PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

[Nothinglefttochoose]

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

[canadianbanana]

Why not invite your in-laws for your children’s birthdays, or at some point near their birthdays? Also, for heaven’s sake, just tell your children they will get their gifts from their grandparents when they see them next. They’re old enough to understand. It seems you are posting to have all agree that your in-laws are awful, I’m guessing you don’t like them, then call anyone who disagrees a hypocrite. People complaining that a birthday isn’t acknowledged at all, is not the same as your complaint about your children having to wait. And no, I’ve never posted this sort of complaint, for the record.

[Lifeover]

Surely giving a gift is all about both parties being there for the giving and receiving? I’d much rather wait to give a present until I see someone whereas my friend always posts hers. Tbh neither is wrong it’s jist s mismatch of ways of doing things. A goft shouldn’t be expected and should be graciously received whenever

[ddl1]

I don't think it's a big deal, so long as they get the presents! I think that, though 5 weeks is perhaps a bit long, the idea that you must get your presents on the day itself or they're not worth having is not a good one to teach children - getting presents at any time is lovely IMO! Your relatives would be selfish if they never bothered to give your children presents, but it's generous to give presents at any time, so long as they're presents that the children like. My only reservation is that some people are uncomfortable or embarrassed about getting presents in person, because they're worried that they won't respond in the expected way. But if your children don't have this reaction (which in any case is less common in children than adults), then I see no problem with it.

[manicmij]

Some presents can't be given on the Birthday eg an experience that the child would enjoy Does the child take the day of school to go to the zoo, Go Wild day, boat trip. YABU. Same for Christmas, gave a child an archery experience after she became obsessed with it after seeing Brave.Would never have expected it to be held on Christmas Day.

[Ginburee]

My cousin and I swap gifts sometimes months late. We do it face to face as we both really make an effort and like to see each other and our children open and appreciate the gifts.
We also feed the children dips, crisps and easy food to make it a treat.
It happens around twice a year and neither of us are offended by not receiving a parcel on time.

[crazycatlady5]

OP: AIBU?
EVERYONE: yes
OP: no I’m not!

[Commonpeoplelikeme]

If this bothers you so much why don’t you invite them over to celebrate your kids birthdays seeing as they don’t have much family?

And BTW yes YBVU but entertaining at the same time

[Tubs11]

Reading between the lines you don't like your in-laws and anything they do just vex you. It seems to be getting the better of you and is impacting your relationship with them and your kids. For an easy life just go with it, they're going to do what they're going to do (I don't see anything wrong with what they're doing TBH) and you're just going to wind yourself up expecting them to change. Calling people idiots for disagreeing with you isn't cool, but folk saying you're entitled is presumptuous when they don't know your circumstance

[Ihavealwaysknown]

My family have always given gifts in person whenever the next time we all met up was. One time that meant we did the Christmas gift exchange in July due to majorly conflicting schedules, along with all the birthdays up to that point in the year. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Especially with little kids, it’s nice they know (and see) who the gift is off!

[genius1308]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I can totally see where op is coming from. Adults can wait, and may be very young kids don't understand but I think kids get to an age when they put things on their wish lists and know who does get them presents (I don't think that's kids being grabby btw it's just observant). We are still waiting on Christmas presents from a close relative! The youngest is oblivious, so thats totally fine, but the eldest knows what he has asked for, has been told that this relative has got it but it still hasn't materialised yet and it's starting to upset (and frustrate him). All I can say is 'it will arrive soon I'm sure but truth be told I have no idea when that will be???

[Rita2u]

@Nothinglefttochoose - your children’s birthdays are for you to give them presents - if you want them to have more than one then buy them more than one? If any other family members want to give presents then it is a bonus for your children!

[SnowyDaze]

My in-laws do this. It really annoys me!!

She also refuses to take suggestions about what to buy my DC. So they end up with things they don’t like or want.

Also, MIL buys them massive piles of presents if we spend Christmas with them, but a much more modest gift if we spend it with my side. She’s a mean, spiteful narcissist

[Babdoc]

I’m gobsmacked at all the PPs who
think it’s fine to give a child a birthday present five weeks late!
How would you feel if your DH did this with your own birthday present? Still okay?
The message the grandparents are giving the child is: “We don’t give a shiny shit that today is your birthday, and we can’t be arsed to post your present. We’ll turn up with it 5 weeks late if we can be bothered to come round.”
I think it’s a horrible way to treat a child. I always made sure I posted presents in good time for anybody’s birthday, and especially for children.

[kitty85]

With birthdays in my family we send cards to arrive before the day and give present when we see each other. Personally I think your being very entitled and your attitude will brush of on dc. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things #no

[user1482956724]

So many saying 5 weeks is unreasonable. I think it's highly dependent on why it's been 5 weeks. Personally I dont think it is unreasonable.

How would I feel if it DH? Depends really, I was engaged once to a sailor. My birthday present was 3 months late and Christmas present a month late. Before you all start saying it's different, you dont know the reason behind the post or why the present was 5 weeks late.

[kitty85]

Op I didn't see that you only got him one present and some from friends if money is tight then I actually don't think you are unreasonable maybe explain to in-laws if money is tight

[floribunda18]

YANBU - a few days late is fine. Weeks is taking the piss, they are only an hour away.

[Supermum29]

Yabu in my opinion.
It’s noc that they want to see their grandchildren open their gifts. If the timing is an issue and it’s the same every year then why not arrange a family get together for your children’s birthday, invite them over?
At least they buy them gifts and want to see them! My daughter is almost 8 and her grandparents have never been to see her on her birthday or bought her a gift!

[Aridane]

everyone else I've asked thinks its rubbish on behalf of the MIL and SIL

Then it’s good you’ve posted here so you can see that the self selected group you’ve surveyed is out of kilter with ‘normal ‘ non involved outside opinion

[Aridane]

I think it's a pretty poor show making someone wait for a birthday present. I'm with the OP: on time (ish) or don't bother. Feel free to give a present another time if you'd like but it's not a birthday present

Well, if I were gran and saw that sort of entitled attitude, yep, I don’t think I would bother either (though I would try not to let the entitlement of the mother not overly impact on what relationship I was permitted to have with my DGC)

[Bibijayne]

@FuckertyBoo

Yup. I agree. Extended family will do their own thing. Can be frustrating though. But it's about how you mitigate that yourself.

[ILoveBray]

No one is 'entitled' to gifts. It's up to the gift giver, when, where and what etc.

My children regularly get their birthday gifts from friends or GP a couple of months later. They love it, it extends the birthday excitement.

YABU, you know you are. Raise your children not to have certain expectations of their birthday gifts and they won't be disappointed.

[goose1964]

We always give our localish grandchildren their presents in person, so sometimes it's early sometimes it's late. We always make sure that they have cards sent to them on the day. We only send presents to our grandson who lives a long way away.

As they are used to this it does not seem to upset them in any way.

[perfectstorm]

I think this is one of those things where different families just do things in very different ways. Neither is wrong. Part of marrying someone is identifying where behaviour is bad, and where people just approach family life in a way you aren't used to. This falls under the second heading.

Obviously there may be a back story which is why your frustration is spilling over here. But plenty of people see this as normal, because in their families, it is. Not even worthy of comment. That's hard if you are raised to see it as weird and rude/selfish, but that doesn't make either side wrong. There are a lot of ways to be in the world.

If money is tight, I find it helps to buy small presents through the year for birthday and Christmas. That way you have a nice little haul for them on the day when they're small, and numbers count. My son is ten, and by now prefers cash from us and close family, so he can save for what he really wants. The five year old still likes a big pile, so I do sympathise on that score if it's out of reach. But I do feel getting a late present has its own charms - when they get several together, none really gets much attention, comparatively. They value more what they get one at a time.

It's just a different approach.

[perfectstorm]

everyone else I've asked thinks its rubbish on behalf of the MIL and SIL

Honestly, if you vent about something that makes you very angry, most will agree to your face because it's not worth getting into an argument over, and some people also like a good bitch (that's just human, it's not a criticism.) In some ways you will get a more honest answer here, because people don't mind if they offend. They'll say it how they see it.