Invisible women's work

[smogsville]

This isn't really an AIBU but I hope I'll be forgiven for posting for more traffic.

I need to show DH what gets done in running the household - largely by me - as he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

A while ago someone drew up a comprehensive long list of everything she does over the course of the year to keep her family/ house running. Does anyone know how I would find it? It'll make my point to DH much more effectively than a massive argument!

Thanks

@foreverhanging I would say that everything on your list me and DH both do without prompting from eachother bar the knowing about school events which I do and clearing the garden which DH does

i find its not the DOING of things, DH is happy to pop to the shops to buy something or drop the kids somewhere but he needs to be asked or reminded.. its the THINKING and being the keeper of knowledge thats the draining part.
for example. its been on the calendar since the start of the school year as well as on every school newsletter that sports day is coming up. I have to know this and then ask DH to book it off as i cant make it. or the kids will have a party on the weekend - again on the calendar but its me that needs to do the thinking of what present to get, do we have any wrapping paper, need to get a card, need to get cild to write card, need to wrap the present, what sort of party is it (to determine what clothes/shoes to wear) etc

Marking my place with a yanbu.

@AryaStarkWolf yes I would say dh and I share mostly except he works away a few days a week so I do pick up what he doesn't and I do nearly all childcare because I am at home at the moment. I was just listing what things a household needs doing :)

It's no good going on strike - it just leads to more work, bigger piles of washing to be done, no dishes, no loo roll, no food.

The only way I've found to stop it is to nip it in the bud very early on in the relationship, though I've only had a test sample of one person for that. The first time my current partner didn't pull his weight I told him outright I didn't need another child to look after.

My previous husbands were quite happy to let me do all of the wife-work plus be the breadwinner. I believed the lie that women can have it all. We need to teach our daughters not to make the same mistakes we made.

Yes what BrieandChilli said. My husband is a SAHD and does pretty much everything in the house. However, I do all the thinking, planning, calendar, reminders.

An example was yesterday when i asked him to get SOME quotes for a service. He rang one company, had a lovely chat and that's that. I would have got at last three and looked at reviews. It's a constant balancing act of trying to hand things over and not micromanaging/ nagging.

Even if you have a manly creature to do lawns, I bet 90% of the weeding is done by women!

it is worth going on strike in a way that only affects him.

Knowing when dc have gym/swimming/music and making sure they have the right stuff
Knowing when doctors or dentists appointments are due and arranging time off work for yourself and writing the school a note to get the dc out of school
Knowing bin days...
Knowing when the pet food has run out
Knowing when insurances are due
Knowing what the kids etc would like for birthdays or Xmas and not trying to get it the day before
When you go to a supermarket you don't buy 4 or 5 things you fancy for tea that night when you actually need a weeks shopping

I could go on and on

Omg, I made a list like this for dh last year when we had a massive argument about him not helping me. This is my list, it’s still saved in my notes:
———————————————————
What I do:
Work
Deal with bills (gas, electric, water, council tax, mortgage)
Cook
Clean house
Look after kids 24/7
Take kids to school
Take kids to clubs
Drive
Drive for shopping
Organise to take everyone to outings
Organise ALL holidays, book tickets, hotel etc
Keep time of everything; even when you go to bloody work
Tell everyone how to dress, as I’m your personal weather woman
Drive kids to school when it’s cold/raining
Look after house and deal with leaking and broken things
Fix things in house
Deal with all school things, letters and events, parents evening and all of the clubs.
Help kids with homework
Teach kids right and wrong
Discipline kids
Take kids to doctors/dentist
Drive myself to doctors when I’ve been ill
Organise kids play dates and friends
Take kids to the park
Replace all broken things
Feed, clean, water the rabbits

WHATS THE POINT OF BEING MARRIED?!!———————————————————

He’s improved drastically in the last few months, but it always goes downhill again at some point and he needs a kick every so often.

I don't have a holiday this year as we have been talking about going away for a few days in June and I had applied for the week off at work in preparation, but when I asked dh if he'd the week off he said no, as I hadn't specifically asked him to go in and ask for it off... I just assumed as we had been planning on going away then he'd know to ask for that week.... Silly me.
I'm planning fuck all.

Try doing reverse "to do" lists at the end of the day.

If his is work and cycling and yours is a mile long, adjust accordingly.

OP, just in case you wanted to read some literature about it, I'd recommend "Who cooked Adam Smith's dinner" as well as Caroline Criado Perez's recent one about the data gap. It has a large section there about unpaid women's work.

What pisses me off is that on sitcoms you'll always find the wife doing these things happily and effortlessly which gives the impression that it's nothing.

Having to treat a grown adult like a child is an extra burden you have that he doesn't. ^^

SPOT FUCKING ON

What do your husbands actual do?!
I do more but he works two jobs so I have more time (work full time) but he has a full time but does this over four days rather than five and has an evening job at weekends.

We take it in turns to food shop,
He has DC one day a week on his day off and organises that day - trips haircuts dentist etc
Sorts out all dentist and haircut appointments for DC
Sorts bins out and puts them out
Washes up and keeps kitchen tidy (messy cooker)
We deal with bills and price comparison between us and speak re who can find the best deal etc
Organise holidays between us (we both love holiday shopping!)
Take Dc nursery / pick ups between us

When I go back off Mat leave he will still do 4 days and have baby one day a week whilst I am full time....

Does your DH really not to anything at all?

I'm a SAHM but used to work FT. Over 5 years, we've gradually gone from being two fully functioning adults who split the work 50/50 to a domestic drudge and a man who is not even capable of putting his shoes on the rack or his discarded envelopes in the recycling.

Most of it is our fault, let's be honest

I'm working back shift and I had taken something out the freezer to get it prepared for dh coming in from work, so it's easy for him

When I come in and he's been off, I've never came into a home cooked meal

So on the back of this thread his dinners just went back in the freezer and he can sort himself out

I don't think you can write lists to resolve issues like this. He either gets it or he doesn't. If someone doesn't want to share equal home running roles, they will just exploit inertia till someone else does it. Sorry. I wish I could be more optimistic for you, but I think writing a list, will just make your problem worse. A list never covers all the invisible thinking work, anyway - you can't write most of it down!

This was an illuminating read recently. www.nytimes.com/2019/05/04/opinion/sunday/men-parenting.html?fbclid=IwAR2Y2SuFJU-aGtmd0QAnFsb_R7uQa3IwfCg04nznayRd8QuIVwjNR_eo1ug

agree that it's the mental load that's usually the biggest difference.

eg DH will be taking the DC to school tomorrow as I have an early meeting at work. But will he remember that DC2 needs £2 for an activity day? Will he fuck, even though he collected her from school when the letter came home, and it's been pinned to the fridge since then. So I will sort this out tonight.

Same with childcare. Will he take two weeks off work to cover childcare over the summer? of course. Would he, off his own bat, plan this far enough in advance that we can both guarantee the two weeks off of our choosing, and then book childcare in time or the remaining fortnight? Again, no.

On paper it looks like we're doing the same, but I do all the thinking and planning, much of which I can't just stop doing to make a point, as that would be to the detriment of the kids and the pets. .

I'm loathe to agree, but I do agree.

I've stopped enabling DH to be useless. His lunch ain't my problem. He'll figure it out, he's forty fucking five!

I don't have a list but my DH and I both work. He runs his own business and spends more time in the house.

We split household work and management between us and he does masses including most of the school stuff, school runs, laundry, food planning and food shopping. And Stacking The Dishwasher Correctly.

Men can do it. If they take it seriously. It's not a given that their poor caveman brains can't understand it all. OP your DH should stop wimping out.

Most of it is our fault, let's be honest

^

Oops, meant to quote ssp

This thread has reminded me to tell DH to go and grocery shop during his 'lunch hour' working at home.

he's getting cross about being asked to contribute to some light shared life admin.

Ask him to explain why he believes he should NOT contribute.

Honestly, I am convinced mandatorily shared parental leave is the only thing that will change anything. DH was a SAHD for a while, and is totally capable of sorting out DC's lunch boxes and gym bags without any reminding from me. Yes, I remember the pet food, but he does the insurances. I buy shoes, he sorts bins. I book dentists, he is in charge of haircuts. Having a penis does not make one useless and incapable.

there is a list, I can't find it but I know the one you mean.

I'm not well, I was up till gone 2am being not well, DH was disturbed by this and so is VERY tired. This morning he got up to get the kids to school/college etc and I stayed in the bedroom - to him this means I am having a nice lie in. I had to call out to him to get DC's medications and breakfasts (they have to eat with the meds) as he did not know what to do and of course, he shouldn't HAVE to know FFS should he?! Every item was met with a "what the fuck now" and lots of banging and sighing.

After breakfast he drove me to GP, this meant he could go to the shops next door to get things he likes for lunch. As I forgot to put bread on the list he didn't get any, as its not his job to remember bread, but I had to remember to get his prescription. As I didn't have any cash he had to give me £1.50 to pay for an over the counter thing I needed, and he made a "god! women!" gesture at the cashier. Mind you that's unusual as I normally have to draw all cash for everything, he goes to his activity every week and every single week he wants to know where the cash is that he needs in order to attend.

This is a fairly calm day, he is normally much worse, and as a result he's (I hope) a STBExDH.