PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

[Nothinglefttochoose]

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You sound like my sil op. I used to send my nephews presents through family. One year I forgot - brain fog. So one year I sent a card, minus the present through the post. I am disabled and chronically ill. I just was physically unable to the post office to send her childs present. The winter months are very hard on me. I asked my mother to tell my brother. Ok bad thought process all round. Dh could have taken the present etc. But my brain is very poor at problem solving when I’m so ill. Sil send me a bunch of really bitchy texts - no surprise there I suppose. She like you, never invited dd to her kids birthday parties. We always sent invites to dds.

Did I complain when they sent dd a last minute unwrapped cheap present directly from amazon? No. Did I get arsey when dd could have the present of her choice but it had to come from amazon? No.

If you and your dh can’t be bothered to try to keep up a relationship and ensure your kids spend time with your in-laws, you can’t complain when they do things you don’t like. Presents are given in the way the giver chooses If you want presents on time, you need to orchestrate the situation so that they are.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

SallyCinnamon
Your situation is very different and your in-laws sound horrible.

[CJsGoldfish]

Not for the child who thinks they haven’t been given a present on their birthday
Why would they think that? Are they counting presents and checking off a list? What are you teaching them? Do their grandparents speak to them on or around their birthday? If not, why would they EXPECT a present from someone who they don't see a lot. If so, surely grandparent says "I've got your present here, I'll bring it next time I see you"

You are a bunch of hypocrites!
Most of you are unbelievabley two faced!!
You're a charmer when it doesn't go your way aren't you LOL

I suggest that you request no gifts from the grandparents. Would solve all your precious issues.

[BertrandRussell]

“I suggest that you request no gifts from the grandparents. Would solve all your precious issues“
Then you could “go no contact” and tell everyone how they never gave the children any presents.

[StoppinBy]

Would just like to ad that my kids are still waiting on Christmas presents from their Grandma and Pa because my SIL lives far away and we are waiting for them to come up, my eldest is 6 and when told they were getting something small (a small book size whiteboard and some textas with it) on Christmas day and a few other presents when we have our 'big get together' she didn't even bat an eyelid. How they react come from the parents entirely.

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

YABU I'm sure your children get plenty of presents on their birthday, it won't hurt to wait for some of them. It isn't practical or is prohibitively expensive to post some gifts. Oh and the appropriate response to bring given a gift is thank you, not what is this for.

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

Op, you say this has been going on for years, if you don't like it then change it. You can't dictate how your MIL and SIL behave all you can do is change the way you react.
You haven't been back to address the many posters who have asked and suggested that you invite the family to you for cake on a day near to your children's birthdays.
Given your poor attitude to many posters. I suspect that you won't be back and this thread will disappear because it's too outing
You won't be back because you have been told that yes, you're AIBU

[ItsAllGone19]

Nothinglefttochoose your entitled anger doesn't sound healthy.

YABU, it's perfectly normal to not want to spend a fortune posting something that may not get to the destination safely and perfectly normal for grandparents to want to see their grandchild opening gifts. Unless your children are brats, it's a wonderfully joyous thing to see a young child opening a gift and their reaction.

Get down off your high horse before you fall and do yourself some damage!

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry I skimmed this thread a bit. I'snt this what cards and phonecalls were invented for?
I think if they call and wish your child HB and send a card on the day that is more important than presents. And this matters more to primary children too I think.
Your in-laws are being a bit self gratifying, but if they've bought a special present that they know the child wants then it's not such a big thing.
You could text them in advance to remind them to call your DC on the day? Then late presents would extend the birthday feeling.
Again, sorry if its already been mentioned (I skimmed) but I think if you wanted to nudge them to be more proactive about presents you could always underline the principle by making a point of always contacting on the day and sending the present on the day yourself. And then be cheeky and ask them if they prefer that method.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I don’t understand if it’s that important to you that your dc get present from PILs on their birthdays, why you aren’t visiting them around that time.

And why aren’t you saying to the dc that granny and grandad have a present for your birthday and you’ll get it next time we meet up. This is more about you OP I think. You come across as a bit of a brat. Sorry.

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

[CardiganB]

Ironically, you are the gift that keeps on giving.

[Hoppinggreen]

People who are calling OP names probably don’t have experience of controlling family members who use emotional blackmail to get what they want.
My dc are older now and we’ve turned it into a joke so it’s not too bad

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Doesn’t matter that you think you’re being reasonable, you aren’t.

All you’re bothered about is the present. Very telling and as much as I hate the word, you come across as grabby.

Don’t pass that horrible trait on to your kids.

[Imperfectsusan]

I think YABU. On the other hand, I do think that receiving a gift face to face and laying the aside instead of opening it is rude.

[BertrandRussell]

“People who are calling OP names probably don’t have experience of controlling family members who use emotional blackmail to get what they want.”
Judging by the OP’s posting style I suspect that if she’d had more examples of controlling behaviour we would have heard them!

I do try to post parcels but when I sent my nephews books at Christmas some of the postage cost more than the book! If i’d waited til I saw them they could have had two books!

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

That’s untrue Hopping. My PILs are very hit and miss with birthday and Christmas presents. I’ve taught mine not to expect anything but if you do then it’s a nice surprise.

[GimmeBread]

You're not very nice are you OP? 😳

[UnspiritualHome]

Basically a lot of you posters think it’s fine for the gift giver to make it all about themselves,but aren’t happy for me to think it should be about my child.its their birthday!

If someone is choosing to buy a present for your child, self-evidently they aren't making it all about themselves. What is it about presents that you don't understand? They get the fleeting pleasure of seeing your child as he opens the present, your child gets the much longer term pleasure of having the present and using it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

most of you are a bunch of a holes

Um no. Not a bunch of entitled princesses.
As for a holes. Takes one to know one.
Remember when you see pointing one finger three are pointing back at you.
You have ishoos op. Lots of ishoos

[cuervos]

Well I think the overwhelming amount of responses that say YABU must make it so.

However, I'm surprised at the responses. I think a child's birthday is important to them and as adults it's thoughtful to get a gift there on time if you are sending one. 5 weeks later is just pointless and gives off an air of couldn't be arsed.

You're responses to this aren't helping though!

[CJsGoldfish]

I’m back. I still think I’m not being unreasonable. I’m definitely not a brat, ungrateful, precious or any of the other things you’ve called me. But cheers mumsnet. Most of you are a bunch of a holes!!

You are too funny OP!

Why on earth did you ask if, after almost everyone disagrees with you, you were just going to say "I still think I'm right"

And yeah, you are. LOL

[Hoppinggreen]

Well I’m probably projecting, but it’s hard not to see it as controlling when MIL texts dd to say “I have a lovely xyz for you here so tell your parents to bring you down” innocuous maybe ? Not if you know the full backstory
I’m of the opinion that if you can’t send presents or cards close to birthdays then it’s best you don’t bother at all, and I genuinely mean that not in a huffy way. If it’s too much trouble to stick an Amazon gift card In an envelope then I’d rather not receive anything.
An added complication for us is that due to when the dcs birthdays are the in laws give them their presents when we go down at Christmas at the same time as their Christmas presents and som they get loads of stuff (usually on Boxing Day after getting a shit load of stuff for other people for Birthdays and Xmas) and have no idea or appreciation of what came from who and for when.
OP may be an ungrateful brat, I don’t know but in laws (and parents) can and do use gifts as an attempt at control.

[Sitdownstandup]

You're being utterly ridiculous OP.