Invisible women's work

[smogsville]

This isn't really an AIBU but I hope I'll be forgiven for posting for more traffic.

I need to show DH what gets done in running the household - largely by me - as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

A while ago someone drew up a comprehensive long list of everything she does over the course of the year to keep her family/ house running. Does anyone know how I would find it? It'll make my point to DH much more effectively than a massive argument!

Thanks

Definitely going to copy and combine these lists and work out a fairer split

I work FT, DH doesn't work - fair enough as our choice after 3 redundancies and it working out better for childcare. We are landlords too so he does have periods of time when he's repainting houses etc.

He usually does all cleaning and gardening, DIY, most school runs, homework organising and some cooking. Filing of paperwork (after I deal with all the 'doing' of admin - calls, emails, meetings, quotes etc.)

This thread has made me realise the stress of life admin and having to keep on top of it all is what I am finding hard though

Saying that it's been a worse week than normal as he dropped his motorbike on his leg on Tuesday and is on crutches!

Found some websites!
www.equallysharedparenting.com/Toolbox.htm
qz.com/work/1083411/this-calculator-makes-the-unpaid-work-women-do-visible/

And the article re the original Mumsnet list!
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11141910/36-household-chores-men-dont-bother-to-do.html

After years of raging at DH over this stuff (he is a complete man child who believes his high earnings give him the right to do fuck all at home), I have finally asked for a divorce and we are in the process of separating.

What’s so sad is that he still doesn’t understand what the problem is. A couple of months ago, before I finally said it was over, he actually said he was fed up of me threatening to leave him over tiny trivial things, like leaving dirty socks on the floor. I asked him, could he really not see that the trivial things were part of a much bigger problem?

Even now, he blames me for the collapse of the marriage because, apparently, if I was that unhappy, I should have made a bigger effort to make him see. I’ve spent 12 years asking, discussing, sitting him down to explain, arguing, writing/saying lists, nagging, raging and threatening to divorce. After reminding him of all of this, it’s still my fault because, well, if none of that worked effectively enough to help him understand my issues, I should have tried alternative methods of communication.

He is losing his kids (apart from weekends), wife (live in housekeeper/nanny) and home but he genuinely still doesn’t get it.
Good luck with the list...

My oh wonders why the place is always a state.... I always spend most of Saturday ironing while my dd is at stage school and my other day off is catching up basics so the really grimy stuff and window cleaning rarely get done

We are far from perfect but I have found one thing that helps is finding things that I can completely delegate. For instance we have 3 kids all into scouting. I don't go to any meetings, help pack any backpacks, offer or gobe any lists or bake any cakes for the bakesales. It can be hard not to step in but It is easier if you are completely out of it.

*give any lists!

*lifts

Ces6 yes I agree with that.
Once you’ve delegated something, it’s essential to NEVER step in and help (at least for a long while) as otherwise, that thing you’ve delegated becomes yours again.

I found tha part crap tbh because why shouldn’t I help my own H? But every time I did, it came back to bit me :(

Do your DHs genuinely not do this stuff? Are you not a team? Mine needs reminding but he does it because he's a decent person. It's not the 1950s! Shocked!

For me it’s the weekend we are both off but I’m the one who always ends up taking DC to the park or does painting , craft and takes her with her on my errands. Husband happy just to put the cartoons on and he happily does his own thing. Can’t see the problem with a 5 year old sitting in front off the tv all day and gets pissed off when I get upset

Make the invisible, visible by not doing it.
It’s working in my house, it’s a shit hole because no one notices all the donkey work that I usually do.

From various threads, I think some posters are giving the wrong message to their kids.

The hysterical "cleaning before guests arrive" for a start. I don't understand that, either you are happy in your home so it's fine, or you think it's a tip and why would you put up with that when you actually live there?
Anyway, you give the the message that you, the woman, must be houseproud and, girls usually, need to show a spotless home and perfect kitchen to their new boyfriend. Then they move in together, tasks not split and it goes downhill from there.

If you insist on doing everything in the first year of your relationship, why do you expect things to change later on? Of course you take on much more on maternity leave - you are there, so you should, but no need to start that mental load crap there.

Accepting that your way is not necessarily the right way also helps. Or don't complain you are the only one doing something!

Accepting that your way is not necessarily the right way also helps.

This bit of advice works for clean freaks, but that is not what I am reading here.
The issue is a lot of stuff that mothers do makes a difference to the DCs. So if you don't do packed lunches, or get that outfit for world book day, it is the DCs who suffer.

Yes sorry but that is such a rubbish statement. If I accepted that my way was not the only right way,my child would never brush his teeth or have a bedtime story. I have just picked bedtime routine as one example, there are thousands of others.

he actually said he was fed up of me threatening to leave him over tiny trivial things, like leaving dirty socks on the floor.

I read on MN a good description of this. Every time he leaves the socks on the floor for you to pick up, every time there's a plate on the sofa instead of dishwasher - he's basically saying 'Fuck you, wife, you can do it!'
Who wants to live with a partner who thinks it's your job to pick up after them?

Katherina, yes!!! Exactly. That’s exactly how I feel and no, I don’t want to live with him and that’s why we’re separating. I earned more than him when we met but gradually he overtook me in earnings so it made sense financially for me to stay home when we had kids. But when I went back part time, in a low paid job way below my abilities and qualifications (as I still needed to be around to provide all the childcare) and said he would have to start doing more, he spat back that it should be carved up according to how much we both earned. I would have gone years ago if I hadn’t worried about the kids but eventually, you just reach a point where enough is enough. Plus I need my children to see that such misogyny in relationships is NOT acceptable and that they must have enough self-respect not to tolerate such disrespect from others.

I won't live with another man quite honestly. Every time I have I seem to have been transformed into a maid within 5 minutes just to maintain basic standards and not live in a shit tip.
I work 10 times as hard when there is a man around.
Living alone the house is tidy 24/7, there is always food in the cupboards, the laundry is up to date, there is no mess, I don't have to "make the effort" with sex and there isn't someone always moaning and I can really relax when I get home from work. With a man about it's just more work when you get home.
I'm afraid the majority of men think they are gods and us serving maidens around to clean up after them.
Is it because we are smaller? I have no idea, I just know I prefer life without.
Now my ovaries no longer work I can see so much more clearly and the thought of growing old in my little fishermans cottage on my NHS pension looks very inviting indeed.
I have friends and relatives to keep me occupied and have a good social life.

We moved house/job/everything 10 years ago. Only 5 months after moving I was dx with cancer so I dropped everything. I lost the best part of a year with surgery, recuperation and chemo. Since then our life has been chaos. DH never picked up what I had dropped and I've never been able to get back on track.

He "tidies" by putting everything in boxes. The boxes are piled into the garage (now rotting) and every room. There is no logic to the boxes because he fills them with whatever is to hand, so (a) we can't find anything, and (b) it takes so long to go through them.

I can't just say "that one is just rubbish so I'll take it to the tip" because there will be other stuff in there. He once told me a box was just newspapers and when I checked there were also 2 letters about school trips I'd left out to remind me to sign and send back plus the folder with all the original birth certs in .

I love how on here 'managing the household finances' is made out to be similar to being the CFO of some FTSE listed company...most bills are are on a direct debit that you review ever 6 months or so, not something you have to look after daily.

Our finances are that complicated. Again, something else I dropped and never took back (and now we are really in the shit). DH's wages are calculated weekly and paid 4 weekly. Not are they a different amount every time (and that has been anything up to £250 different, not just a few £) but they also come in on a different date every month. We have insurances and stuff on direct debit, but everything else is paid when/if money is there. I've just spent a few hours going over ours to find we spend well in excess of what we earn servicing debt. I'd have known that before it got to this point had I kept on top of it.

life would be so much easier oif you just got rid of these useless, lazy, selfish, misogynistic pricks instead of wasting your energy trying to manage them.
Alas, it will continue so long as a woman makes excuses for not respecting herself enough.....

All of the above and working full time too.

Every time he leaves the socks on the floor for you to pick up, every time there's a plate on the sofa instead of dishwasher

the real question is: would it be acting like that on his own? Was he like that when you moved in together?

Too many women are convinced that they will change their partner. My Dh doesn't do cards - he's not expecting me to do the for him, he's really not that bothered. So we don't. I know others who will think they have to take over, but that's where it's wrong.

Was he like that before he moved in? Yes, he lived in a pigsty but I was young, had no experience of realising that if you have a discussion with someone about your expectations before you move in together that it’s likely to mean fuck all, and I was in love. It was only after kids came along that it really struck me how much he was expecting from me. Followed gradually over the years by the realisation that it equalled misogyny and disrespect. My parents had a very different, respectful relationship so I had no idea what a bad relationship looked like. All I can say is that I’ve learned lessons that I won’t be repeating.

Weasel being in a similar position I feel for you.
We dint have the same issues with complex finances or putting stuff in boxes (H is actually more tidy than me in some ways).
But it’s the basic cleaning that has gone down the drain so I’ve had to learn to live with dirty floors amongst other things (and no we can’t have a cleaner either, even though we could afford it). And the general ‘lets make that house homely’ feeling.
Nothing has ever been done re savings so we don’t have any even though we would if someone was actually looking at what we spend and planning ahead. It also means I have no pension (something that really scares me) etc...

In a very scary way, it sometimes feels as if I would have less to do and would feel less tired on my own with a cleaner coming weekly. In the mean time, H has no idea.

cashew no actually it felt I was the lazy, untidy one when we moved in together.
Things went rapidly down hill when I had my first child and was on ML. Suddenly, everything became mine and a lot of it still is despite me being unable to do all those things. What I had to deal with on the top is his resentment of having to step up to do the very things he used to do when he was single....

This is why I'm now (happily) single. I did everything before, I do everything now. Only difference is is that now I'm not in a constant rage and full of resentment...oh and cleaning up after gross manchild partner. Did I mention I love being single?!