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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel offended by presents I've just received

235 replies

thisisnothow · 18/12/2018 12:30

I know I will be told I am ungrateful but quite frankly I wish they'd not even bothered. Just received a parcel from SIL damaged in the post. Due to damaged packaging I can see the gifts she has sent for us (DH, DC and me). I don't want to be too outing but she has obviously bought a load of cheap seconds (old and defected stuff) and given us that - no regard for whether it is a suitable gift or not. It is stuff I would not even consider re gifting. I feel so hurt and offended. Worse still, she sent me a list of what she and her family wanted which was way more than what we normally spend. She is not remotely short of money. I am lost for words and have no idea what I will say to her about the gifts when I see her.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/12/2018 12:31

That’s very rude.

Do you normally swap lists? Does she know what you wanted?

I’d return or keep what you’ve got them and give them a load of crap

gamerchick · 18/12/2018 12:33

Well are you going to follow her list or stock up on sweetie tubs and send them those?

Lifeofsmiley · 18/12/2018 12:34

Nip this in the bud for next year and just say you won’t be exchanging gifts from now on. If pressed for a reason I’d be honest.
Plus if anyone asks you for something more than you normally spend it’s not court summons, it’s a request that you can say that’s out our budget to

Original poster
thisisnothow · 18/12/2018 12:34

We normally swap lists, but she obviously decided not to bother asking this year despite sending hers. Too late to send hers back - I've posted them already.

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 18/12/2018 12:38

Next year just say you'll buy something for your kids and put her name on the parcel and suggest she buys her own kids and puts your name on the parcel. That way you get what you want.

knittingdad · 18/12/2018 12:41

One Christmas, soon after my Dad had set up home with my step-mother, I received a present from my step-grandparents. It was a bundle of new, bog-standard, black biros wrapped in a tissue and tied up in an attractive ribbon. I was 17, or 18.

I was flummoxed. I was old enough not to feel left out if they'd only given presents to my step-siblings (who are older than me) but didn't really know what to think of such a strange gift. I was polite about it. They ended up being useful over many years.

I find choosing gifts to give incredibly difficult, and so I find that I am grateful to receive anything, because my own efforts are inconsistent.

I do still laugh about it though.

Lordamighty · 18/12/2018 12:47

Well you will know better for next year. Either tell her in advance that you won’t be exchanging gifts, or ignore her list & get her similar tat. You don’t have to put up with this any more.

Thentherewascake · 18/12/2018 12:47

what she and her family wanted which was way more than what we normally spend.

I am afraid it's entirely your fault if you over spend. I don't understand why there has to be so many big gifts exchange anyway, unless she is hosting Christmas of course. Otherwise a token toy for the children is more than enough.

If she bought you dirty and damaged items, it's just rude. Don't spend more than a couple of pounds next year, just pop in your nearest pound shop for novelty gifts if you must send a gift.

Stickerrocks · 18/12/2018 12:53

There are two issues here. The first is that you felt pressurised into buying gifts for the family which were more than you intended to spend. However, as you bought those gifts at that cost, you can't really do anything about it now, just set yourself a budget for the whole family next year and prioritise the DC within that budget or simply say that you are only buying for the children going forwards.

Secondly, the gifts you have received aren't to your taste. It is pot luck if you haven't exchanged lists and she has got it wrong. It could have been deliberate, she may have panic bought or she may have genuinely thought you would like those gifts. Accept them with good grace, have a giggle about them in private and see if there is anything else you can do with them in the future.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 18/12/2018 12:55

I am afraid it's entirely your fault if you over spend.

Agree. I would always say should we stick to budget of £xx each?

Fairenuff · 18/12/2018 12:55

Are you saying that she has given you broken things? If so, tell her that they're broken and you are returning them to her so that she can get a refund.

skybluee · 18/12/2018 12:56

Lol the biros are quite funny.

I didn't realise you could buy seconds, is it products that have been rejected for sale by the shop?

IamPickleRick · 18/12/2018 12:57

Don’t even unwrap them, just give them straight back next year

HouseworkIsASin10 · 18/12/2018 12:57

Next year ignore her list, buy her a goat.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/12/2018 13:05

Send it back as crap not welcomed. I loathe bullshit like this, she writes a prescise list of wants and requests and you get crap. If you don’t speak up now it happens forever. Merry Christmas

AlexaMinefield · 18/12/2018 13:05

Yanbu. My sil used to do this. Dh and i would receive random tat, which one year was undoubtedly just plain nasty (a pig bowl for dh who is overweight and cow bowl for moi). What was most annoying is sil asked me one year whether to get dh x or y piece of tat. I said x as he already had something that did y's job, you can guess which one she bought him? Yep, y. Meanwhile his mum, dad + 2 other siblings would be given lavish gifts worth £100+ in front of him.

We tried for 2 years to say lets not buy for each other anymore to met with 'but we've already got yours'. Even in September. Coming from a woman who is never on time and leaves everything to the last minute i doubt it. So we just stopped buying anyway, thankfully they took the hint and i no longer have random shite to dispose of after Christmas Grin

Moneypenny007 · 18/12/2018 13:05

Totally get where you are coming from. My sil has made zero effort over the years with giving gifts. Expects lots for her 2 kids. I'm so pissed off at myself this year for putting do much effort into their gifts after seeing what they got our 2 kids.
She bought my older son a torch one year.

Fuzzywig · 18/12/2018 13:06

Tell her they were damaged in the post.

Claim from the post office for the damage.

Hopefully between the two you will get something better.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/12/2018 13:07

Good on you AlexaMinefield and darn right

MincePieMum · 18/12/2018 13:13

Slightly off topic: I bought from a catalogue seconds sale. It's a personal CD player for DS 7. Box was very damaged and dog eared. It all looks circa 2002! I've test it (it works perfectly) and put it in a lovely box with tissue paper. It was £7 inc delivery. Perfect for a 7 yr old who may not bother with it. He'll get an MP3 player if he takes well to it.

Seconds can be great bargains, but new gift boxes are a must! And also the recipient should be someone you know would be happy to make use of something that would otherwise go to landfill.

Eliza9917 · 18/12/2018 13:15

Keep the presents, put them away, and regift them back to them for birthdays throughout the year.

LucieMorningstar · 18/12/2018 13:15

@HouseworkIsASin10

I’d love a goat!! 😂

Jaxhog · 18/12/2018 13:18

Are you saying that she has given you broken things? If so, tell her that they're broken and you are returning them to her so that she can get a refund.

This!

ilovecherries · 18/12/2018 13:19

A work colleague once gave me a single pair of American Tan tights from a multipack. It still makes me laugh when I think about it, cheeky bugger.

MypetPorghasdied · 18/12/2018 13:20

If you are the only one to have seen the parcel so far (ie your DH hasn't seen it) then I would damage the parcel some more (probably by sitting on it or dropping something heavy on it) ensuring the contents are a bit more damaged and probably unusable.
I'd then message SIL telling her what the parcel carrier has done and tell her that you're sending the parcel back to her so that she can claim compensation from the carrier as she'll have all the receipts and that she has the contract with said carrier. I'd also say you would feel really bad at her having spent a lot of money on presents that can't now be given so it's only right that she gets compensated for the parcel carrier's ineptitude. I would not mention replacement gifts and just say nothing else leaving the ball in her court. Or is that just a bit evil????