I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

Ok, but as you're the adult (ok, so are the kids pretty much) have you really tried with them because this relationship is not healthy. What's their mother like ? Could she maybe help you build bridges ? (long shot I know.)

Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it

That's no excuse. Every parent on earth has no idea the first time round and no two kids are the same.

Speak to your dh about treating the house like a hotel because at 16 and 18 they should know better. Especially the 18 year old. Basically an adult.

We used to go out for Sunday lunch every weekend they were with us. Maybe they found that boring? It might be something you like to do on a Sunday but they might prefer to do something different. They would have been 13/15 at the time. I totally get why they wouldn't want to do lunch every Sunday in a pub/restaurant. That's your idea of a nice thing to do.

How does your dp feel about the situation?

Mum is pretty disengaged with them too. She’s got a boyfriend she much prefers spending time with and is rarely home when they get dropped back! Oh yes drop off and pick up still happens too. I don’t blame her one bit.

I think everyone needs to stop giving OP such a hard time, these are not children they are young adults; why on MN does bad behaviour get excused as 'they're kids', Is be mortified if I thought mine behaved like this; they sound a pair of spoiled entitled brats. 18 is NOT a child.

They are teenagers, normal teenagers. Yes it is bloody exhausting.

But stick with it op!
The eldest is already an adult, the youngest is not far behind. You are neatly there in terms of parenting.
If you care at all for your marriage and future I would seriously consider stepping up your effort not stepping away.

Take the teens out individually to do something fun. Try and stay engaged, they will soon be grown up and I imagine they will remember keenly any unkindness op

Whatyoudoingoverthere

Whoa...so their mum doesn't seem to be interested in them, you're resentful of them being around. No wonder they're acting up. They're probably completely miserable and feel really lost. Even teenagers (even adults) need to be loved, listened to and, yes, even looked after sometimes. Poor kids.

I’d also speak to dh and set up a rota of jobs they need to do when they are with you. He needs to set expectations

Whoa...so their mum doesn't seem to be interested in them, you're resentful of them being around. No wonder they're acting up. They're probably completely miserable and feel really lost. Even teenagers (even adults) need to be loved, listened to and, yes, even looked after sometimes. Poor kids.

This.

There is such a thing as a struggling stepmum and then there's you. You have no desire to change or try to love them, you have nothing but contempt for these two teenagers because they have to be told to make their beds, apparently. You sound vile. I feel really awful for those kids. I have no sympathy for you however.

The reason Kevin and Perry was so funny is because it was so true

I think you disengaged at a time when the 18 year old was 15 and everything has followed from that.

Your conversations with him make you both sound equally awkward.
You sound like you were an exception to the rule and a grown up 18 year old (although I do wonder how much that is true). Because looking back I was an awkward teen to my parents and my DH is lovely now but was a pain when he was 18. Teenagers are awful -

This isnt insurmountable but you have to decide I think whether to give it a go. Otherwise you will have years of this (and grandchildren) to come

What does your DH think?

Whoa...so their mum doesn't seem to be interested in them, you're resentful of them being around. No wonder they're acting up. They're probably completely miserable and feel really lost. Even teenagers (even adults) need to be loved, listened to and, yes, even looked after sometimes. Poor kids.

Definitely this

Have you ever thought that the reason they're so badly behaved is because you're so hostile to them?

Hang on, these are teenagers who are rude to the OP. And you are blaming her for this?

Most step parents don’t like their step children. Not really. They are tolerated. It’s pc to say you love them as your own but that is usually false. But to hate them is a bit extreme, in the Snow White/Cinderella territory there.

Mum is pretty disengaged with them too. She’s got a boyfriend she much prefers spending time with and is rarely home when they get dropped back! Oh yes drop off and pick up still happens too. I don’t blame her one bit.
This is massively disturbing and says a lot as to why they are acting up!

Look, how does this work for the rest of your life? They will of course eventually drop the EOW schedule but how will things be for future family events, birthdays, weddings, funerals, get-togethers? Are you going to glower in the corner and ignore them, or not go to things, or expect your DH not to include his DC?

You need to build bridges, you’re the adult. Where something affects you then say something, or ask your DH to say something. But why are their beds not being made such a big deal? Do you need to go in their rooms while they are with you? That’s quite an invasion of privacy. Pick your battles ...

And to say to don't blame the mother is also very telling. If they do grow up to be monster adults who would you say is to blame ??

Hang on, these are teenagers who are rude to the OP. And you are blaming her for this?

I was just suggesting it as a reason. Subsequent posts make me think it's probably true. Is it so hard to imagine that being made to feel unwelcome in your own home (or one of them) might make a teenager feel defensive and lash out.

Oh God I really disliked mine when they were teenagers: they were awful. Difference was I loved them because they were mine. It must be incredibly difficult if you don’t have that.

But yes, as a previous poster said, you are on the home straight now. Hang on in there OP. Soon they will be out of the teenage stage and decent human beings again.

Your stepkids will know that you hate them, and that won't give them much incentive to care about making your life easier. Whereas if you at least attempt to meet them halfway, they might actually surprise you.

My DSis is a stepmum, as well as having 3 DC of her own. She really does love him as much as her own DC. She was the primary carer for her DSS for some years. He used to play her off against his dad, and his mum, but the 3 adults had a good working relationship and they got through those times. Now he's a grown man in the army, with 2 DC of his own.

It can work, but you have to want it to. It won't if you decide in advance that it won't work because they're brats.

I agree with PPs that they're probably very unhappy (their mum's attitude leaves a lot to be desired by the sounds of it) and this is why they're behaving the way they are.

I don’t class it as their home. They have no respect for it, don’t do anything to help and just expect.

That sounds like a lot of teenagers to be honest, it doesn't sound like a reason to say it isn't their home

My son sees my exh for dinner twice a week and one night eow. I don’t think it’s strange. He wants to see his dad, he goes with his sister 15 who wants to keep up the visits. I’d never discourage them!

I wouldbt treat ‘your’ house any less than a fucking shithole if you treat and spoke about me like that, god and you wonder why they have no respect for you?

• from a step mum. Not a perfect one by all means but not a complete nasty piece of work

So. Pull them up on their behaviour when they’re rude. Give them jobs to do - one can cook tea, one clear up.

You’ve known them 8 years - surely long enough to build up a good relationship with them? None of what you’ve posted sounds too bad. Pretty standard teen.

But aren’t you worried about their mum? Doesn’t sound like she’s engaged or interested in them, poor kids. Maybe that’s why they want to see their dad so often?

What their mother does is nothing to do with me. It’s hardly surprising she doesn’t want to be around them though. She has them more than I do so she must be at her wits end. Both parents are to blame, I don’t blame her anymore than DH. Some kids are just not very likeable. All you perfect mums out there, have you never been annoyed by someone else’s child when they’re acting up? Imagine that all the time in your own home.