Invisible women's work

[smogsville]

This isn't really an AIBU but I hope I'll be forgiven for posting for more traffic.

I need to show DH what gets done in running the household - largely by me - as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

A while ago someone drew up a comprehensive long list of everything she does over the course of the year to keep her family/ house running. Does anyone know how I would find it? It'll make my point to DH much more effectively than a massive argument!

Thanks

as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

What do you mean he's getting cross about being asked to share in the household admin? What's his argument/problem with that exactly?

*Sorry don't know about that list you're looking for

Down tools for a month. Maybe go away for a fortnight.

Experiential learning is more powerful than lists.

Remember, reminding your OH to do something (or he won’t do it) is also invisible work. Definitely include that on the list.

Getting cross with you isn't on

I hear you! I downed tools over the weekend (Mother's Day here) after hanging out the washing and tidying the house on Friday. He hadn't lifted a finger the entire time so I caught up on the tidying and did four loads of washing on Monday- I also work full time and travel most weeks. Don't get me started on the life admin and mental load! Sorry OP I don't know the list but would be interested in seeing it.

The fact he needs reminding that he should be contributing to 50% of running the household, including admin, is invisible wife work. Having to treat a grown adult like a child is an extra burden you have to deal with that he doesn't.

Sorry, I don’t know where this list is but I’d be interested to see it too. I bet google has a load made up by (predominantly) women.

Fucking pisses me off though that a fully able adult ‘pretends’ to be so shitting clueless. More often than not it’s some bloke so proud of their career status who fails to see the humiliation around whining like a five year old they can’t figure out how to clean up after themselves....

I may have started to project a little bit there...

easier to down tools

if you need to do it a way that only affects him - what does he do?

if he isn't already doing his laundry and cooking his own meals, leave him to do that. That will help him to "see" how much you are doing.

Go away for a month.

stop doing anything for him, buying his favourite food or drink at the supermarket, anything he has for lunch, any of his families stuff, doing his washing, ironing, putting away clothes, cooking or washing up. let him feel the stuff that needs to ge t done.

Can't see the list but here's a start;

Top of the list has got to be reminding people to do their share of the admin
Kids appts - doctors, opticians, dentist, hospital
birthday planning
paying bills and budgeting
default child carer
arrange holidays
meal planning
organising activities
christmas planning
Organising washing so kids etc have uniform/pe kit on correct days
Organising kids to do their chores

Adding to moomoogalicious' list:

Going on Price comparison websites.
Arranging Home Insurance.
Arranging Car Insurance.
Switching energy suppliers.
Backing up laptops.
Passport applications.
Scanning paperwork.
Emptying DC's moneyboxes and banking.
Buying, writing and posting birthday, Easter, Christmas, Mothers & Father's Day cards.
Posting parcels.
On-line ordering.
Ordering and collecting prescriptions.
Planning family visits, days out.

I'm sure there are loads more things.

Off the top of my head

cleaning
Childcare
Meal planning including taking into account likes and dietary needs
Shopping
Washing
Knowing which clothes need to be clean for when
Hanging clothes out to dry
Putting away clothes
Cooking healthy meals
Making sure freezer is stocked in case
Encouraging children to eat
Washing up or loading and unloading dishwasher
Bathing kids
Getting kids to bed
Getting kids up
Getting kids ready
Buying new clothes and shoes for kids when needed
Keep an eye on things like insurance
Paying bills
Organising childcare
Planning days around naps if kids are young
Thinking of days out
Thinking of date nights
Making sure bins are put out
Recycling too
Clearing garden
Looking after pets including cleaning buying food
Vet visits including remembering flea treatments/worming treatments and when jabs are due
Knowing when kids need boosters
Knowing about school events and planning accordingly
Being available to your kids and teaching them things and spending time with them
Booking holidays
Organising activities in holiday time

Attempting to look presentable

Forgot birthdays! Birthday presents, parties, cards, wrapping
Christmas
Easter
taking stuff to post office

It's the mental load. Making sure everyone has everything. That its organised. That everyone gets to appointments etc.

I started texting dh about each thing I was doing for the family for a week as I did it. He soon for the idea

This is what you want. First published in the early ‘70’s.

www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/wife.html

I honestly don't think you can create such a list, it would never end . I am about to pop into hobbycraft to get some card as ds2 has a project to hand in on Monday. That tiny detail wouldn't even enter into dh's thinking.

Oh and my list would also have to include trimming the hair from my rabbits back end so it doesn't get caked in poo because he has a ridiculous medical condition. So trimming rabbits butt would need to be on the list.
Compiling the list as evidence would also need to be on the list.
I am a little pissed off today

Interesting reading, thanks for the link sandgroper.

Agree with all these lists. I’ve also found that even where you pay third parties to help you with the work, that in itself generates more invisible women’s work.

So for example, standard MN advice is to get a cleaner. It does cut down on your physical workload but it adds yet more to the mental load - remembering when the cleaner’s coming, remembering to get cash out for them, thinking about what needs to be done in advance and asking the cleaner to do it, etc.

Same with a dog walker. Working out what days the dog will need to be walked in the coming week, telling the dog walker, paying the dog walker, etc. You don’t have the physical task of walking the dog but it’s something else to add to the mental load.

Always amazes me when I read about men on here that think they don't need to do normal adult life things and their DW should just do it all. If they lived alone they'd have to do all the things. It's very odd that some think that having a penis makes them incapable of using the washing machine or cooking a meal Makes me very grateful for my DP though, he does more than me in the house (we both work FT). And I agree with PP, if you have to remind them they're not really being very helpful, the whole point is women should have a break from thinking about it all sometimes.

Kids' homework
Kids' reading
School runs
Hosting/attending playdates
Class nights out for networking/keeping in the loop purposes
Going through wardrobes and removing clothes that have been grown out of
Summerising/Winterising wardrobes
Toy clear outs
Filing
General clear outs
Tip/recycling/charity shop runs
Organising, cleaning for, hosting, and cleaning up after events (bbqs, dinner parties, etc)

Out of interest OP; what is it that your DH is objecting to doing?

See for me its the little jobs that add uo: filling up oil bottles, changing bathroom bins, etc.

This shit adds up.

Watching sports days, nativities, class assemblies, etc
Volunteering for school trips