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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

303 replies

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:39

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/03/2019 07:17

Why has it taken 5 weeks to do so though. DD had her birthday recently and her grandad is visiting this weekend to give her his present. Her party was the weekend after and my parents main present is taking her shopping a month after (all agreed as it’s the most convenient date

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/03/2019 07:18

I think it's a pretty poor show making someone wait for a birthday present. I'm with the OP: on time (ish) or don't bother. Feel free to give a present another time if you'd like but it's not a birthday present.

Also, if granny must persist in waiting weeks, it's not for the OP to tell the children that granny has got them a present. That's horribly presumptuous (what if granny hasn't?). Granny should say that herself, either in the card or on the phone.

Mrscog · 13/03/2019 07:19

This wouldn't bother me - surely it's just a nice surprise to get a gift out of the blue you'd forgotten about? Don't raise your kids to be as highly strung as you are about it!

EvaHarknessRose · 13/03/2019 07:19

It’s not awful, its just a different family culture.

DHs family - you ask for an exact gift, maybe even buy it yourself, give it to the giver who pays/wraps, and must give it to you before the day so you can open it with all your presents. Get tutted if you say thank in person but don’t send a thankyou note.

My family - buy something -random- ‘thoughtful’, if the giver is visiting the day before or the week after you open the present on their arrival. Or forget altogether because ‘we’re not that strict about doing birthdays’. And only post presents if its something breakable that arrives shattered into a hundred pieces.

pictish · 13/03/2019 07:23

Yes...take the opportunity to teach your kids about patience and gratitude and how getting presents isn’t the be-all and end-all.

My kids don’t give a toss about late presents because we don’t. If you make a fuss and harbour resentment over this, so will they.

altiara · 13/03/2019 07:25

Why don’t you have a birthday tea for them and invite the in laws? Win-win!

NewAccount270219 · 13/03/2019 07:26

littlepeas everyone else I've asked thinks its rubbish on behalf of the MIL and SIL.

That really surprises me because you sound so easy going and open to disagreement?

Witchend · 13/03/2019 07:27

My uncle was army and gave the presents when we next saw them. I certainly remember once getting 3 one summer so one must have been about 18 months late.

We loved the extra present, they always felt like a bonus.

Mrscog · 13/03/2019 07:28

In fact I forgot a nieces birthday one year so just doubled the money for the next. She was delighted when the ‘bonus’ birthday rolled round.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 13/03/2019 07:30

I'm in two minds on this. I grew up with someone who routinely gave presents months late due to being scatty. It was an amusing joke tbh, it never bothered me and I liked getting the "extra" as a kid. I still savour a late gift, it doesn't bother me and I don't think it should be a big deal. I also hang on to things rather than post them sometimes (although I always post cards) for practical reasons, but I appreciate the extra effort that goes into posting so people have things on the day, too.

That said, whilst I understand how nice it is to see someone open a present they love- although surely that's not the point of giving one- I think hanging on to a gift purely to be there when someone opens it is a bit of a self centered reason to hang on tbh. Serves you right if they can't hide obvious dislike! I also always do my thank yous, so it's not like anyone misses out if I don't open in front of them. Do your DC do that, OP? Might explain why mil likes to be there if she gets no thanks.

timeisnotaline · 13/03/2019 07:32

I assume the op invited them around on the birthday and every weekend after but it was 5 weeks before the pil could find the time ... or she didn’t! Grin

Smileyaxolotl1 · 13/03/2019 07:33

Since you have not responded to
Anyone who has suggested this I will ask you directly. Do you invite the grandparents over on the kids birthday or a day nearby? If you do and they say no regularly so the kids don't get presents then yanbu. If you don't and just expect them to do what you say and send them, drop them in with no expectation of seeing them on or near their birthday then yabu.

winsinbin · 13/03/2019 07:38

Like most people I completely disagree with you OP. This is a big deal to you and I accept that. I’m guessing that in your childhood people ensured presents arrived on ‘the day’ so that’s what you are used to and expect.

Your DC are growing up in a different family where some presents are given on the day and some presents are delivered in person at a later date. That’s what they will get used to and learn to expect. Neither way is better or worse, they are just different.

By accepting this with good grace and a smile you will teach your children lessons about accepting differences within families and the value of delayed gratification.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 13/03/2019 07:40

The only way I could agree that you are being a teeny bit reasonable is if there is no card or phone call on the day. Otherwise you're batshit crazy. Visit them or invite them for a birthday tea. It's up to you as parents to make the day as special as you feel it needs to be.
Having said that, I'm inclined to think you're making this up. No one could get that het up talking to strangers about such a non-problem.

Nanny0gg · 13/03/2019 07:40

I tho k their cards should be posted to arrive on the day.

I think you should invite them over on or close to, the birthdays so the DC get their presents.

But going by your tantrums you're going to continue to carry on as you are and just complain about them.

Phineyj · 13/03/2019 07:44

I am wondering why BIL escapes all blame here. If it were left up to my DH, his nieces wouldn't receive any timely presents either. But I sort it for him as they are nice girls and I enjoy buying presents. But if I didn't step in, I wouldn't be very happy if SIL blamed me!

lms2017 · 13/03/2019 07:45

This sounds so petty... In comparison with having to tell your little one that they will never see their loved one again ! No presents ever. Appreciate they still have them around one day they will be gone that will be your bigger issue than explaining why a material item isn't coming on their birthday

The fact they bother at all is important not when.

Raspberry88 · 13/03/2019 07:47

OP...YABVU. That is the normal way to do things, ime anyway! Why on earth does it matter? Like many pp I enjoyed getting presents after my birthday...makes it all last longer! Can't understand the need to open piles of presents on your birthday anyway, surely your DC are aware how fortunate they are whatever they have!

labazsisgoingmad · 13/03/2019 07:48

what is the reason they dont see them on their actual birthday? i appreciate parties etc but surely there is a time slot in the day they could pop and give them the gift or at least next day rather than such a long time ahead

LivLemler · 13/03/2019 07:48

It was absolutely the norm on both sides of my family growing up - presents were given in person the next visit after the birthday, or passed through grandparents if they'd see the birthday girl or boy first. Expecting someone to go to the faff and expense of posting a present would've been seen as the height of rudeness.

Different families have different customs. Accepting that your in-laws do things differently is a very normal part of family life.

ISpeakJive · 13/03/2019 07:50

Hey, here’s a really crazy idea. How about you tell your children that they will getting some other surprises a little later on.
Your kids sound like spoilt little brats to be honest!!!
‘Waaaah! Waaahhh! Give me my present!’

Jeez

NotStayingIn · 13/03/2019 07:52

Going by your aggressive, self-centred updates I think the mystery of why PIL take 5 weeks to make a one hour journey has been solved. Hmm

Tessabelle74 · 13/03/2019 07:52

And if they didn't get them anything or something cheap you didn't like on the day you'd be on here moaning about that! Tell your kids it's lovely that their birthday celebrations get to be extended and stop being an ungrateful brat!

vintanner · 13/03/2019 07:53

At least they get presents.

My step-daughter has only had one present from my sister and that was a paper bookmark !!!

diddl · 13/03/2019 07:56

Weeks or months later seems odd if they are only an hour away?

Is there any acknowledgement on the day?

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