I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

they only make their beds when they are told you really really don’t know kids OP. They do need to be told, that is normal behaviour. Just tell them.

It's not their home? So their dad sees it like this does he?

Why does an 18 need contact nights? Most 18 year olds still need their parents. You didn't, you were totally independent at 18? Well done you. that doesnt make it the norm.

I have a 19 year old step son. His behaviour has been appalling sometimes. I get it. I really do. But mine and dps home is his home too and if wanted to come stay over he could. If he needed to love he could.

I have a younger son and if dp ever tried to tell me this wasnt his home he would get told to fuck off.

Move in.....not love he

Seeing their father is one thing, rocking up on set days every week, demanding dinner and not contributing in anyway, I.e. helping wash up is entirely another. He behaves like a 10 yr old.

Stop hassling them about making beds. Does it make any difference to you how their duvet and pillow are arranged? Give them a bit of space and you might find your relationship with them improves.

They probably do hate me too, I don’t care in the slightest.

Christ you're a charmer aren't you! Have you ever thought that the reason they're so badly behaved is because you're so hostile to them?

How dare he expect to be fed in his own home...

What difference does make to you if thei bed isnt made?

I dont always make mine and I am 37.

How dare he expect to be fed in his own home

According to OP how dare he think it's his home at all.

I have multiple younger brothers, I watched them all grow up and become teenagers. This is normal behaviour. I think it's OK not to like that behaviour, step families (of which I am a part, too) are bloody hard even without all the hormones and angst. But it's another 4 years at most until they calm the fuck down, so hang in there.

Oh, and I've never made my bed without being told and I'm nearly 40! It simply never occurs to me as a necessary thing to do.

It’s not his home. Making your bed is not a high expectation of an adult.

I make plans most weekends to avoid them.

I don’t think that helps. You know how dogs can tell if someone doesn’t like animals? Your SC will know you don’t like them because you avoid them. From their POV, why should they make the effort to be nice when you can’t stand them?

You say you don’t discipline them but do you ever praise or compliment them?

FWIW I think most teenagers treat home like a hotel. Every so often I gently remind dd of that when she comes home from uni. You just have to pick your battles with teens.

I've got a 13 and 15 year old at the moment - not SC's. Sometimes it's only the law, the bonds of blood, and my husband that keeps them alive

Sometimes (and I really think I ought to be marking it on the calendar), I think it's mainly hormonal.

I'm a manners pedant, and even now, I'm having to get them to realise that, no, getting older doesn't mean you no longer have to say please, thank you, and the rules of the house, in terms of what you contribute, and picking up after yourself, etc, remain the same. I'm the mother, not the nanny, and nor am I the housekeeper. We don't have staff.

At 18 and 16, they should be contributing in some way, even if it's just doing the dishes, helping with the groceries, putting a wash on, helping cook a meal. If they aren't, they're stuck in the childhood phase, and are not moving into the emergent adult phase. Which is not doing them, or you, any favours. Maybe it's time for a frank discussion about contribution and expectations - even if DH has it without you there?

I've got every sympathy for you. If being a Mum is hard and sometimes thankless, it seems to me that being a Stepmum is a million times worse!

My step children make their beds at 12 and 14 - it’s just polite ffs.

I don't see why you would get flamed op. I love them of course,but I don't like my own teenagers at times,so I imagine it would be pretty easy to hate someone elses if they're as bad as you say they are. I'd just go out as much as possible when they were around and look forward to the day that they stop wanting to come over so much,which given their ages should be pretty soon.

Demanding dinner? Do you mean, have dinner with their dad and step mum?

Na, you are on the wind up!

It’s not his home.

Of course it is, it’s just not his home full time.

My sd told her dad to fuck off on Saturday.
Am I meant to like this?
I hear you op. My kids have never spoken to me/their dad/their stepdad like this and I think it's shocking.

I'm sure your perfect children will surprise you someday!
I mean fgs... it's swearing, it's not that shocking. It's bloody awful being a teenager and sometimes it feels like the only way to take control of your feelings is to be absolutely vile. I can still remember, surely you can't all have been perfect teenagers.

They're 18 and 16. You're on the home straight: in a few years they'll be adults and only be visiting occasionally.

It's a shame you feel as antagonistic towards them as you do. Squash it down.

Also my step children have a room here but they do not regard our home as their own home because they don’t live here

in a few years they'll be adults and only be visiting occasionally.

Definitely true if you are this horrible to them in real life OP...you might even succeed in driving them away completely. I'm sure that would suit you wonderfully.

To be fair at 18 step child or not I’d expect someone to make their bed. 🙄

You sound like a nightmare OP. Don't worry they probably won't stick around long if that's the way you feel about them.

I don’t think anyone over the age of 16 should expect to be fed. I’d expect the adults to provide the food but there would be no expectation that a meal should be prepared. And certainly not at 18!

They call their home with mum “home”, they say they’re going to dads when they come to ours.
Conversations with 18yr old have included, are you at dads tonight? No DSS I’m at home!
Other convos, I want a fry up. No we’ve got chicken and veg for dinner, but I want a fry up why can’t I have one. Massive sulk followed. 18 not 8!