To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

I’ve seen quite a few like you mention lately. People wanting partners to decrease work, or who think it’s ridiculous that a visiting stepchild should have a proper bed or who don’t understand that maybe a stepchild will have a strong dislike for an OW/OM,
or will have difficulty trusting a parent who has been absent for a long time and reappeared.

I particularly hate it when the new partner who has swallowed their OHs tale of false accusations of abuse/parental alienation by bitter spouse being cause of all problems/having no money due to greedy ex-wife and granny kids not his alcoholism/gambling addiction that he definitely beaten now honest. I’m really like “Can you not just stop for a minute and consider this might be a fairy story, see the red flags here?”. Can they not see he’s might just turn round and subject them to the same things the ex is “bitter” about?

There’s one person who keeps posting under different names who I really really hope is a troll because honestly, those poor bloody children if even half of it is true. This ones involves using a cupboard as a bedroom for visiting step kids whilst her baby/toddler has a four poster bed and their own room.

I did read one lovely thread recently about a lady who really helped her DSD with the onset of puberty. That was a welcome relief.

But generally speaking, I think if you meet someone who had an earlier marriage that just fizzled out and both people gave it a good go before calling it quits then parted like civilised adults, both partners admit they were at least in part to blame, has kept roperly in touch with the kids and it’s been s few years since the split etc. Then maybe there’s a chance that a relationship with that kind of person might work out. If you really like kids and are prepared to put in a lot of work, understand your partner will have less time/money/emotional availability than someone without kids, and realise however tricky you think it might be, you've probably vastly underestimated it. Then it might work out.

I must say even that is way more than I would have been prepared to take on.

But if either party cheated, there are already rows about money or missed visits, there are any sob stories about abuse accusations or bitter ex’s, or drama or people still sleeping together sometimes...then it’s not going to work. And I do not get why people think even for a second that it might.

I could see how people could be massively lied to and the real truth cones out later. But thet’s aboutbiy.

Happy

That's exactly the awful person I was posting about. She wanted to put the SC in a broom cupboard and have nigh on a whole soft Play in her own children's room. Awful!

Step parents who do and care a lot tend to get reminded that they aren't really parents

That's not been my experience. When I decided to commit to my now wife one of the foremost things on my mind was that I would put her children before both her and myself, simply because they are children and deserve to be loved and cared for by the adults in their lives regardless of the complexities of adult relationships. I have always treated my stepchildren as I do my own but never expected them to feel obliged to reciprocate. You know what, genuine love and care earns it's own rewards.

Bit of a story but it's one of my most treasured memories....

When my stepdaughter was about 10, about a year after we had become a family, she asked me if she should call me dad. I was concerned about her being confused and explained to her that she had a dad and although she didn't live with him anymore he till loved her very much and would always be her dad. I wasn't replacing him but would always love her and be there for her just as much as if she were my own daughter.

On my first birthday after she turned 16 she gave me my birthday card and present as she had always done. Except this card was different from previous ones. It said "To Dad" on the front and inside she'd written "to the best dad in the world". I looked at her with a lump in my throat and she said "I'm 16 now. I'm old enough to decide for myself what I want to call you".

She's called me dad ever since and her kids know me as grandpa. Same with my stepson and his kids.

Being a step-parent is easy, you just put the needs of the children that you've accepted into your life before yourself. If you can't do that then don't get into a serious relationship with their parent. It's not rocket science.

youre going to get loads of whiny comments about how everyone is so mean to step parents on here. It's bollocks, there is endless support for good step parents. It's just that there are so many vile ones, so yeah they do get abuse but no more than they deserve.
Some of them are shockingly bad.

Rachelover40 depends really, if the parents are well and truly separated and the children are happy then there's no reason why their parents being in another relationship should be damaging for the children.

Blended families can work really well and don't have to cause any issues for the children if the adults in them act like adults and put the childrens needs first.

I don't think I've ever seen a scenario on here where the child hates their blended family and it's not because of some form of selfish act from one or more of the adults affecting the way that child thinks.

My step children like having me in their life. They tell me often that they look forward to seeing me, it's not always harmful for them to have another adult in their life if they are willing to put in the effort.

where are you seeing all these threads, OP?

also, you don't know what you're getting yourself into, nobody does.

That's exactly the awful person I was posting about. She wanted to put the SC in a broom cupboard and have nigh on a whole soft Play in her own children's room. Awful!

That poster is absolutely atrocious I agree! I don't understand why she insists on posting over and over again.

Can you post links to some of these threads OP?

I'm on AIBU quite a bit and don't remember reading these posts you mention.

If you're referring to the Step-parenting section, can you post some links?

Otherwise I simply do not believe you.

Whatwhatt

I think you're obviously wrong completely there. Of course you don't know exactly what you're getting in to when you become a step parent but there is no excuse for getting involved with a parent and not being prepared for their child to have a significant impact on your life (at the very least your partner's time, money and energy is going to be heavily invested in that child). It would be ridiculous to say "I didn't realise my partner would have to pay for their child" or "I didn't realise their child might be over at our house". All of the other complications might come as a surprise sure but the fact that the child is going to make a huge difference should be obvious.

That said the posts I've read (actually with one exception from over a year ago from a woman who clearly harboured deep hate towards her step child who wet the bed) I couldn't fault the step parent. They usually come across as people trying to navigate complicated situations as best they can.

youre going to get loads of whiny comments about how everyone is so mean

You sound pretty whiny yourself @blahblahblah18 Care to post examples of these so called threads by vile step-parents?

My step mum was a total bitch! I think it was because her own daughters treated her with such contempt she spent all her time doing everything she could possibly do for them at the expense of me and my brother. My brother ignored it completely and wasn't bothered he said she was a twat from the dregs of Liverpool and didn't know better, but one time when she had some expensive Christmas gift tags I spotted them and commented and she said 'oh yes it's for the presents we bought for my girls for Christmas' then she just stared at me realising what she'd said ... as they bought nothing for me or my brother, again, like every year - my dad was to blame really as he should have said something as she did the shopping and he did the money etc ... but he didn't, and she carried on Being a bitch

I'm adamant that my little family unit will stay together st least til my kids grow up as I
Don't want them to go through that shit. Saying that it's easy for me
To say as my husband and I have a good relationship that's lasted 23 years ... so far

Why just step parents? I see lots of threads on here about all sorts of appalling behaviour. Some people are horrible, some are lovely, most are somewhere in the middle, just trying to do the best they can. I think that applies to most people, not just the ones who happen to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

It's just that there are so many vile ones, so yeah they do get abuse but no more than they deserve.

ODFOD

I've seen the posts the OP is referring to and they are nothing like the way she describes.
All I saw were step mothers trying their best to include the child and how to work around things.

BottleOfJameson

That's great but that isn't what I was referring to. Of course getting involved with someone with a child is going to have an impact on your life, of course you're going to be expected to compromise. I've already said I agree with that.

I'm not agreeing at all with people trying to cut down maintenance in fact my first sentence was to say that the examples given in the OP are wrong.

I'm referring to the phrase 'you knew what you were getting into' being spouted 90% of the time a step parent comes here looking for advice.

It isn't always black and white and there isn't any way to pre empt every situation you'll find yourself in as a step parent. You can't use 'you knew what you were getting into' as your go to response every time, because it doesn't always work like that.

I'm talking about the genuinely posters, the good step parents who come here looking for advice because they don't know which way to turn.

I tend to see a lot of threads by SMs with feckless partners who expect them to play stepmum when it comes to the mental load at home, wifework, and caring responsibilities for the child, but then kick off when she tries to discipline or set boundaries (that are also applied to her DCs or any shared DCs), leaving a woman who is downtrodden and undervalued in her own home feeling bad about disliking her SDC that is allowed to call her names and generally treat her or her DCs like shit because Disney Dad won't tell them off or allow her to because he feels guilty.

I hardly think it's as cut and dry as SMs not wanting to pay maintenance and treating their SDCs poorly.

When SPs are genuinely being awful (and yes there are some) they are rounded on and told to sort themselves out or leave their relationship. Absolutely fair enough.

When they're trying to make it work but are thwarted by their DH/DP or the SDCs DM time and time again they are still told they aren't doing enough to make the SDC happy and that they should put themselves out more. No-win situation.

Yanbu. I feel for those kids too.

Sometimes the mil comments are ott too. I'm not a mil, but could be one day. A lot of mums with sons should consider that they could be the much maligned mil at some point and how this would make them feel. I'm aware there are some absolute nightmare mil's but sometimes, it's really sad to hear how they are thought of. It used to be a stock joke of the 70's from men, the nightmare mil.

I knew my partners child would have an impact on my life (fine)
I knew he would pay maintenance (fine)

I did not know his ex would physically abuse him in the street in front of his child
I did not know she would tell everyone he cheated on her with me (not true)
I didn't know she would tell his child that
I didn't know that his family (morons) would side with her over him, I didn't know they'd hate me
I didn't know his ex would kick his child out and his child would live with us (although its turned out fine for the most part)
I didn't know his ex would threaten my childs life (Several times)
I didn't know she'd ask for more and more and more money every time she perceived something good had happened to us (buying a house, getting a car etc)
I didn't know shed completely fuck dp over financially (she still owes him money now)
I didn't know after SIX sodding years together she would STILL be a pathetic bitter woman who just cant bloody well get over it

if I knew all this, I would have run a million miles honestly

Ugh, the whole blended family thing or starting a relationship with someone who already has children sounds like a total mine field. I genuinely don’t know why people do it.

@happy makes a lot of sense. If they parted on good terms etc, it can work, but the more I read about and see irl, the more I think that mostly it’s a mess, unfortunately.

Also @happy, with the “can you not see this is a fairy tale”? No, I really don’t think they can. And remember that the first husband / wife fell for the same crap first time round.

But also

I'm shocked at the amount of threads where the DCs relationship with both parents is entirely facilitated by the stepmother doing all the running around. I see a lot of threads like this - but not so many of the ones you're talking about.

This^^ has been partly my experience on mn too. A lot of stepparents doing a lot of running to allow their partners to maintain a decent relationship with the children they created.

My observations are the exact opposite, OP. Step mothers often get a dreadful time on here.

flaming. Yikes.

I don't think I've ever seen a scenario on here where the child hates their blended family and it's not because of some form of selfish act from one or more of the adults affecting the way that child thinks.

^Totally agree with this.

Antigon There was one in AIBU last night about a stepchild staying over. Turned out OP was the OW, thought it totally reasonable that there was no room for the stepchild to stay in, that it was fine her DP hadn’t been in regular contact with the child since the parent’s split and totally spun the bitter ex line (false accusations of abuse, ex turning child against father etc etc). Nothing was OP and DPs fault really. She mentioned she “felt bad” for the little girl a few times, but this didn’t seem to translate into any action or change in attitude. The stepchild was just a violent, evil demon child who must be kept away from new baby in case she stabbed the baby (or maybe it was shot the baby). Total demonisation of one of the few people on the situation who had no hand in causing the mess. Just scapegoating, while trying to elicit sympathy because she felt threatened.

That really lovely TooTrue.

Bedside If that poster is real, I just don’t see how she doesn’t realise in some way how she is being unreasonable.

@happy

I think I’m on that thread; where were the false accusations of abuse ?! That’s awful. Amazed I’ve missed such a big part of the thread. Maybe it’s a different one...

I don't really see where you're coming from to be honest - I don't see why you would single out "step parents" (also -what's with the quotes?)

Anyway - I'm on here regularly and I think I disagree with many parents on here in equal measure to step parents. But parents just get more slack.

I'm a step parent and a parent myself and would get completely different responses to threads from some people if I was posting about my daughter compared to my step son.

I'm a step parent and a parent myself and would get completely different responses to threads from some people if I was posting about my daughter compared to my step son

Agreed. I've posted before and omitted the fact that the children in my OP were my step children because I was sure I'd probably get an entirely different response from some posters.