Invisible women's work

[smogsville]

This isn't really an AIBU but I hope I'll be forgiven for posting for more traffic.

I need to show DH what gets done in running the household - largely by me - as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

A while ago someone drew up a comprehensive long list of everything she does over the course of the year to keep her family/ house running. Does anyone know how I would find it? It'll make my point to DH much more effectively than a massive argument!

Thanks

Not if the dh refuses to take them walking if it’s raining or cold

so if you are not here your kids will miss school when it rains? That's absolutely nuts. If it rains for longer than a week, the fines will become interesting. And does it mean your DH doesn't go to work when it rains either?

I am sorry, but I just cannot comprehend adults like that.

Did I say they miss school? I said I was having to take them myself in the car.

Don’t apologise, I couldn’t comprehend him either and hence why I made that list last year when we had a full blown argument over what I do, and what he did. The list worked and he helps out a lot more than he used to. He does 90% of the cooking now, cleans the bathroom and other things around the house. I don’t think he genuinely understood what I had to do to make the house run and this list opened his eyes.

When my elderly mum was in hospital, my dad asked her in a hospital visit how to use the washing machine. My dad calls himself a feminist.

Most of these lists seem to be things that men do too... perhaps your DHs are the exception?!

I am nodding along to all of this. I eventually really resented DH as the mental load was all on me.

Luckily he left me for OW couple of years ago... and suddenly he has had to do stuff as l immediately stopped all wifework. OMG the rage he was in when he realised he'd missed school meetings, and the difficulty he had trying to work out our really complicated childcare arrangements of alternate weekends.... Latest one is that he forgot he was having the kids May half term. He asked where l would be... he wasn't happy when he remembered that l was abroad

THIS :

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

This was one of the contributing factors in my marriage breakdown. I was utterly sick and tired of having to tell/remind him of his shared responsibilities. I just got to the fuck it stage. I still have to do all the organising for my dc and house but at least not for that lazy fucker

I’ve said that on a another thread recently.

Some time ago, I’ve had to step back and stop doing stuff around the house due to my health. Anything physical was out so I stopped.
I stopped

• cooking dinner and lunch
• pushing the hoover around
• cleaning the floors
• dusting
• even a lot of the putting stuff to dry (esp inside where it meant moving clothes back up the stairs)

And then stopped other things such as

• checking that he had bought something for his parents b’day/his nieces
• organising outings for a hobby he shares with the dcs

Etc etc

I felt very guilty doing that because you know, H was a great father who was already doing so much. One that was looking after the dcs on his own (whilst I was working) every other weekend. One that was doing all the ironing.

The result is:

• H never managed to get the hOuse clean or the HW at a decent level. I’ve never complained (how could I?) but we’ve had floors not being cleaned for months/years. When, having had a burst of energy, i actually did it, H tried to convinced me he had done it and was actually cleaning said floors regularly. He didn’t. But knew VERY WELL he shouod have. Just couldnt be bothered. As I wasn’t complaining.... thought he had got away with it.

• we have reached a time when he does actually do most the things listed above. And guess what? I’m still spending a similar amount of time doing house related task/parenting than he does. They are not ‘visible’ things like hoovering or cooking. But they are just as important (I’ve tried not doing some of those. Everything collapses in a worse way than with the visible stuff).
• BUT I feel so much better. It has highlighted how much I was doing before, how much energy it was taking and how little H was actually doing, despite giving the impression he was doing loads. And it highlighted that much to H too (he is much more appreciative those days...)

Before that, no amount if talking, listing etc..ever managed to convince him him he had to step up.

@DishingOutDone - This sounds absolutely awful. In all seriousness, what are you doing still married to him?

Here's a little light reading for him, OP (nothing too onerous): www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

With things like remember when car needs MOT, it was things on top like check tyres are ok, all bulbs working, seatbelts accessible, book date, find certificate, take car, bring car home, note in diary to check brakes in 2k miles, put next year's date in diary, or if things are not good, working out whether to repair car or start looking for a new one. Make sure we have RAC or whatever. And petrol. Take car in for timing belt after 120k, and all that with not actually having the chuffing thing during the week so things needed doing at weekends and evenings. When he ran away with an ex friend of mine my workload went down cos there was none of the stuff for him, or getting his family presents etc. I was already doing everything. Well actually I did still send them pressies but he had to do things from himself, or he'd never have heard the end of it from his parents. His big hobby that started off as a sort of joint hobby, I ended doing all the donkey work ten times as much labour as the but he did. Sorting out all the interest etc for his tax return. Making sure there's show polish, brushes and cloths. Going to help various children vacate houses after the end of term, help them clean and tidy in the vain hope that they would get deposit back. Well waste if time that was, but after the ceremonial first term all the getting their stuff there and back was a pink job. Making sure if going on train everything researched and cheapest tickets bought and time we need to be on platform with tickets children and various impedimenta Every other flipping job has stuff like the car round the edges. Now he has to do it ALL and not before time. Doubt ex friend dies anything for him.

Is Fixing his laptop on there, fixing the Sky box when it goes tits up?

We've lived here for almost 9 years, he doesn't know how to read the gas and electricity meters or how to set the timer for the heat and hot water!

I keep threatening to die first and leave him in the lurch, he's a terrible techno-phobe, even the sales people at PC World run away when we go in.

The only answer I found to this, after 20+ years of discussion, disappointment, adjusting expectations, more disappointment, arguments (why doesn't he understand??), appeasement, failure to keep promises, rage, anger and eventually sullen acceptance was ...divorce.
My ex has tried every play in the book, the latest is trying to get a diagnosis of ADD. The truth is he is a lazy entitled arse. The kids openly laugh at him now for his pathetic inability to keep his house clean or look after himself . The youngest told me she needs to pack extra clean knickers to go and stay at Dads as he doesn't wash her clothes. The older ones told him he smells as he CBA to wash. This is a highly educated man on a £100K salary in his last job which he just quit.
Walk away, they don't change.

It’s the birthday cards that piss me off

A friends new MIL gave her a notebook, all of their family's birthdays, friend tool great delight in turning to her new husband saying There you are, keep it safe! The MIL was appalled.

My DH has 2 contracts, both WFH, but he works 10h days and every weekend at least 6hr. I started a job (after being SAHM for 3 yrs). I did everything. Really. In 3 yrs he never even put his plate away after dinner. But it was fine, as he is working way too much. ! started a full time job 2 weeks ago and he tries to go back to our old ways: half/half. What happened is that I have cleaned today and last weekend 2,5 hrs, cooked 4 meals in the 14d period, and did the odd tidying up. Yes the mental load is still fully on me, as he wouldn't remember his own bday at this point, but the physical stuff at least is not.
We just had a conversation today morning about how tired he is (bless him for doing everything daily), and he complemented me retrospectively on how I made everything look so effortless and how he struggles with the bare minimum.
It did feel good :)
And of course, we need to re-balance things, it's not the best atm.

My MIL also started sending me reminders that it's the birthday of second cousin of DH, twice removed, that I personally have never met.
I figured that if DH was sending them cards before he met me, he can continue, no problem. If he didn't, why on earth would I suddenly start?

My DH doesn't do much home/life admin. He went away on a ski trip with some mates earlier this year. Usually i sort out travel, insurance, passports, booking info and any docs needed for holiday. I opted out as i wasnt going and it was quite a shock for him that all these things were needed before going away!

My DH is pretty good as his mother did a good job on him.

Nevertheless, I think I make things look too effortless as I time manage every job and multi task. I get three hours’ work done in one and DH thinks everything did itself.

It is partly my fault as I like to be the CEO of the house.

Statistics and research reveals that men in their own suffer more mental and physical ill health, are poorer and die earlier than married men. Single women do better than married women in these areas.

Makes you think.

Makes sense really. Single women and married men are the happiest.

In the nicest possible way, you are a stay-at-home-mum. That role involves taking care of the home and the people in it. Which includes all cooking and cleaning duties.

Your DH couldn't just not bother doing his job, so I don't see why your role at home should be any different. I'd quit the moaning before you find yourself getting sent out to do an actual job.

In the nicest possible way, you are a stay-at-home-mum.

In the nicest possible way: a) no she isn’t, b) no it doesn’t mean ‘all cooking and cleaning duties’ anyway like there’s a universal job description somewhere, c) the lists here clearly go far beyond ‘cooking’ and ‘cleaning’, and d) it is hilarious that you think ‘accept your 24/7 housewife job or you’ll be sent out to work 9-5 instead!’ is some kind of threat.

In the nicest possible way, are you a bit hard of thinking?

A possible missing area: financial planning and management. I do:

• keeping a spreadsheet that tracks what money we have where
• deciding how much to save and where to save it, e.g. we have an emergency fund, so I worked out how much to save for it, researched accounts, opened account, transferred what we could afford into it (varied each month). Eventually the fund went into ISAs, which can only have one account holder, so it's split between me and my husband. I had to email him clear instructions on how to open the ISA (I'd researched and chosen) and what and how to transfer, until he actually did it
• anything pension related. I keep on top of what we have and where, and work out whether we're putting by enough. I nagged my husband to figure out the pension situation at his work (matching? Salary sacrifice?), figured things out, them told him how much to contribute, then nagged until he's changed it
• children's savings, we put aside a bit each month for the kids, I do all that
• government help with childcare, I researched childcare vouchers vs. tax free childcare. With 1 DC vouchers we're best, so I nagged husband to set that up at work (did mine too) and organised with childminder. With 2 DC tax free childcare is better for us - I worked that out obv. - so I set that up, nagged husband to stop his childcare vouchers, then organised everything with childminder. We pay a variable amount every month. I do that with the tax free childcare stuff. I also reconfirm my details with it every 3 months (you have to)
• the 'being a responsible adult' type insurances (life insurance, income protection insurance, critical illness cover), I researched, figured out what we need, and organised (including telling him what to buy in one case, so had to nag for that)
• mentioned already, home insurance I do. He does car insurance
• all arrangements to do with the mortgage, including organising and deciding on overpayments

-deciding and organising wills

• deciding and organising savings and budgets for any unusually large out goings, e.g. we need a new car, or want to go on a bigger holiday, it's my job to figure out the money for it

I actually really enjoy doing this stuff (apart from the nagging bit). But it's quite a lot of invisible admin so thought it could make it into the list. It's important stuff - someone doing it for the family could make a big difference in terms of how they cope in old age, how they cope in difficult times, and how financially comfortable they are.

A possible missing area: financial planning and management. I do:

• keeping a spreadsheet that tracks what money we have where
• deciding how much to save and where to save it, e.g. we have an emergency fund, so I worked out how much to save for it, researched accounts, opened account, transferred what we could afford into it (varied each month). Eventually the fund went into ISAs, which can only have one account holder, so it's split between me and my husband. I had to email him clear instructions on how to open the ISA (I'd researched and chosen) and what and how to transfer, until he actually did it
• anything pension related. I keep on top of what we have and where, and work out whether we're putting by enough. I nagged my husband to figure out the pension situation at his work (matching? Salary sacrifice?), figured things out, them told him how much to contribute, then nagged until he's changed it
• children's savings, we put aside a bit each month for the kids, I do all that
• government help with childcare, I researched childcare vouchers vs. tax free childcare. With 1 DC vouchers we're best, so I nagged husband to set that up at work (did mine too) and organised with childminder. With 2 DC tax free childcare is better for us - I worked that out obv. - so I set that up, nagged husband to stop his childcare vouchers, then organised everything with childminder. We pay a variable amount every month. I do that with the tax free childcare stuff. I also reconfirm my details with it every 3 months (you have to)
• the 'being a responsible adult' type insurances (life insurance, income protection insurance, critical illness cover), I researched, figured out what we need, and organised (including telling him what to buy in one case, so had to nag for that)
• mentioned already, home insurance I do. He does car insurance
• all arrangements to do with the mortgage, including organising and deciding on overpayments

-deciding and organising wills

• deciding and organising savings and budgets for any unusually large out goings, e.g. we need a new car, or want to go on a bigger holiday, it's my job to figure out the money for it

I actually really enjoy doing this stuff (apart from the nagging bit). But it's quite a lot of invisible admin so thought it could make it into the list. It's important stuff - someone doing it for the family could make a big difference in terms of how they cope in old age, how they cope in difficult times, and how financially comfortable they are.

Get an app to do that for you - housekeep.com, for example - tracks all the stuff automatically and takes the payment by DD, so you don't have to think about any of this in advance