I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

It’s not his home.

Why not? Isn't it his father's home? or just yours? Does your DP know how you feel about his children?

Can you have a word with their dad and tactfully highlight some of the issues you have a problem with, eg,being rude, not helping etc. Would it help if some of these issues improved?

I would strongly recommend hanging in there and trying to maintain a good relationship with them as the teenage years don't last forever and things may well improve if you can stay cordial.

I'm surprised they are still doing EOW. It can only be a matter of time before they prefer to hang out with their friends on a weekend rather than coming over to spend the weekend with their dad. Are they planning to go off to uni or anything?

It’s our home, mine and their father’s. They come to stay but their home is their mother’s. They say this themselves.

Of course its their home.

Perhaps they are picking up on the fact that you are making them unwelcome in their home and so resent you for it

I would end my marriage rather than expose my children to someone who hated them. Kids will always come first.

You should have thought about all this before you married him.
At the end of the day there his kids and will come way before you. If you really hate them I'd go away EOW to a friends or family or tell you husband he has to see them out of the house. That's if he will.

This would bother me so much too. But I do think you need to pick your battles, and making a bed is quite low down really. Lower down than helping make dinner. I personally would start with that. They need to start contributing.

Otherwise I think I'd move out every Friday to Sunday night that they're over. But that'll just make it worse...

While you find it so hard, I do think they're picking up on your feelings. You might think you're hiding it so well, but it's the small subtle stuff that makes it obvious. Try to change your attitude and keep trying. You are on the home straight. This isn't going to carry on for much longer.

Surely they don't have to come together do they?

The 18yr old should be making plans with you and his Dad about when he visits, not following an access plan - he's an adult.

OP you won’t win the “it’s their home” row here.

You know the reality and I don’t know anyone in RL who thinks like this or any kid who calls the NRP house home.

People on here are bonkers about step parents.

At 18 I was much more grown up. I had a job, I lived away from home and was self sufficient.

I think you are unrealistic to expect the same from them. I don't agree with many MN posters that 18 is a magic number that changes everything, and that kids turn into adults over night and don't have to follow your rules anymore.

You are not unreasonable at all. Does your DH agree and need to be more strict and demand a bit more respect in the house?

this kind of comment from another poster is stupid I'm sure your perfect children will surprise you someday!. First of all, not all teens behave like feral brats, some might try but have stricter parents. More importantly, you can discipline your own kids, whilst you can't do anything with shitty behaviour from step-ones.

Hopefully your DH will get stricter. Then, be patient. They might end up as lovely adults. If a teen is allowed to behave as badly as he is, he won't change suddenly, his dad should really put his foot down.

OP stories are going to try and paint the step children as worse and worse.

She isn't getting anywhere, so will keep ramping up until people agree the behaviour isnt ok.

This is what happens when you choose a man with dcs...

Teenagers are well known for being selfish, lazy and rude however at age 18 this should be wearing off and they should be getting more adult like.
House rules should be followed wherever you are and making beds is hardly like being asked to clean the house from top to bottom. I think they should be able to request certain meals, within reason, but shouldn’t be having a babyish sulk if they don’t get their own way.
What could you all do together? Go and see a film, meal out? They won’t be coming to see you soon so I’d really try to grin and bear it to get through the last few weeks.

This may be what happens when you choose a man with kids but not always. Not all kids are brats. Some could be worth the effort!

Im on the same boat ... but my step kids don’t come to stay anymore, thankfully. But it’s bloody annoying to even meet up with them.
Have a glass of wine, don’t let it get to you !

I don't know Op. You sound extremely negative and its no wonder you feel they don't like you if you behave like this, going out to avoid them etc when they visit.. its outrageous really. Do you actually make any effort with your step kids ? Maybe just sit and chat and chill with them ? Actually get to know them now they've become those pesky teenagers ?? Bloody hell, you sound like such hard work, I feel for your dh being lumbered with such a whingebag ! And as for the food thing, fry up etc.. why not respond with some encouragement and let him sort his own food out if he's moaning about the roast dinner. And ..making their beds ?? ..who cares..life is too bloody short.

My teenagers can be horrendous too if that's any help, I love them but I also look forward to them moving out... Or me moving out when theyre old enough

I also do not think the OP is a bad person for ranting in a safe place on an annoymous forum.

Being a step parent is bloody hard and it’s awful how anyone who comes across as less than a saintly step parent gets flamed here.

We should be allowed to have a moan too - we are just humans.

No one can have any idea what it’s like for years on end when they choose to be with someone with kids initially.

I find this one quite hard as my ex is currently dating a lady who has made it obvious she doesn’t like my daughter.

I admit I don’t make my bed! It’s healthier to leave the covers back to air the bed. But just don’t go into his room. Not your issue.

If he is rude to you push back. If he wants fry telling him to go to the shops then cook it himself. I am sure his mum doesn’t dance attention.

He spends a lot of time st your house - it’s sad how insistent you are that it’s not his home.

Out of interest, is there a reason why you and your DH never had your own kids?

I tried very hard for a very long time. Slowly I disengaged with them, it was gradual and didn’t happen overnight. One thing after another. We used to go out for Sunday lunch every weekend they were with us. The last time they slumped over the table in their hoodies and were asked to sit up, which they did Kevin and Perry style. No manners no thanks, that was 3 years ago and I’ve never been out to a restaurant with them since. It wasn’t a one off, they’d been doing it every time. I’m not a whinge bag when they’re not around, I’m a happy person.

OP, teenagers can be vile. The only reason I love mine is that they are mine. I also see them enough to know that they can also be very nice. But if they were someone else's, Heaven help them (and me). I feel for you.

There is a reason, yes

Sounds like normal teenagers to be honest. Sometimes good to vent (I think my mum used to sometimes feel this way about me :) ). It's just a phase. Did you care about them before the teens hit? They will always be in their dad's life, so it's worth building a relationship with them as they turn into adults. Maybe you can find things in common with them?

Tbf I didn't much like my own teenagers, never mind anyone elses... I've still got 2 to go 😵

whatyoudoing this is normal teenage behaviour. Maybe you should have thought things through a bit more? A lot of parents of teenagers complain that they treat the place like a hotel. If just goes with the territory. Also why isn't it their home too? Why would they stop seeing their Dad at 18? I was still seeing lots of mine at that age - yes I went to uni but then was about all hols & I was quite well behaved but pretty sure I was annoying. Using the phone, borrowing the car, coming in late from the pub and so on. I feel sorry for your DH.