Invisible women's work

[smogsville]

This isn't really an AIBU but I hope I'll be forgiven for posting for more traffic.

I need to show DH what gets done in running the household - largely by me - as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

A while ago someone drew up a comprehensive long list of everything she does over the course of the year to keep her family/ house running. Does anyone know how I would find it? It'll make my point to DH much more effectively than a massive argument!

Thanks

This has been an interesting thread. Something I've noticed over the years when comparing my relationship to those of my DPs and DPILs is that I seem to have the same responsibilities as DM and DMIL regarding running the home (although I outsource a lot of it in a way that wouldn't have been possible or affordable for them) but I seem to have quite a few of DF and DFIL's responsibilities too (financial planning, house and car maintenance, travel booking). Yes DH does a lot more cooking and childcare than either or them did, but I notice he appears to have way more cash and leisure time than they did at similar ages. If this is progress, it's hardly linear. Then again I'd rather just earn and throw money at some of these problems than be stuck hoping the man in my life will get round to e.g. painting the stairs. But the thing is, I think DH feels bizarrely hard done by sometimes why do men not admit they (often) get a great deal, I wonder.

I’ll spend hours reading into aspects of birth, early sleep patterns, clothes, weaning, bilingualism, potty training, swimming

Maybe you need to read less and free up some time! How on earth did I manage to raise two children without ever reading a book about what are fairly self-explanatory things? From what I see here if parents read a lot less about 'perfection' they would be happier, more relaxed and have more time for their children!

Lady I am older. From memory parents used to ask their own parents about these subjects. Because no things like weaning are not self explanatory. But the guidelines have changed from the past, so it is no longer a simple case of asking your own mum what she did.

Men seem to think (or they try to make you think) that the Housework Faeries do it all in the wee small hours......time to unleash the Revenge Pixies!

Haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has been posted already. This isn't where I first saw this, but found it through a Google search. Quite a good perspective on it :
kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/

I do almost everything on these mental load lists in my home, with the sole exception of technology. 3DC at two different schools, lots of after-school activities etc, and I work four days a week.

If I listed out all my tasks, as against DH's "work full time", it would look terribly unbalanced. BUT if he listed out everything he has to keep track of at work, it's also a lot - there is a mental load with paid work too. I don't expect him to know how/the most efficient way of doing my tasks, any more than he would expect me to be able to take over his job at a moments notice.

The key seems to me that classic - do you have equal 'me' time? That's the point to address, not nitpicking over exactly what tasks are done by each person in their 'busy' times.

Yes that is a good way to look at it. Although, it is also good if partners can be a bit flexible. Leaving all the financial planning (or whatever) can create an issue if they suddenly keel over. Far better and fairer for both parents to have at least basic insight into all the tasks. And when I look around me I don't see that the mental load for home lands on the partner with the less fiddly job. Generally it lands on the female.

Cloudy...😂😂😂That HAS to be a wind up. If we count the 3,4,5 hours of sleeplessness at night when the babies are up, multiply that by 7 nights a week, we’re hitting up to 35 hrs a week already. So, erm, that’ll be 5 hours for the rest of the week. That ought to do it. And does that give the husband the right to refuse pick up after himself in the evening or at weekends, let alone chip in with anything else?

This thread seems to be absolutely full of women who think they are entitled to sit at home all day sipping coffee while their DH goes out to work.

Being a SAHM is your job. You should be 'working' at home for at least the equivalent of a 40 hour week.

Ha!

And do speaks the person who has never ‘worked’ for 40 hours at home.

Yep load of shit posted there.
Also many women work full or part time outside the home, and still do all this stuff too.

CoudyForest, Can't decide whether I can be arsed to respond to you.
But, read the fucking thread. Most of the posters on here work full-time, as their hopeless partners do.
Want to know where I'd put your dinner (if I cooked it. Fortunately, dh does all the cooking round here)?

Cloudy... with regards to your dinner, I think you’re about to have your arse handed to you on a plate

I mean - I don’t even have non-sleepers and my DC are primary age. And I work 26 hours at one job and 7 hours at another. Not quite 40 hours, I grant you. But WFH mostly so practically speaking no lunch breaks either counted in my 33 hours, so we’re probably evens.

Today in ‘unpaid’ labour, compared to my DP, I’ve put in 1 hour before ‘work’, doing breakfasts, organising, washing & tidying vs a 30-minute there-and-back school run (just the driving etc not the “got your swimming kit/packed your lunch”). So +30 mins for me, no mental labour for DP.

During work I’ve also walked the dog/hung out the washing in my ‘lunch break’, (+45 mins - no mental labour); picked up the DC plus mates from school & done all that ferrying & after-school care, plus cooking/feeding etc etc. (easily 3-7pm solo, so 4+ hours, full of mental labour). Then back to work after bedtime to make up my hours. I’m exhausted and behind. My DP has been to the gym...

Tomorrow is atypical in loads of ways - again I’ve done all the mental labour to allow it to flow.

It is ‘invisible’ labour.

It really really is.

The key seems to me that classic - do you have equal 'me' time? That's the point to address, not nitpicking over exactly what tasks are done by each person in their 'busy' times.
That’s not enough. A good partner who carries some of the mental load means you don’t take it all. You have space in your brain to commit to work better. You aren’t distracted at 3pm mid meeting thinking I need to collect cash for the cleaner, x y z on my way home and print that form for nursery before I leave. You aren’t on the treadmill in your equal me time working out what clothes the kids need and what needs sorting around the house. And most importantly, you have back up. We all make mistakes and miss things. These days my husband steps up and has done the things I’ve missed (well, some of them) because he thinks too. I have gastro and I know my son’s birthday party in a week and a half isn’t ruined as my cooking weekend didn’t happen because I have a supportive husband who carries his share of the weight. So we will make it happen together.

That sums it up perfectly timeisnot.