To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

I agree that it's awful when it happens. I think some people just don't look at it from the child's perspective at all, but there are also people who fully embrace their step-children. It's not everyone...

I would be horrified by people with that attitude too but haven't seen posts like that. Most of the posts I've seen have been people trying to make it work and encountering bumps along the way.

I agree! I find it appalling when the SM posts questioning how the maintenance payments would work if she works more and the father works less. In other words- 'How can we wriggle out of paying for the Step children and use that for our own joint little darlings instead?'

If you get into a serious relationship with a parent, you should be prepared to make sacrifices and compromise accordinglyZ

I'm shocked at the amount of threads where the DCs relationship with both parents is entirely facilitated by the stepmother doing all the running around. I see a lot of threads like this - but not so many of the ones you're talking about.

Unfortunately my own experience isn't great. My dcs stepmother seems hell bent on becoming our very own 'fairy tale' wicked stepmother
She's poisonous and believe me I don't use that term lightly. My ex dh and I parted amicably and with no ill feeling, just a shared desire to put the kids first and a firm friendship.
Fast forward 10 years and she has cut my ex off from virtually all his friends and family, she reads all his texts etc
She is now doing the same to my dc, he rarely sees or even contacts them now and yes, it's ultimately his responsibility but he is a very sweet but mentally fragile individual.
My poor dc feel utterly rejected and while they have me and a totally devoted stepdad too, who knows what effect his rejection will cause for years to come

I think there are people who are in a relationship with parents, and there are people who are actually step-parents ie. involved in looking after children on a regular basis and involved in their care.

Finances are often very difficult to decide fairly as is the allocation of space in a home. If a divorce has been difficult and couples find it hard to agree on matters relating to their children, that's a tricky situation for any new partner.

I think the trickiest situation that recurs on these boards involve fathers who are 'Disney Dads' who allow children to behave with hostility and rudeness to their new partner and do not expect them to behave with even the most minimal consideration.

I am extremely glad that my own partner did not behave in this way!

TBF I think this is a goady thread.

Not all SP are like that just like all RP aren't angels.

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in??

No! I started a relationship with a man who had a child. Cool, i thought, i like kids, especially this one, who was, and still is, a smart funny charming person. But I did not know that the parents would hate each other so much that every bit of contact was about point scoring against the other. That whenever it suited I was the handy scapegoat and although I had no say in the upbringing or contact or anything about that child every single bump in the road was somehow my fault!! Blamed by DH, DSD and her mother! It was crazy. Now, 25 years later, they are all best pals and I am the mean stepmother who made everything sooo difficult and stopped DSD having a decent relationship with her dad!!

It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. So no, i could never have predicted how it would turn out. And I think my story is not uncommon. I often think if they had had their differences ironed out before I came along (2 years after they split) it would have been a different story.

I had a particularly horrific step mother so I understand your feelings completely. But just remember that for every post you see in here like the ones you describe there are thousands of step families happily getting on with life without commenting.

I think whichever way you try and be a step parent, you can't win. If you try not to get too involved you don't care and are seen as a 'wicked stepmother' type and if you do get involved and try and co-parent and play and active role in SCs lives you're trying to replace their mum/dad and are over stepping the mark.

Not sure I've seen any threads like this... There's always different sides to any stories and sometimes the RP doesn't come out of it well.people will always try to present themselves in the best light when telling their stories...

Wouldn't say any one group, e.g the Step parents, Non resident or residents are always at fault...

I agree it's wrong the examples you have given but to fair I actually see far more threads where the SP does a lot of the running around / arranging childchare with ex etc... or where the SP is treated very harshly by the some people within the blended family despite not being a party in the parents separation.

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in??

I also hate this saying with a passion.

So many times you hear parents saying 'I had no idea what having kids would be like until I had them!' why would it be any different for a SP? It's an incredibly difficult line to walk sometimes and I don't think anything can prepare you for it.

Saying 'well you knew what you were getting into' to someone who is struggling dealing with the SP dynamic is such a cop out and to me just shows the posters contempt for step parents in general. You would never say that to a parent who was struggling.

Not disgusted so much as depressed. I have a lovely stepmother, and there are several fantastic step-parents in my wider family. It's so sad to see crappy situations being played out again and again on here:

• how to reduce maintenance payments, because it doesn't suit our circumstances
• crazy ex-wife/girlfriend trope
• wealthy crazy ex-wife/girlfriend trope. She's never worked a day and her kid has ten ponies and why are we paying maintenance!
• how to reduce or completely re-order contact arrangements, according to our preferences and with no consideration for the child
• the new baby's come along, or is coming soon: this is the real family and all finance/contact arrangements must reflect this
• he's a complete waste of space as a father to his existing kids, so I've decided to have a child with him

Also sick of seeing stepmothers facilitating completely disengaged fathers or Disney dads; stepmothers coming here to ask about regaining DC access when the dad has clearly made bugger all effort (usually because it's too expensive or stressful); stepmothers bearing the brunt of emotional work with upset or traumatised stepkids.

To be honest I don't get why some people get into relationships with people who already have kids, it's not for everyone and it isnt narrow minded to not be interested in people with kids.

@lunar1 I agree, while my dc have a 'wicked' stepmother, they have a lovely stepfather, so I'm massively aware it varies hugely.
Do you mind me asking about your relationship with your stepmum now? Just ignore me if you do!

Step parents who do and care a lot tend to get reminded that they aren't really parents, just the partner of someone who has dc. Step parents who take the 'just a partner' role get reminded to be more caring, involved, that they should have been prepared to do more when they started a relationship with someone who has dc.

what

No contempt for SP- my OH is step parent to my children so I definitely have first hand experience.

I just think that the decision to get involved with a new partner shouldn't be taken lightly. Therefore, gather all info before and don't change the goalposts a few years in to the detriment of the child/ren.

My pp was referring mostly to a couple of MN posts I had seen, particularly from a SM with a useless husband who between them were trying to come up with all sorts of ways to reduce child maintenance.

The step parents that I know IRL are heroes actually, I know my OH has been and I couldn't ask for more from him.

mostdays yes you see this all the time.

I saw one particularly annoying post on the step parenting board the other week where the OPs parents had paid for all the children (including OPs step children) to go to Disney Land and instead of thinking how lovely and important that they have included the DSC, one poster was insistent on saying how OPs parents need to back off trying to steal them as their own grandchildren...

It was so idiotic I couldn't even form a sentence in response.

There is often a feeling of 'if I do this will I be seen as trying to step on someone's toes, but then again if I don't do it will I be accused of not caring?'

Where there are terrible step-parents being grabby, cutting parents off from their kids... I blame the parents, I'm afraid. It is your job to make your kids your priority. If your partner tries to get between you and your kids, tries to undermine whatever you owe them in their own favour, then ditch the partner.

Reverse is true as well - I was a step-mum for nearly 10 years before becoming a parent. If my now DH had been a flaky dad, I would have ditched HIM. If he's going to be crap to his first children, how could I trust him not to be with ours?

BedsideCabinetisnotAvailable absolutely I agree that getting involved with someone with children shouldn't be a spur of the moment decision just like having your own child should not be.

But my point is that you hear so many parents saying 'oh nothing could have prepared me for what its actually like' etc... And no one would ever say 'you knew what you were getting into' if they were struggling with some aspect of it they hadn't expected to encounter. It's a cop out for giving actual helpful advice and you only ever hear it in reference to step parents.

I think those who post on mn are in the majority to be honest there’s no issues between me ex his dw or my dh in regards to ds we get on with our own lives

Minorty*

If anyone's genuinely being mean to/about their stepkids, of course that's terrible. People should always, always be kind to children. But speaking as a stepparent myself, sorry but you're not in a position to judge a stepparent's inner feelings unless you've been there, and yes YABU to judge. It's impossible to know what it's like until you go there yourself. Many stepparenting issues are complex and aren't just about the stepparent's relationship with the s/kids, there are often relationship issues, and hassles caused by a partner's ex, in the mix too.

I believe when people take to the boards here they are often allowing themselves to vent anonymously to relieve pressures they are experiencing in their stepparenting situation, and if I take my own situation a few years back as an example, I once did exactly that (and was roundly and unfairly judged on here for the things I said) for precisely that reason - things were very complex, and the very reason I needed to vent online was to ensure I stay kind/warm/welcoming to my SD because the stuff that was happening wasn't her fault, it was that of her parents but it still affected and frustrated me.

I don't think any normal decent person would claim it's OK to give a stepchild shoddy treatment of any kind, but everyone's human, and frustrations do build up. If someone comes on here to talk about a problem and ask for advice, that's not an indictment on how they actually treat their stepchild.

Reverse is true as well - I was a step-mum for nearly 10 years before becoming a parent. If my now DH had been a flaky dad, I would have ditched HIM. If he's going to be crap to his first children, how could I trust him not to be with ours?.

^^ THIS. I have been a step parent now for nine years and a large part of what made me see my now - husband as a good human being was the way in which he spoke about and cared for his children. We have not had our own children but I could not have continued in a relationship with anyone who didn't value and take responsibility for his children. They have a lovely relationship as do I with them as well.

I agree with you OP. Poor kids. However why get so entangled with someone with children in the first place? I wouldn't have done that nor would I have lived with someone if I had young kids. Better to wait until the children have left. It's more fun having a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't live with you anyway.