I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

If either one decided they wanted to live with their dad (and me as it’s actually my home too) I’d have a massive problem!!

Didn't say it wasnt your home. However if their dad wasnt there they wouldn't move in with you. But they could choose to live with their dad.

You would have a problem with it? Young adults/ teens choosing to live with their dad? Surely its their home too?

I simply dont get how you never expected this, never though 'worst case' out before choosing to marry a man with kids.

I have teenage step kids.

It is difficult as I am not their parent but it is my house my rules and tbf we get along well most of the time, and gang up on their dad.

Do you spend time doing things with them?
I cook with my step daughters and we have some good chats.

We go swimming and cycling together too and get them out (and off their mobile phones).

I also try to take a “hands off” approach as much as I can, eso with behaviour I don’t like, I let OH deal with it where possible.

They are really horrid to each other (14 and 12) but all I can do is encourage them to be kind to each other.

Keep trying OP.

Hate is a very strong word. Does your husband know your feelings towards his children or are you lying to him about it?

I'm afraid I would end my marriage before I allowed someone who hated my child to be around them. And the thought that person lied to me about it makes it worse.

Have you ever felt love for them, or even like, or have they always been a burden to you?

hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet

MN in general yes... the AIBU board in particular? Nope. You’ll get flamed.

You can’t realistically expect them to come less?

My kids are similar ages. They are hard work at that age. They are messy, and constantly need reminding to clean up after themselves. It is so tiring.

They are completely different at their dad and step mum's though. Rooms are tidy, nothing out of place. It's not down to their dad, it's their step mum, and hats off to her.

I'm sure it won't be like it forever. In the meantime, can you focus on their positive features?
Perhaps instead of avoiding them, try and build the relationship- spend time with them. Then when you do tell them to tidy/ pipe down/ whatever, then they will be more likely to listen.

Their brains seriously are in a weird developmental stage. They ARE selfish, but they will grow out of it.
Unfortunately, it's probably up to you to try a different tactic.

It is tough though....

I found being a stepmum hard,stepdaughter was 7 when we met and 17 when we split.We got on much better when she hit her teens tbh,we seemed to find some common ground.Very brave for you to be admitting it on here though!

I don't like my own teens much at the moment either. I will get better OP, hang in there. Just be grateful you're not their mum and with them most of the time!

Also - still coming EOW at 18 - that’s a little odd ....

Hate is a strong word. You say that you hate them, rather than just certain aspects of their behaviour. What a horrible environment for them to be in. They probably hate you too. Would it really be beyond you to find some good in them? And to re-think the problem areas as disliking certain behaviour, as opposed to hating them as individuals? After all, you are the adult here, with life experience, and in charge of the home situation. If you isolate out the particular behaviour issues, you and dh can resolve on a joint plan to tackle it, and perhaps at times pick your battles. If you can't then the problem perhaps lies with you rather than them.

There's a thread going atm with parents of teens and our struggle with mg etc. It's so hard when their your flesh I can't imagine how tough it is when they are someone else's!
Only plus side is at they feel safe they can be horrible teens around you. I was on best behaviour around my step mum growing up. So unnatural

Mg= mental health

I agree it's unusual for an 18 year old to want to spend the weekend with parents.

My sd told her dad to fuck off on Saturday.
Am I meant to like this?
I hear you op. My kids have never spoken to me/their dad/their stepdad like this and I think it's shocking.
However on here all the problem will be you.

I don’t class it as their home. They have no respect for it, don’t do anything to help and just expect.

Clearly they don’t come to see me, and would only wish to live with their dad whether I was there or not, but that doesn’t make it any less my home.

They were much better when they were younger. It has got worse as teenagers, particularly the girl.

I struggle with their immaturity. At 18 I was much more grown up. I had a job, I lived away from home and was self sufficient. I don’t understand why the 18 yr old needs his child contact nights??

Am I meant to like this?

Who said you are meant to like it?

Is essentially an adult going on an access visit - weird.

My kids stopped going at around 16 and 14.

At 18 & 16 they are young adults aswell as teens. They should be able to entertain themselves surely?

Not saying please and thank you is just a sign of bad manners. Surely there's more to this?

The “more to it” is simply that they have no manners, respect or thought for anyone but themselves. They only make their beds when told to do so!! It’s appalliing. They are told every time. Why can’t they just do it??

A lot of people say on here say that that’s normal teenage behaviour.

I don’t understand why the 18 yr old needs his child contact nights??

Seriously? You don't understand why the 18 year old wishes to spend the time with their father?

Is your relationship with your own parents fractured?

They can probably sense your hostility. You deliberately go out of your way to ignore them and you’d rather they weren’t there. You sound pretty nasty and it’s not any wonder they play up when they are staying with their dad.

@scarletbitch that stupid emoji biscuit thing is the most pathetic thing on here!

They probably do hate me too, I don’t care in the slightest.

@Bluntness100

“spending time” yes but going on an access visit at 18 is odd.