To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

No, you said Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave

Will be abusive, will cheat, will leave. You didn't say could, you said will. You're changing that now because people have called you on it.

Yes agree to disagree.

steak

You said they will.

Will being the operative word.

@Steakandkidney

I do get what you're saying. If my DH and I were to split up or (horrible thought, but it happened to my MIL suddenly in a car accident) he were to die, then I would have a hard time trusting another man.

But in my and my DSis's case, it wasn't a stepparent, it was my own father who was the abuser. But it still fits with what you're saying, as my DM was devoted to him and therefore had no suspicions as to what he was actually doing.

But he wasn't a stepparent. Abusers can be either bio parents or stepparents.

My relationship has been quite difficult at times and I would like someone who would bring me as least drama as possible. Someone with children would be an INSTANT write off for me. I absolutely 100% would never do it again and if that means it lowers the amount of men single and available who are compatible with me, then that’s fine with me. I don’t want that for me or my children. A half sibling is perfectly fine for them and I love my dsc, but I would never in a billion years give them a step sibling and put myself in a situation where I have to put a step sibling equal to them. Never going to happen. That’s my choice and I fully have the right to that choice.

How is this different than your current arrangement?

Just sat and read this whole thread.
It's very sad to read some of the opinions on here.
I had a step father I love very much, he has split up from my mother at least 12 years ago now but I still get a call from him every few weeks to see how I'm doing and he comes to see me. I don't call him dad but he's the best thing I have to one.

I am also a step parent; and have over the course of the last year received amazing support from the mumsnet step parenting board.
I am one of those rare step mothers that have full residency. My dp is fantastic and the furthest thing from a Disney dad, so very hands on. We share the parenting and the house work and the fun stuff.
Coming into this situation at 23 with no children, has been tough. Not because I didn't put those children first. Anyone who has read my posts know how much I put those kids first. But because as I didn't know what having children was like, nothing in my entire life prepared me for reality. I like to think I've embraced it and I am committed to those children, emotionally, financially and will support them until I'm no longer needed.
In a lot of ways I've filled a gap where mum has been absent by choice. But I never ever will take her place, its down to the children to decide about what they want from their relationship with her. Never badmouthed her in front of the kids once.
Last week I was actually approached by dp exw social worker to take care of her new baby with her partner. I'm still reeling from that... so I can't be doing that bad a job raising my step children.

I will admit I frequently come across backlash when I talk about one day having a child of my own when the time is right. It seems when you become a step parent... that becomes a thing you give up the right to.

Sorry for the long post, thought I would add my thoughts.

ImpendingDisaster

I just feel there would always be a “them and us” situation if I was to meet someone new and we became a blended family. Thats not the case in my family now, so that’s how it’s different. All of the children are my partner’s. I have already built a strong bond with my dsc but wouldn’t want another dsc in the future.
Things have never been plain sailing even in this relationship/family. But I have always played my part in making it work because I love everyone in my family. I couldn’t ever start from scratch with someone else with kids though.

I think what you're saying, funinthesun, is that your situation works for you and your kids because they're living with both their parents.

Which is pretty much the point.

It's not great for the other kids who aren't.

My step kids love their half sibling. They have spent all morning palying with the baby and arguing about who gets to teach him dancing or iPad
.he's four months do.a bit advanced for.him.yet!
They hold him and want to feed him, they cahtted about their childhoods and ask was I like that as a baby and dp says yes or no and I think it makes them feel special as he remembers their childhoods well.
It's nic and siblings argue obviously, but I'm happy my baby has big brothers and a big sister. His face lights up when he sees them.

Yes it does work for us. But it also works for my dsc too, and still does 10 years down the line. Having your parents together isn’t the be all and end all, and I know that from my own experience as a child.
My partner and his ex really don’t like other, so how would it benefit their child for them to be together? Isn’t it better for their child to live in two happy homes rather than one unhappy one?

I think you also can't predict which blended families will work. I knew someone from one involving six teenagers that worked well and another where the child was a small toddler when DM married step dad and they are having serious issues.

I wouldn't do it again either, not because my biological child is more important. He has benefitted from having a half sibling, as has dss.

I don't want more children but for arguments sake if I did, I wouldn't rule out having another child with a new partner, hence giving ds another half sibling BUT I wouldn't be in a relationship or have a child with a man who had other children.

This isn't just because I wouldn't want my child to have step siblings, I have nothing inherently against that if it is done right, but I wouldn't want to do it to myself again.

Step parenting is hard, its thankless and its really difficult to get it right. I have spent years treading on eggshells, wondering what dps ex will do next and whether she will carry her threats through. I have worried that we wouldn't see dss again several times.

I would not put myself in this position again because whilst you can control your own behaviour, you cant control everyone elses.

you also basically have to give up your own life on the whim of the ex wife, and to be honest I am not willing to do that to myself or DS.

if me and dp split up I wouldn't do that to him either because frankly I cant be arsed.