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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my step kids

336 replies

Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:38

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

OP posts:
Kittypillar · 27/03/2019 08:34

@user1473878824 absolutely, I just struggle to understand why anyone thinks this is okay. I'll repeat again, teenagers are rubbish, she definitely has the right to complain about them being little a-holes if they are. But saying she hates them, no step parent she knows truly loves their step kids? That's just plain vile.

thedisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 08:47

it's not vile, it's being stuck in the middle and powerless.

With your own kids, you do not have to tolerate any bad behaviour, you are free to discipline your kids as you feel right, you are still their parent.

I know there are plenty of posters who had terrible relationships with their parents, but there are also many who had strict parents and still excellent relationship with them. Some people are projecting, and don't know the whole picture.

With step-kids you cannot treat them as you would treat your own child, so it goes both ways. It's immensely frustrating and that's how people become resentful.

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 27/03/2019 08:52

I'm a step mum. Do I love my step kids? Maybe. As people that are in my life a lot and have been for a long time. I would say I don't love them like my own children.

I have two step kids and you know what, I enjoy spending time with one more than the other! They are both good kids but I click a lot more with one, I'm not awful for saying that. I don't have the unconditional love for them that their mum and dad do and that can't and shouldn't be expected of me.

Do I treat them fairly and with kindness? Yes I absolutely do. But there have been days where I could have written the OP myself and where I can't wait for them to go home.

I'm not a bad person, I'm human who is trying to care for and 'love' another person's child as much as I can but it isn't always as easy as people think it is or expect it to be.

OldBrownShoe · 27/03/2019 09:00

With step-kids you cannot treat them as you would treat your own child, so it goes both ways. It's immensely frustrating and that's how people become resentful

And not only that, you’re expected to make allowances for them that you wouldn’t with your own child. The SC must always come first don’t you know!

I was a shitbag to my stepmom for no other reason than she was ‘there’
I was frustrated that I didn’t have the nuclear family that all my friends did and rather than blame my dad for leaving, she bore the brunt. I had no respect for her at all. It got to the point that Me and my sister made her weekends so miserable she used to go and stay with her own mum when we were there, much to our satisfaction.
It’s only as an adult that I can reflect on how much we must have hurt her for no other reason than she existed.

We have a much better relationship as adults and my dc call her nan. She’s never mentioned our treatment of her and on the back of this thread I’ve realised that I’ve never actually acknowledged it to her and apologised Sad

thedisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 09:09

OldBrownShoe
it's not too late Flowers

OldBrownShoe · 27/03/2019 10:40

You’re right. But I know she’ll just shoo me off with an ‘it’s all in the past’ when it’s so much more than that

thedisorganisedmum · 27/03/2019 10:51

she sounds lovely, but she would still hear it. I would tell her, or give her a meaningful gift and tell her.

SandyY2K · 27/03/2019 10:57

@OldBrownShoe

That's very honest of you...but it also highlights how parents and steparents, really don't understand what children go through when their parents split up.

All too often, parents rush into another relationship, without considering the impact on the kids, who just want to see them back together.

I think if parents took their time and communicated better during these times it would make a huge difference.

I often hear "it's not their business wht we split up. They don't need to know adult things"

The lack of explanations can lead them to make their own version of what happened, which can stay with them for a long time.

outpinked · 27/03/2019 10:59

I think they’re a bit too old for EOW contact tbh. I stopped going to my Dad’s house so much when I was 14 because I spent weekends with friends instead. Can’t believe an 18 year old still wants to spend EOW with their dad! Surely will be off to uni soon?

I’d grin and bear it for the next couple of years then they’ll both be adults in uni and this shouldn’t be an issue.

Cloverfields · 27/03/2019 11:03

Outpinked - not every child goes to uni. And why shouldn’t an 18 year old want to spend time with their dad?

SnuggyBuggy · 27/03/2019 11:06

Surely if not uni they will go to work. Their colleagues or coursemates won't tolerate their immaturity

bellabasset · 27/03/2019 11:12

Many teenagers are difficult but at their age the fact that they regularly come to their dad's home seems to indicate they need him. I think if your dh understands how they make you feel it is up to him to make them understand you. it is your home.

Try not to make bed making such an issue, try to start taking them out again, even to a pub for a sandwich and drink. If you knew why they were reliant on their visits to you it might make it easier for you. Try to welcome them and be relaxed.

Lizzie48 · 27/03/2019 11:32

@SandyY2K

You make a very good point. I remember that my DBIL was so keen not to blame his ex for their divorce in front of his DS that he ended up thinking that his dad had sent his mum away, and therefore blamed him for the break-up. Whereas the truth was that she had cheated on him and left him, and he had become the primary parent.

My DSis was the primary carer for a few years, and had to deal with a lot of his upset about this. He's come through it now and is a really lovely young man.

Starlight456 · 27/03/2019 14:24

Reality is teens can be challenging . However it is down to you and dh to change the situation.

It is not unreasonable to say this is what we expect now you are 16/18 .

Make something that works .

I can’t get wound up about beds not been made . Shut the door it is reasonable to ask for beds to be stripped when the leave to be washed or bunged in the washer.

I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect.? Do you live a long way from mum? What do they do all weekend . My 11 year old gets under my feet if he is in all weekend.

My3boys9910 · 02/04/2019 13:09

They clearly still live with their mum and she cooks dinners for them ect...so why shouldnt their dad be just as responsible in their upbringing.Set days to swing between parents should be happening as both parents made them.May help their mum finacially.Give her some peave aswell.As does their dad get his breaks.Loving other peoples kids is hard.And if you dont have your own...Your prob will begrudge the stress of grumpy lazy teenagers.I understand that.But they are intitled to their father.And should feel as his home is theirs.As they should at their mums.But at their age they should 100% contribute to chores and respect you.But it goes both ways if they sense you hate them.They will have an attitude with you.

CDotto · 14/06/2022 06:10

In the same boat - how did this play out?

sixthformdropout · 14/06/2022 06:32

I struggle to have any sympathy for your situation to be honest. It sounds like you really do hate them (as per your OP) and they are obviously picking up on that.

At this point, you’ve made your bed. Either suck it up or leave. I just can’t understand people who get into a relationship with a man who already has children and then complain when teenagers act like teenagers. If you don’t trust your husband to discipline them properly then maybe your problem should be with him.

HeckinMiffed · 14/06/2022 07:01

Oooh, hate is a strong word. As a step mum myself though I do totally understand where you're coming from. Right now I dislike my DSC as their selfish entitled behaviour is hurting my DS and our family.
However DSC is a teen. Teens are twats be they step, biological or whatever.
I do understand your frustration though, did you previously have a good relationship with them?
It sounds like your DH is doing his best, so honestly I can only suggest you just ride it out for now as at 18 and 16 they'll soon be off living their lives and less reliant on their parents.
I know its not the done thing but I'm counting the years until DSC reaches adulthood. will always be there for them, support them and what not but it will be a relief!

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/06/2022 07:06

Zombie.

Pollydonia · 14/06/2022 07:13

Hi op, my 2 DC have roughly the same age gap and I remember them having no respect for the house, trying to treat it like a hotel.I used to get myself a coffee on the way home from work and sit around the corner drinking it stealing myself before going home to WW3.
Teenagers are HARD.

TheDarrellRivers · 14/06/2022 07:19

@OldAndWornOut
exactly this!

Mamabear12 · 14/06/2022 07:24

At 18, wouldn’t the older one be going off to university? Perhaps you could encourage them to go to Uni away so they don’t live at home 😀 Most of my friends went to Uni and only returned home during the school breaks. I thought they were 13 and 16, but 16 and 18 they are almost out of the annoying teenage stage already. Set some rules; they shouldn’t be making such a mess at the house expecting you to clean it. Or get your dh to hire a cleaner after their weekends there to deal w the mess and spend most of your time out when they are there.

BadAtMaths2 · 14/06/2022 07:32

Teenagers suck. It gets better. I look forward to seeing dh’s kids now. They are in their 20s and around a lot. Hang on in there.

Ragwort · 14/06/2022 07:36

I am not condemning the OP at all because she is a SM ... it's just that she is describing pretty 'normal' teenage behaviour (yes I know there are some very well mannered teenagers). My own DS was pretty horrible as a teenager ... I would never go back to those years but most of us get through it ... your expectations are very high, many teenagers (even those like my DS who had a part time job, played sport, charming to his grandparents etc etc) can be pretty vile at home. Few teenagers are known to respect house rules - most of them are self centred and assume the world revolves around them. My DS is 21 now, thank goodness he has emerged into the world and behaves well.

But my DS still doesn't make his bed .. I just ignore it. Pick your battles.

zafferana · 14/06/2022 07:38

chillpizza · 25/03/2019 18:55

Bit old for eow contact surely.

Exactly! I had EOW with my DF when I was growing up and it ended in my mid-teens. From that point onwards we just called him up and arranged to go there for dinner or a walk with the dog or whatever.

Hang in there OP. I get that other people's DC are vile (and our own are too, occasionally), but they're 18 and 16. Surely this arrangement will come to an end soon? Is the 18-year-old off to college or uni in the autumn? Perhaps once he's gone the 16-year-old will be slightly better on her own, but I'm baffled that they're still both trotting off to their DF's EOW when one of them is an adult!

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