I don’t want DD to change her name.

[LemonBeachTowel]

DD is 13. She had recently been saying she wants to change her first name as it is “old fashioned” and says that with our surname it sounds like an old ladies name. I’m heartbroken as it is a name we picked for her because we loved it. We can’t really shorten her name and we’ve never used the associated nickname. I just can’t my head around calling her something else. AIBU to keep calling her by her name?

What is her name?

To be fair I think you can just say sorry names can't be changed

I think that’s fairly typical of that age though, I remember at 13 wanting to change my name and using different spellings and nicknames. I grew out of it. Has she always disliked her name or is it a recent thing?

Would she be prepared to use her middle name primarily and then just have a her first name for formal occasions? You're not being unreasonable to be disappointed but it is her name so it is her choice. Equally she is 13 so shouldn't make any rash decisions.

I don't think you CAN tell her 'sorry names can't be changed'... she's 13 not 3, she will find out pretty quickly that that is a lie.

I'd humour her, shes at an age where shes figuring out who she is, this is more important to her than your attachement to the name, she will after all, still BE your daughter and its likely it is a phase anyway, wheres the harm?

I hated my name as a child and teenager. I was desperate to change it. However now as an adult I love my name. I think you need to tell her she can't change it, and then if she's still adamant about it when she's older obviously she'll be able to.

I could see why you would be upset, but it’s her name and her opinion is equally valid. The middle name suggestion sounds like a good way around it. I’m sure she would understand if you still called her by her first name.

I think you have to suck it up really. Chances are it's a phase she will get over, but I would imagine the best way to get her to change it is make her feel you are controlling her.

I’d tell her yes, she can change it.

When she’s 18. Until then she has the bane she has. Her friends can call her whatever she likes, but that’s all that’s changing right now.

Unless it’s Gertrude, then I’ll help her to change it 😱😬

I’m heartbroken as it is a name we picked for her because we loved it. We can’t really shorten her name and we’ve never used the associated nickname. I just can’t my head around calling her something else.

This is all about you and not her.

Your daughter has told you that she hates the name and to be that passionate about it, I wouldn’t be surprised if she is being or has been bullied about it. Now she is 13 you can’t keep on controlling her and soon she’ll be able to legally change it anyway. If you agree now, maybe she will revert back to it but if you make it an issue she probably won’t and will resent you even more than she already does for burdening her with a name she hates.

Maybe now might be a good time to talk to her about ageism.

I'd tell her that she can change it when she is an adult.

Op please can you tell us what the name is? I’m sure it isn’t a bad name. Lots of the older names are making a come back ☺️

Is it a recent thing? If so, I'd be more worried about potential bullying or friendship issues rather than the name itself.

I know a Josh who changed his name to Joe at about this age. He’s about 40 now so it was before Josh was very popular and it wasn’t shortened Joshua. He felt it was a babyish name and no longer comfortable with it. He’s been Joe since.
I think being heartbroken is fair but you can’t just put your foot down. How does she feel about the shortened version?

I changed my first name at 14. Slightly different in that my parents had chosen an absolutely ridiculous 'out there' first name and by then I was living with my grandparents.

When I first said I wanted to change it my grandparents asked me to explain my reasons and then said they'd like me to give it 6 months and then see if I still felt the same. When I felt the same they agreed to allow me to change it and support it.

One thing to say though - I have 3 very close relations who never supported me changing my name and who refused to use my 'new' name (which was actually my middle name anyway - thankfully my Nana had persuaded my Mum to give me a normal middle name!). I have no relationship with any of them now and the name thing is primarily the reason why. So do think very carefully before refusing to support your DD. If she genuinely does hate her name it could be having a very large impact on her happiness.

I always hated my name and was bullied at secondary school about it. I started using a middle name when I went away as a student. My family have got used to it and call me by my preferred name, although it took a good few years.

A name is very personal and your DD is entitled to her own opinion.

SpottingTheZebras is spot on with her comments.

My friend insists on calling her grown-up children by their full Christian names. Three of them use different nicknames and it causes a mountain of problems. It irritates them and they resent the fact she ignores what they want.

I hated my name at that age, I remember having a right go at my dad (who'd chosen it) about it, horrible child that I was!

She must really loathe it to want to change it completely. Why can't she use the nickname?

I can understand this may be upsetting and may take you a while to get used to, but to put it bluntly, presumably you love your daughter far more than her name. While there are some things which it's absolutely right for a parent to veto, I can't see how changing her name would be one of them - it does her no harm.

Stopping her from doing something harmless which evidently she feels quite strongly about is likely to just damage your relationship.

Don't really understand why you are heartbroken about this, you must have realised the child not liking it is a possibility with any name? Don't make this all about you.

My nanna hated her name all her life. Its a shame to have a long term daily regret. I'd ask more and listen to your DD, and support her.

then said they'd like me to give it 6 months and then see if I still felt the same.

This might be a good compromise.

I would worry, just smile & nod.

Mine did this at a similar age, decided that she hated her pretty & slighly unusual name & was changing her name to Carole

Roll forward a few days & she has forgotten all about it, lives her name & hates if anyone tries to abbreviate it

I haven’t read all the replies yet. But her name isn’t something that’s really thought of as an older name at all. Her middle name is also apparently an old people’s name according to her. . I guess I am being selfish but I love the name so much that it would feel odd calling her something else.

To be honest some of the really old fashioned names that are in vogue at the moment make me wince so I can see where she's coming from. I can’t imagine going through life being called, for example, Winifred. If she’s dead-set on changing it I’d probably just go along with it. Maybe a new name that has the same initial as her current one.

Or as suggested above, smile and nod, till she's on to the next obsession