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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

303 replies

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:39

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 13/03/2019 07:56

YABU. I am sure the kids get plenty of other gifts from other family members on thier birthday. It's not abnormal or awful for grandparents to want to see the delight of a child's face on opening a much-wanted present! Also, children sometimes want large items that can cost a lot to post.

If this is the only so-called selfish thing your inlaws do, then you are extremely lucky.

Nomorepies · 13/03/2019 07:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Dreamingofkfc · 13/03/2019 07:59

My parents do this, they seem shocked when they come round 6 weeks after the birthday that the 3 year old's cards weren't still up and he didn't really know what the present was for. However my two don't seem to notice they've not got presents on the day from certain people

OKBobble · 13/03/2019 08:01

It is all relative - my ILs don't even send our children any presents Christmas or Birthday!

MarthasGinYard · 13/03/2019 08:03

Blimey

I think it's nice they want to watch them open the gifts.

From reading your posts I think the 'need for gratification' thing could well be something you have dreamed up yourself.

FFSFFSFFS · 13/03/2019 08:04

I give my niblings (nieces and nephews) presents when I see them. They don't seem to mind!! And we have a birthday cake and sing each time I visit for whoevers last birthday it was.

It would be an absolute pain in the neck and expensive for me to have to post each time!

Damntheman · 13/03/2019 08:07

YADBU. It's so much nicer to get presents given in person! And the kids won't mind, if anything it'll teach them patience. My brother regularly gives my daughter her birthday present when we visit in November or at xmas (her birthday is October) because we live abroad. I think it's lovely she gets to feel special on more than one day!

Hoppinggreen · 13/03/2019 08:08

I agree. My in laws do this, it’s a way to blackmail us into visiting.
I always make sure I get them something I can post so they (and my niece and nephew) have their present on their birthday but they don’t see capable of using a post office - which is ironic as MIL used to be a Postmistress!

KendraKarr · 13/03/2019 08:09

The easy option as said many times above is to be proactive and invite your ILS to your DC's birthday party or arrange a special tea. Win-win your DC gets to spend time celebrating with their family your ILS get to see their GDC open their presents and you are happy because it all happens on time. EASY!

Sirzy · 13/03/2019 08:09

If it means so much to you they why aren’t you making the effort to go and visit them near the birthday?

If they are the only family it seems quite sad that you go weeks or months without going to see them when they are only an hour away.

MarthasGinYard · 13/03/2019 08:10

'The easy option as said many times above is to be proactive and invite your ILS to your DC's birthday party or arrange a special tea.'

Fantastic idea

Loopytiles · 13/03/2019 08:11

YABU to make derogatory statements about them being “selfish” for this reason.

You’re being precious IMO.

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 13/03/2019 08:12

I think 5 weeks is too late after a birthday to give someone a present. But a couple of weeks would be fine.

However OP, you're presumably an adult and should be capable of taking people disagreeing with you without losing your shit and resorting to childish name calling. 🙄

AuntieCJ · 13/03/2019 08:12

Do calm down, OP. Most people think you are wrong. Accept that you are and stop the hysteria. You are embarrassing yourself.

fleshmarketclose · 13/03/2019 08:13

YABU my dc used to get their presents from the GP's on the weekend they saw them after their birthday. They posted the card, it was no big deal they knew they had a present to come and if anything it was nice that they weren't overwhelmed with gifts on the day.

rookiemere · 13/03/2019 08:14

Postage is very expensive these days and due to post office closures it's often difficult to find an open one.
Sounds fine to give it in person provided they aren't doing it because they expect performance gift receiving. I have a bit of a dislike of people who pride themselves on their personal gift buying skills and expect you to be overwhelmed by their gift ( obviously say thank you )

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/03/2019 08:15

My inlaws do this...its a control thing I reckon.In January they had us drive 200 miles so they could give my DD her Xmas present.They had already sent ours well before Xmas but not hers(in my view thats a special kind of fucked up attitude right there) but duly we went.found time to go cos they won't come here cos I don't have the space to put them up overnight,anyway we get there after all the fuss and DD got her Xmas prezzie that was so crucial for them to give and it was a colouring set from poundland....what a set of tossers...it wont happen again.Please before anyone thinks I am selfish and ungrateful I am not,what I am is seeing their control efforts and not having it anymore.We get there and they don't want us there cos we are too noisy,too demanding asking for a cuppa after a 3 hr drive ...totally unreasonable people we are!!!! My dd doesn't even really know them and thats sad but it was their choice.

BadLad · 13/03/2019 08:16

No opinion on this, but I loved the way the one person (at the time) who agreed with you was pronounced "sane".

Hadalifeonce · 13/03/2019 08:18

This has been pissing me off for years, I have always tried to make sure nieces and nephews get their presents on their birthday, I think it is particularly important when they are little. SILs have never really bothered, I used to make excuses when mine were little. Mine are now older, they don't care about gifts anymore, but they very much believe their aunts have never really cared.

burritofan · 13/03/2019 08:20

(Also YABU for calling grandchildren "grandies".)

BeGoodTanya · 13/03/2019 08:25

OP, do people regularly avoid you in RL, if you often trot about looking for people to agree with rants like this one? And are you equally civil to those who tell you you’re determined to be offended?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/03/2019 08:30

Sorry OP but you're ridiculous. Most of my family weren't 'local' when we were growing up. It was taken as read that if a present hadn't arrived it would be given when we saw whichever relative. You're frothing yourself into a lather over so very little really and ultimately, you could cause distance between family members and your children as you're so difficult. Stop it before you get to that point.

Children will follow your viewpoint so if you become hysterical over late gifts then so will they. Not a very nice thing to teach them though, is it?

Did you mean to refer to your children as "grabdies" in your first post?

DeaflySilence · 13/03/2019 08:31

I do think you are being unreasonable, @Nothinglefttochoose.

"Not for the child who thinks they haven’t been given a present on their birthday."

I would think a lot of that ^ would come from your attitude (especially if it is even slightly like your attitude on here) and far prefer @Frenchmontana's take on what appears to be a very similar situation. v v v

"To be honest I didn't mind it. They lived quite a drive away so it could be a few weeks before we see them. We always pitched it to the kids that they, have another present to look forward to at a later date. Or 'isnt it great, you get Christmas present on 2 days'. It's never bothered the kids and they are 15 and 8 now. Its not impacted their relationship at all."

If your DC are adversely affected by this, I truly think there is a danger that it is you who could be causing that, so hope you will look at some way of minimising that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/03/2019 08:32

'Grabdies' was in your second post, sorry.

Whatnotea · 13/03/2019 08:35

Another one here who thinks YABU.

You are bringing your Children up entitled. Yes it is their birthday and I am sure you give them lots of love & presents on their birthday, they probably have a party and lots of other presents.

Your IL's want to see the children open up the presents they have bought in their company, I think this is more than reasonable. It is about love, sharing, celebrating together and building that bond. It is meaningless tbh if your kids just get the presents with no interaction.

I take presents with me when I am invited round to celebrate their birthdays, whether it is on the day, on the weekend or weeks later.

Maybe if you want the presents on the birthday you invite them over on the birthday or the following weekend for cake.

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