her dad’s family, and dd2 doesn’t?

How is that fair?

satsumaautumn · 10/07/2019 19:01

What a horrible situation for you and both of your daughters.

I really feel for you BUT please don't let this continue for DD1's sake. She deserves to feel part of her family, not like an unwanted outsider.

I think the wedding is easy, tell them you understand that space may be limited etc. but you are uncomfortable leaving dd1 out so neither you or either of your daughters will attend.

The presents are more difficult to manage as you can't really make someone buy them both nice presents- I'd have an urgent word about this and their general attitude. Try to explain that you, dh, and both dd's are a family- they can't pick and choose based on blood as you come as a package deal (eugh they really don't sound like nice people!)

Good luck!

Bookworm4 · 10/07/2019 19:02

I think your DHs family are really shitty, she’s not some random child, she’s their sons step daughter, their granddaughters sister. Your DH needs to man up and tell them to stop treating your girl like this, I wouldn’t tolerate it, it’s cruel and nasty. Tell them to ram their wedding.

MsJuniper · 10/07/2019 19:02

Gosh that's really sad. I was your DD1 and my step family treated me as an equal to my sister. I was always included in family occasions and never had a sense I was getting a token gift. Even though my stepdad is no longer with my DM, he is a part of my life and sees my children etc. The only difference is that of inheritance.

If your DD2 is 5 then they must have known your DD1 for at least that long. How sad that they will miss out on a loving relationship with her.

elliejjtiny · 10/07/2019 19:02

This is awful. I have 2 cousins that I'm not biologically related to (their dad married my auntie when we were teens). They are my cousins and I wouldn't dream of treating them any different to my other cousins.

Trafalger · 10/07/2019 19:04

I am a grumpy old cow and I would refuse DD2 to be flower girl if DD1 wasn't invited and then I wouldn't go to the wedding at all. They are related by marriage the same as the bride will be to your husbands family. Does she not get any presents etc.. . As she isn't family? But like I said I am a grumpy old cow.

Laterthanyouthink · 10/07/2019 19:05

Are there other children in the bridal party who have siblings who are also not invited?

MatchSetPoint · 10/07/2019 19:05

Your poor daughter, bet she feels like she’s not really part of either family or certainly wont when she’s older. I wouldn’t go to the wedding, it’s not just another child to the wedding it’s their nieces sister and his brothers step daughter! I feel awful for the poor child, if I was you I’d send husband and your daughter and then stay at home with your other daughter on principal!

When my brothers girlfriend had children they were treated as part of the family, proper gifts and treated equal to other children in the family. They’re kids for goodness sake why be petty!

Topseyt · 10/07/2019 19:05

I genuinely don’t see the big deal

You really can't see the problem with inviting one sister to be part of the bridal party whilst the other isn't even invited to the wedding?? Confused

You can't be serious there!

diddl · 10/07/2019 19:06

"she’s got to be a flower girl at a family wedding that dd2 wasn’t invited to!"

But she was the only one invited as it was an Aunt on her father's side.

On this occasion she is the only one not invited.

I'm not sure she should have been invited to be a flowergirl, but I don't think that you can invite a family &leave one out.

Perhaps husband should go alone?

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2019 19:06

So they want DH, a blood relative.
They also want DD2, a blood relative
They want OP, a legal relative (are you invited to full day, or only evening do, as, after all you are not a blood relative?) Confused If you are invited to full day, then they obviously regard you as full family, even though you have your own family elsewhere and they have not known you since birth.
But they do not want DD2's sister / OP's daughter. Because she also has another family and they have not known her since birth? Confused
Not logical!
How can they not see that she is family???

LKRJM · 10/07/2019 19:07

I was this child and whilst I love my mom, she always put my stepdads family and her other kids first in this respect and wouldn’t of caused a fuss.

It’s the only thing I’ll ever resent her for even now at nearly 30. She is otherwise fantastic but I could never forgive her and moved out at 16. Think about what you would like your future to look like with your daughter x

missperegrinespeculiar · 10/07/2019 19:09

I have a step-niece, she is treated in every way as her step-sister, who is my biological niece, and this was from day one of her being introduced to us, we get them very similar presents if not exactly the same thing for Christmas and birthdays (they have similar tastes), if niece gets invited so does step-niece. She is family.

I know not everybody agrees, but to me this is the only possible kind thing to do.

IvanaPee · 10/07/2019 19:09

@Topseyt I am being serious.

If it’s dd1’s weekend with her dad, I don’t think it needs to be a massive deal!

I mean - I wouldn’t do it. But OP has said that the family aren’t horrible and don’t mistreat dd1 on purpose so yeah, I think people frothing on here could end up convincing OP that it’s a massive thing and cause real life problems for her!