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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

303 replies

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:39

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
Frenchmontana · 13/03/2019 04:44

My exhs parents used to do the same.

To be honest I didn't mind it. They lived quite a drive away so it could be a few weeks before we see them.

We always pitched it to the kids that they, have another present to look forward to at a later date. Or 'isnt it great, you get Christmas present on 2 days'.

It's never bothered the kids and they are 15 and 8 now. Its not impacted their relationship at all.

Original poster
Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:48

@Frenchmontana my in-laws live 1 hour away. My point is they are making it all about themselves!
It’s not the point that they get to see the grandies open the presents. It’s that the grabdies get their presents on their blimmin Birthday!
Today my son said to my MIL , what is this present for? She looked put out but honestly what does she expect? His birthday was 5 weeks ago!!!

OP posts:
Redrupunzle · 13/03/2019 04:48

Sorry but I think yabu

It's much nicer to give and receive presents in person, I do think you should all make the effort to see birthday person on or at the least near their birthday but if that's not possible then waiting is okay. I think seeing the person is more important anyway

Frenchmontana · 13/03/2019 04:52

My in laws lived 2 hours away. There still post. They could have posted it.

But they wanted to give it person. You clearly dont like it, but I dont agree with you.

Them wanting to give the presents in person, really isnt a big deal in my opinion. You can put a positive spin on it. The kids have another present to look forward to.

Arowana · 13/03/2019 04:52

I think it’s nice that they like to see the kids open the presents! Is it really so important they get them on the exact right date?

My BIL has never given any of my DC a birthday present or card so I might be biased here....

Original poster
Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:54

&redrupunzle nicer for who??? Not for the child who thinks they haven’t been given a present on their birthday.

OP posts:
MummySharkBabyShark · 13/03/2019 04:55

Sounds like your husbands family have a different way of doing birthdays; to you it’s important they get the present on the day and to them it’s important to see the DC open the presents.

Tennesseewhiskey · 13/03/2019 04:56

Does it matter? Really?

They get other presents in their birthday. As they get older it happens all the time. Surely the receiving of the present and thought behind is what counts?

What real impact does it have in the kids? Their gp want to give them a present in person. It's really not a big deal.

MummySharkBabyShark · 13/03/2019 04:57

Just tell your child that they will get their birthday present when they see their grandparents. No need to have them thinking they haven’t got a present.

StoppinBy · 13/03/2019 04:59

YADBU - Your children are not entitled to gifts, the giver is however entitled to give them in person should they wish. I 100% love seeing people's faces when they open gifts, their enjoyment is the reason I buy them in the first place.

StoppinBy · 13/03/2019 05:01

The only reason the children will think they are entitled to a present or aren't getting one because it's past their birthday is if you have raised them to think that Hmm

Redrupunzle · 13/03/2019 05:01

I don't know why your kids are thinking they're not getting a gift, just say "you'll see grandma soon, she's got a gift for you"

When I think about it now I think I'd be disppointed if my in laws posted gifts and didn't want to see my girls around their birthdays. That's just me though "presence is more important then presents" comes to mind for me

finn1020 · 13/03/2019 05:08

You’re being a bit precious. They can give gifts in any way they choose, you and your kids don’t have the right to demand they arrive by their birthdays just because it’s the way you think it should be.

You could choose to smooth it over with your kids by explaining to them that MIL/SIL want to give them in person. If you don’t make a big deal of it and shrug it off your kids won’t mind either. But from the tone of your post I bet you’re not doing that. 🙄

PregnantSea · 13/03/2019 05:17

Sorry but I think YABU. Wanting to give the gifts in person is a valid reason for waiting, IMO. It's not a big deal for them to have to wait. When I was growing up I hardly saw alot of my family because they were all living so far away in various different places, and I loved knowing that when we finally went to visit them I'd get a birthday present, sweeties, and some Christmas money all at once. It did me no harm.

However, as you say they are only an hour away, it does seem odd that they waited until 5 weeks after your child's birthday to meet in person to give a present. You'd think it could have happened sooner.

HoppingPavlova · 13/03/2019 05:18

I don’t understand why it’s a big deal, or even a small one. No one in my or DH’s family ever gave them presents on the day, it was always when they next saw them which was often months away as we all live several hours from each other.

The kids never felt forgotten on their birthday, they knew the drill, no big deal, they have not been scarred in any way and I never heard one grumble over it. This still occurs now and we are lucky to see both families twice a year, some years only once so everyone always has sacks of presents to distribute and there will be Xmas and birthday presents handed across.

Rock4please · 13/03/2019 05:54

I think you are making it about you and I suspect you don't like your in-laws and are looking for a stick to beat them with. You should be pleased that they a) buy presents b) want to share the pleasure of watching their gifts opened and seeing the reactions.

If this is all you have to think about in life, you are either very lucky or you need to get out more. If you are not careful, your DC will grow up to be spoilt and entitled. I agree with the pp who said that it is presence not presents that matters.

AuntieCJ · 13/03/2019 05:58

MY DSs were perfectly happy to wait for their presents from far flung relatives. The cards arrived with a promise of a present later.

Why don't you explain this to your DCs?

Postage is very expensive on large or heavy presents. You sound a bit controlling tbh.

Aridane · 13/03/2019 05:59

YABU and a tad self-centred and entitled

HotpotLawyer · 13/03/2019 06:06

I always think it’s nicer for a present to be opened while the person who gives it is there. For both. For children it then makes it about the gift FROM the person.

Your method is like goods arriving by mail order and all about the object.

YABU. You are equally making it all about you by wanting to orchestrate how other people act within your grand birthday production plan.

It isn’t as if they forget or can’t be bothered. They want to give in person.

Bagpuss5 · 13/03/2019 06:11

Well I spose it's easier to remember a birthday if you are going to see the person rather than mailing it a set number of days before THE day.

If you make little of it the DCs will act the same.

nightshiftsaremynemisis · 13/03/2019 06:14

YANBU! I can’t believe the responses you are getting here!
Receiving a present 5 weeks after the birthday doesn’t really mean anything. Nothing wrong if your PIL want to see your DC open the presents but then you’d think they’d make the effort to see them if it was so important. Maybe not on their actual birthday but at least within the week.

perfectstorm · 13/03/2019 06:14

Really don't see anything at all wrong with this. Kids get so much on their birthdays that I think spreading it out is actually nicer for them, myself. They get to enjoy their haul more.

Honestly, if this is the worst you can say about your IL's then they can't be doing so badly. They give them presents, they visit, they love them. What does it matter, when the presents arrive?

sighrollseyes · 13/03/2019 06:16

Why couldn't you arrange to see in-laws closer to the bday?

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 06:16

“Not for the child who thinks they haven’t been given a present on their birthday.“
Well, they won’t think that if you tell them that they’ll get their present from Grandma next time they see her, will they?

Original poster
Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 06:20

Thanks you @nightshiftsaremynemisis you are fairly sane obviously. I dont think it’s precious or entitled that I have the opinion I do. Basically a lot of you posters think it’s fine for the gift giver to make it all about themselves,but aren’t happy for me to think it should be about my child.its their birthday!! What is wrong with you?!!!! You do realise my mother in law is 65 and my kids are 5&7?!!! As some others have said, don’t bother giving a present 5 weeks late!!

OP posts: