To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

@flamingofridays

Absolutely, we would have been much better off if my DM had seen what was going on and had left. (She says she didn't know.) She wasn't a great mum herself, but anything would have been better than what we went through.

I think a lot of us grew up when parents were told they should stay together 'for the sake of the children'. Definitely very bad advice!

Exactly flamingo, I have family members very close to me who certainly believe they are fabulous parents and who in fact caused all sorts of distress and damage to at least one of their children. I am sure there are step parents like that too. But I repeat, it's not about step v biological. It's about the personality, behaviour and priorities of the people involved.

I work in a field in which I have a lot of knowledge of the stories of seriously dysfunctional familes and dangerous parents. There are terrible step parent stories, yes, far far worse than the family being a "zoo". And there are terrible biological parent stories too, of the same order of severity. I don't dispute that the risk of abuse by a step parent (especially a step father) is statistically greater than that by biological parent BUT in this thread we were not talking specifically about abuse (although some have come with stories of abuse, certainly). There was talk about bad parenting in general and an unfair assumption that step parents and "blended families" are bound to be harmful, that is what I was objecting to.

for instance dp would have most likely had a better life if his mum had left his dad and found someone else who actually liked her and dp
Or indeed if she'd left his dad without worrying if anyone else would take her and her son on.
Not saying that's the case here but SO many women are terrified of not having a man, that it is these cases where shit step parenting happens. Men seeing an opportunity to cock lodge in a woman's house and only having to show a brief interest in the children. Likely either having nothing to do with his own or expecting the woman to take on the donkey work.

If people were happier and more comfortable being on their own as single or co parents, then life would be much simpler. You don't have to move in with a boyfriend, you can still see them, without getting the kids involved. If more people did that for a long time, then the impact of throwing children into new situations would be less, as the introduction would be gradual.

Some of these responses have really saddened me.

However, one point that hasn't been picked up, especially for those saying they will stay single until their children are adults, is these children do not get to see healthy relationships being role modelled. You can tell and explain to a child what to expect from a partner, but the only way for them to truly understand that is by seeing it for themselves.

I was a SP for 9 years to DD, by choice I did not have a relationship during this time. I met my DP almost 7 years ago, we were friends for 2 years and then started a relationship. We moved in together 3 months ago- we have taken it very slowly. My ex (DDs dad) is engaged and recently DD said to him, 'why do you talk to XX (fiancee) like that, because XX(my DP) wouldn't talk to my mom like that as he loves her and he knows that would upset her'. She has never questioned his relationship before, however now she is seeing first-hand what a healthy relationship looks like.

This is so important for children to see whilst they grow up, therefore I am putting my DD first.

Heard it all now with the “zoo” thing
I’m actually sat here trying to work out what you mean by that ohreally. Bizarre.

Dillydallyingthrough really good point and not something I'd thought of but so true!

I just don't see how parents not allowing themself a life outside of being parents is beneficial for the children in the long run. If done right it can have lots of positive affects.

If you want to be single because you want to be single fair enough, no problem. But to do it because you think it would be selfish and bad parenting to do otherwise is just daft.

If the adults involved put in the effort then there is no reason why new relationships or step siblings should damage children. As I said up thread, I've never seen a child dislike a blended family set up and it not be because of one or more of the adults are acting like children.

If me and my partner ever split I wouldn’t rule out a relationship with someone else if I met the right person. But I would be super picky, not about looks but about that person’s circumstances. My relationship has been quite difficult at times and I would like someone who would bring me as least drama as possible. Someone with children would be an INSTANT write off for me. I absolutely 100% would never do it again and if that means it lowers the amount of men single and available who are compatible with me, then that’s fine with me. I don’t want that for me or my children. A half sibling is perfectly fine for them and I love my dsc, but I would never in a billion years give them a step sibling and put myself in a situation where I have to put a step sibling equal to them. Never going to happen. That’s my choice and I fully have the right to that choice.

HOWEVER, I fully accept that people make the special effort to blend families and they do an amazing job. I don’t knock them for it one bit!

Also, I could never get with anyone with children because there will be some ex wife knocking about in my life and I just can’t be arsed with another one.

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave.
Not something i want to put them through. They can learn about positive relationships elsewhere, other family or school. I cannot see one benefit in bringing one into the home.

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave.

All step parents??

I have one in my own home that has done none of these things?!

Steakandkidney oh crap, I must have missed the step parent list of requirements handed out at our last meeting.

I'm not abusive or a cheat and I certainly have no plans to leave my partner.

I really want to know how you have such an insight into every ones relationships? It really is some super power you have there! Teach me oh wise one

Just to confirm, step parents are regular people. No more likely to be an abusive cheat as the next person. We aren't martians sent from space to destroy your children's lives ffs.

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave.
Not something i want to put them through. They can learn about positive relationships elsewhere, other family or school. I cannot see one benefit in bringing one into the home.

Most ridiculous post award goes to you.

SillySallySingsSongs I can't believe Steak has single handedly sussed out the ulterior motives of every step parent ever. I'm very impressed. I thought our plan was fool proof.

It's very sad that some of you are so cynical about stepparents. Yes, there obviously are some abusive ones, but then again there are some abusive bio parents as well. They're people like everyone else, so you just can't generalise.

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave
Not something i want to put them through. They can learn about positive relationships elsewhere, other family or school. I cannot see one benefit in bringing one into the home

what a bizarre comment. I'm certainly not abusing anyone, cheating or going to leave!

the benefit DSS gets from me is a mother figure who actually gives a shit about his well being. Someone who helps fund his lifestyle and someone who will continue to do that well into adulthood. Lets put it this way, his mother wont be contributing to driving lessons, house deposits or helping with CV's. But because she gave birth to him she is, of course, far superior to me and I am only a lowly cheating abusive shitbag.

Whatt
Are you actually capable of arguing your point without being sarcastic and trying to befriend other people onto your team? That's at least twice you've done it that I can see.
You are taking my points very personally. I am not personally criticising you. However there's a high chance that relationships won't work, particularly with complications of kids. I don't want to take that chance, my kids have been through enough with their own dad.
Whilst people are actively making points from both sides it is you and others who are swearing, being sarcastic and generally calling people with opposing views disgusting, vile, etc ad infinitum. People are allowed an opinion-it's called debate. Not classroom politics where you try to get others in your gang.
Clearly there is a bias to this thread because it has attracted the stepfamilies. Fair enough.
Over on the relationships board you would get totally different-and more representative answers, because on there, people do cheat, leave, the kids are left in the lurch, there is DV and so on. And of course that isn't just stepfamilies but families in general. On here, there are only the defensive 'oh it's worked fabulously for us' people. So yes, it has worked for you-for now-and 'm genuinely pleased. That doesn't necessarily represent the norm though.
Being sarky on the other hand is just nasty, and indicative of a lack of decent argument.

steak I think youre bound to get people disagreeing with you and taking things personally when you write this

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave

you're saying they WILL, they as in "us" stepparents. You're not saying they could, or they might you're saying THEY WILL.

can you not comprehend that we would find that massively offensive?

you would not get any more people siding with that "argument" on the relationships board, because it would be just as ludicrous there as it is here.

Yes, not all relationships work. That is NOT exclusive to "second families" or step families. Plenty of biological parents /first husbands and wives are abusive.

Steakandkidney yes I am, when you stop making massive generalisations about other people. Offensive generalisations by the way.

@Steakandkidney

You literally just posted this

I wouldn't risk a relationship tbh. Either theyre abusive to you or kids, or they will cheat, or they will leave.
Not something i want to put them through. They can learn about positive relationships elsewhere, other family or school. I cannot see one benefit in bringing one into the home.

The only person here showing their bias is you.
What people are trying to point out to you is you cannot generalise. Everything you have said is not exclusive to step families. Anyone can cheat or be abusive or leave, in fact it obviously happens in 'first' relationships otherwise step families wouldn't exist.

You come across really narrow minded and I can't wrap my head around it if you haven't even got personal experience of the situations that you speak of.

I am not personally criticising you

But you are. You've just told us, step parents, that we are all abusive cheats who will end up leaving our partners. How can you not see that is a really ridiculous comment to make and someone will take it personally and be offended.

You aren't a step parent so your comments don't affect you. The people who are step parents are telling you it's offensive and ridiculous but you still insist.

You are including everyone within a certain group in your argument and it's wrong.

And it's impossible to have a friendly, intelligent debate with someone who tells me I'm abusive and a cheat simply because my partner happens to have children.

Children who I do nothing but care for and treat as best as I possibly can by the way.

Steak. you have to be on the wind up.

Stepparents will either abuse us or cheat and half siblings aren't real siblings. Where do you get this crap from?

Why can't you accept that some of us 'blended' families are happy and have had good experiences? I don't believe anyone can come out with ignorant and offensive things like this and not be doing it on purpose.

It works for us, has worked for us for many years. Fair enough if you wouldn't want stepparents for your children, but the assumptions you are making are just bizarre.

I think many of these stories are just down to individual experience.
My best friend at school had an abusive step mother, so I often think of that. It is ridiculous, as I know of some great step parents too. It just coloured my opinion.
Having said that some of the step parenting threads do show a total lack of regard for either the child, or ex.
I suppose you just have to ask the child when they turn 18 to see if you were a good parent. Step parent or not!

You've just told us, step parents, that we are all abusive cheats who will end up leaving our partners
No, I've said as a woman, bringing a man into the home, this is what I could face. Women living on their own with children are sitting targets. There is a lot to gain with little effort because a lot of the time those women have been through rubbish experiences and so will accept anything rather than nothing. I have seen that happen in real life.
I have seen people treat their children differently when they couple up.
I have seen a stepdad discipline the step kids and talk to them in a way he'd never speak to his own kid.
I do believe those kids feel uncomfortable at home but their mum is in blissful ignorance because she's in love.
I think loads of women overlook their kids when they're infatuated.
I'm not saying you all do that. I'm just saying it happens. Anyway agree to disagree.