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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel offended by presents I've just received

235 replies

thisisnothow · 18/12/2018 12:30

I know I will be told I am ungrateful but quite frankly I wish they'd not even bothered. Just received a parcel from SIL damaged in the post. Due to damaged packaging I can see the gifts she has sent for us (DH, DC and me). I don't want to be too outing but she has obviously bought a load of cheap seconds (old and defected stuff) and given us that - no regard for whether it is a suitable gift or not. It is stuff I would not even consider re gifting. I feel so hurt and offended. Worse still, she sent me a list of what she and her family wanted which was way more than what we normally spend. She is not remotely short of money. I am lost for words and have no idea what I will say to her about the gifts when I see her.

OP posts:
Shriek · 20/12/2018 04:11

I would wrap her Christmas gift demands around the tat she posted to you, and post it back, together with a note about totally missing the point of the spirit of Christmas! And it seems that gift exchanging isn't working anymore so that will be the last time.

I don't think the gifts themselves are an issue, but given that she expects far superior for herself and her family and ignoring your list is fucking shocking.

Putthekettleonplease · 20/12/2018 06:52

Keep the gifts she sent you. And next year, send them back to her.

winniestone37 · 20/12/2018 08:39

Due to damaged packaging, hmmm how damaged??? Because you can make out they're seconds and defective from tnis damage that has to be pretty bad, that's not a tear of paper that's unwrapped, held up to tbe light and examined! I don't believe you. If I had a pound for every thread on mumsnet about how someone's awful inlaws had offended them I'd be a billionaire. No doubt you're looking for ways to be offended and then backing it up with a mumsnet whine. I suggest you work on being a nicer person and seeing the best in people. Being endlessly offended over imagined slights sucks the joy out of your life and is boring. Your poor husband.

SilkenTofu · 20/12/2018 09:10

I know quite a few people (all close relatives) who can't be bothered to pick out a decent gift for any of us but if you bought them something cheap or that they didn't like, they would have a face like a wet weekend for months. I think this has happened to you. Honestly, some people are like this. They think "I want this, that and the other" and then do not follow through with the thought "and since I will get this, I will get thisisnothow something nice too". They think like this because they are selfish and can't empathise with others feelings.

I have actually been told by some relatives that if someone wants to go round the shops and spend a lot of money on them, then more fool them. Hmm

You need to stop CF'ers in their tracks and have very strong boundaries. I am still trying to do this with my own lot who constantly push when I try and have boundaries and reign things in.

Please Santa, bring me a backbone for Christmas.

Dontpeeonthecat · 20/12/2018 09:17

I would advertise them free to a good home on your Facebook page . Maybe useful for rags , before you chuck out for the bin men

Motoko · 20/12/2018 09:17

I suggest you work on being a nicer person and seeing the best in people.

Perhaps you should take your own advice.

ralfeesmum · 20/12/2018 10:34

She's trying to take you for a mug.

wineymummy · 20/12/2018 11:00

Ha i had totally forgotten that we were gifted a box of chocolates from MIL last year which was half eaten. She would be MORTIFIED if she knew - it was undoubtedly FIL who had been scoffing some on the sly without realising they were a gift. We had a good laugh about it and forgot the whole incident until today.

Ilikeknitting · 20/12/2018 11:17

Tell her, her parcel should be with her by tomorrow.

Act gutted when it doesn’t arrive.

Suggest next year you buy gifts for your children from her, she does the same with her children.

Forget about her and her cheap gifts.

wednesday32 · 20/12/2018 11:26

It sounds like it is time you change how your families gift each other. If you're asking for a list of items they would like, how are they to know you have set budget? Why not do secret santa or select a price per person to spend, or better yet if you are having to ask for lists then do you really know them well enough to buy gifts? I don't buy for all my family only the ones im close to and i get them what i think they would like and theyre always happy and i have kept to my budget x

prunemerealgood · 20/12/2018 11:30

Ah, I hate this sort of thing. Nobody wants to feel undervalued! Especially not in a family where things are often tricky anyway. It is so important for harmony to do the right thing where gifts are concerned, even if you don't feel it.

One year dh's stepfamily did the Oxfam goat thing but didn't tell anyone they were doing it. Why, I do not know. They went away with armfuls of very well-chosen gifts. Result: nobody speaks to each other any longer. They are a pair of grasping twits anyway but this cemented it.

DH's brother and SIL are just a bit empty. I get the teacher gifts regifted, sometimes with the seals broken. I just accept this is their form of communication.

TBH I suggest you do the same - this is what she thinks, forget about your lovely gifts because the new normal is that she doesn't care, and you will eat yourself up if you care too much. And next year it is your DH who deals with gifts end to end - insulate yourself from it.

busyhonestchildcarer · 20/12/2018 14:43

Secret santa will resolve this with a top value.xmas is about the thought of the gift.i think unless you are struggling and xmas is a time to have something you coulent otherwise afford then surprises are better anyway

Jack65 · 20/12/2018 14:44

This year we have bought gift tokens, chocolates, or alcohol. That's it. No useless presents. We would love to receive, chocolates or alcohol, or nothing at all is fine too. We are trying to adopt a more minimalist approach to life by gifting only things that we know are going to be used.

Tobebythesea · 20/12/2018 15:25

My friend is a teacher and I always get regifted the tat she doesn’t want. It really annoys me!

WilburforceRaven · 20/12/2018 15:42

Secret santa will resolve this with a top value.

It never works with tight twats like this. They just regift tat they got for free. You just can't exchange gifts with CFers like this.

ThunderOnlyHappens · 20/12/2018 18:38

It was my birthday fairly recently and my DSIS got her husband to write me a card which I received a week late ConfusedHmm. That, as they say, put a tin lid on it. Suffice to say, I returned the favour when it was her birthday-I did in the very least write the card myself!

Anyway, the point is to say that I didn't breathe a word to her, the miserable cow, even though it did upset me. Let's just say she won't be getting a present from me ever again.

poglets · 20/12/2018 18:44

Just stop doing gifts. Problem solved. Don't engage with this bullshit. It's the best present you can give yourself.

Original poster
thisisnothow · 21/12/2018 08:09

Thanks for messages which are helpful. I am so incredibly hurt by the blatant insult from SIL. I have put up with her passive aggressiveness for years about all the choices we have made over the years (going back to work when dc little, school choices, how we decorated our house even where we go on holiday) I have put up with her stirring with MIL. I have grinned and beared it all but this is the final straw. I really want her to know how offensive I find her. How do I do it passive aggressively?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 21/12/2018 08:22

OK... You thank her for her gifts....
Then go see the Martin Lewis thing about gifts...
You tell her that having seen on the news a bit about how some people send crap at Xmas as they need the money for bills, you think the point of the interview was brilliant and that it is best to not buy for each other...
You will spend the money you would have spent on her gifts for a weekend away for you and DH.

WilburforceRaven · 21/12/2018 08:26

How do I do it passive aggressively?

Just send it back to her. 'So sorry! It arrived damaged and broken. I'm sending it back so you can get a refund.'

Then next year you say you've decided on low-key Christmas and are no longer participating in gift exchanges.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/12/2018 08:55

Please do exactly what @WilburforceRaven has suggested. Package it all back up again, pop it in the post (or if you're in close driving/commuting distance perhaps drop it to her house yourself) and say "The gift you sent arrived damaged and broken so you can have it back to be able to get a refund".
When you've done that, don't dwell on it a moment longer, and enjoy your Christmas knowing that you have the mark of your SiL.

Shimy · 21/12/2018 09:00

it's the thought that counts

^As I say every time this subject comes up, only if there is any!!

There are two kinds of thoughts when buying a gift. One says, “ I care about this person and they are worth so much”, the other says, ‘I can’t stand them, and they’re worth this broken crockery”. In this case it’s the later, and both thoughts count.

SilkenTofu · 21/12/2018 09:25

I have put up with her passive aggressiveness for years about all the choices we have made over the years (going back to work when dc little, school choices, how we decorated our house even where we go on holiday) I have put up with her stirring with MIL.

What has anything YOU do got to do with her? I take it she lives some way away from you as she posts her presents. Don't tell her anything and don't tell your MIL stuff that will get back to her. Stick to topics like the weather, the news and other neutral topics. Say things like..ohh SIL you do overly concern yourself with what we are doing, don't you.....

You should have bought her a set of wooden spoons to help her with her shit stirring.

startingafresh1 · 21/12/2018 11:46

Whatever you do SIL will attempt to turn it back onto you- probably using the fact that you are better off than her as her reasoning. Sounds like she disagrees with the choices that you have made which may have led to her being less well off financially than you.

If you are ready and willing to have this argument with her then go ahead and tackle the issue.

Personally I would rise above it, but I'm not great at confrontation. She might find it more infuriating if you appear to refuse to let it get to you though!

Santasushi · 21/12/2018 11:56

I don’t understand adults giving each other lists.

I would just say thank you for the thoughtful gifts and leave it. She probably wants a reaction.

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