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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my step kids

336 replies

Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:38

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

OP posts:
pinkgloves · 25/03/2019 18:40
Biscuit
DonPablo · 25/03/2019 18:41

Er, you know this isn't going to go well...

But what is your role? Are you allowed to tell them off? Do you treat them like sons, do watch their footy (or whatever) games, do you take them out? They must know you don't like them... Does that contribute to the atmosphere?

Northernparent68 · 25/03/2019 18:41

At least your honest, can he take them out for the day , or he could meet them weekday evening without you .

KM99 · 25/03/2019 18:41

What does your DH say about their behaviour? Is he finding it difficult too?

No judgement here, I have plenty friends with teenage kids who admit to really detesting their kids at times (even if still loving them).

SexNotJenga · 25/03/2019 18:42

They treat your home like its their home, right? Because it is.

Samind · 25/03/2019 18:42

Yeah but they're teens. Less likely to do as they're told, fight more often, think the world's against them and have general teenage angst. I don't think you're a bad person OP. I was a teenager. I was hard work. I said/did horrible things. I fought with my siblings. It's a stage in life we all have to go through. Remember that time in your life. It's hard!

Treaclesweet · 25/03/2019 18:42

How old are they now?
Do you do much of the 'parenting' or leave to your DH?

Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 18:42

I probably won’t like my own kids when they become teenagers.

OldAndWornOut · 25/03/2019 18:43

Other people's children are always a challenge, I find.

Even your own teens are a pain in the arse.

formerbabe · 25/03/2019 18:43

Every other weekend isn't that often...

You have two choices

Grin and bear it
Or
Leave the relationship

Houseonahill · 25/03/2019 18:44

They are teenagers, teenagers fight and bicker and generally treat the house like a hotel. I'm guessing you don't have kids of your own?

Frenchmontana · 25/03/2019 18:44

Loads of parents dislike the way their own kids behave when teenagers.

I get you have tried to head this off at the beginning. But I cant believe it never occurred to you that having 2 teenagers in the house would be difficult.

What will you do if one or both decide they want to live with their dad?

Hollowvictory · 25/03/2019 18:44

Yes at least it's only eow, if they were own vile teens you'd be stuck with them all the time. It must be hard though I could not be a step parent I just really wouldn't be very int in somebody else's kids! It would not be for me!

JenniferJareau · 25/03/2019 18:45

What does your DH say about their behaviour?

How do they treat you like a hotel?

Original poster
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:45

I try to keep busy when they’re over. I make plans most weekends to avoid them. I could discipline them, it’s not impossible, but I would be very uncomfortable doing so. I clearly have a crap relationship with them. Boy and girl, 18 and 16.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 25/03/2019 18:46

At least their dad has boundaries with them.
It'll all turn out ok in the end.

It would be far worse if he was the indulgent kind.

Kilash · 25/03/2019 18:47

I won't flame you - but - teenagers can be hard to love unless you are a parent with that unconditional bond. I say this from experience - I had to look after d niece and her teeage years were painful in the extreme. I had to work bloody hard to squash the annoyance, irritation and many other emotions I felt when she was being difficult. But the effort really pays off - teenagers grow up eventually and effore now will be rewarded with a fantastic relationship with the young adult they become (again experience, dear niece is 20 and we have a great relationship). My own teen drives me to distraction sometimes.

Try and find some common ground, even if it's just a TV box set to watch together. Suspend your feelings and try to enjoy small things. look for the good - spend some individual time with each. It's not easy but can get easier.

Original poster
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:47

If either one decided they wanted to live with their dad (and me as it’s actually my home too) I’d have a massive problem!!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 18:48

And if they wanted to live with you then you would have a big decision to make about your relationship.

ChinUpChestOut · 25/03/2019 18:49

Vent away.

Teenagers are ghastly. I have a DSS and a DS and both were horrors in their teenage years, my DSS marginally less so than my own DS. Either get DH to take them out, or take yourself out for the day. The more things you can get them to do to expend physical energy the better. If that fails, because (and this is v likely) they will refuse to be parted from something electronic then I suggest you make arrangements with friends, other family, do an activity yourself and only meet up afterwards so that you can have something to talk about.

These years will pass. You may feel you are losing your God given mind, but that is completely normal. Your home is their home, and it is a safe space it is also a hotel/free food dispenser/clothes dump etc and that's why they feel comfortable letting their emotions run riot. It's a sort of compliment.

My only other advice to you would to be to take the emphasis away from "hating your DSCs" and just hate teenagers in general. When they're all grown up you're probably going to like them again.......

MrsTeaspoon · 25/03/2019 18:49

Could you not have house rules? You say they treat it like a hotel but in what way? Eg if you don’t want food in bedrooms that’s a no-no. Everybody washes up/dries/puts away, that’s a house rule. If you mean not keeping rooms tidy or leaving sodden towels on floor of bathroom I’ve no idea but it’s common lol. Seriously, it is your home, you can talk to them about anything that grates without recourse to your DH.
The behaving like brats is what teens try to do, they can be a pain for any parent - biological/step/adoptive...what makes a difference is how you key it affect you and rah tou really do sound resentful. EOW is very little time to have to cope with it - a lot of us have it constantly, it’s family life you have to accept rough with smooth or change things as the adult.

You did choose this. They will be a part of your life for decades. You need to let the resentment go. Or leave yourself.

Original poster
Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:52

It’s not just EOW it’s five days a fortnight to include EOW. Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed I just mentioned the weekends as they’re the hardest.

I know five days in 14 is nothing compared to full time but they’re not my kids and it’s shit loads to me.

OP posts:
chillpizza · 25/03/2019 18:55

Bit old for eow contact surely.

BlackSatinDancer · 25/03/2019 18:56

It sounds like you are just struggling with the teenage years, rather than them being your stepchildren, if they used to be well-behaved. Teenage years can be difficult for everyone. Can you think about exactly what it is that is causing problems, perhaps write a list, and see if you and discuss can resolve some of the issues. I think my mum hated me in my teens but I turned out alright. Grin

PrincessScarlett · 25/03/2019 18:57

You've been in their lives for 8 years. Did you have a good relationship with them when they were younger? Teenagers can be awful. My SIL's step son was vile between the ages of 15-18 and they hardly saw him. Broke her and her DH's hearts. Now step son is 19 they have a good relationship again.