To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

blahblah so youd let your children in a room in which they could easily harm themselves or others, and that's normal?

@Wheresthebeach

Absolutely this!
No one would ever tell a parent struggling they should have considered xyz before having more than one child - however, how dare a step parent have a child with a man who already has other children, don't they know they come first?

@blahblahblah18 - do you feel the same way about mums who do all the facilitating/running around? or just step mums who are lying?
I used to do majority of pick ups for stepson as I was able to with my job and we are a family who work together.

step fathers are generally praised for "taking on" someone elses kids full time and ahhhh only a wonderful man would do that......... step mothers get accused of stepping on toes i have to say this is mostly true for nearly all step mother,......however, not for me i have been praised by DSC family on both sides of his parents family, i am extremely lucky in that sense

I think you'll find that 9/10 times, the issue there is the presumption and failure to apply the common courtesy of checking with their partner ABSOIULTELY!!! when i was first with DP and had moved in together it was assumed i would do child care by both him and his ex, i cancelled plans once or twice unitll i said now hang on we are not married (we are now) yes we live together and i knew you had a child, but if DSC wants to come over and you have plans/work you need to clear with me first i am able to look after them (this was in the first 2 years of our relationship) many times DSC mother would drop them off and i had to say sorry but DP isnt here i have plans/work they cant stay it went down like a shit sandwich at first with both of them but they soon got the hint that i needed to be consulted, since we married and DSC lives with us this is no longer an issue, i applied to the court for parental resposnibility but i still do want plans run by me as would any parent/guardian

@flamingofridays hand on heart if me and dp, ever split up I will never see another man with kids same here its very hard work.

It's a difficult one. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When I think of Johnny Cash and his wife, June Carter, who both had children when they married and then had a child between them and were happily married for many years, his children from his first wife loved her (not taking anything away from their mother), and said she was such a positive force in the family.

My father-in-law's parents divorced, unusual all those years ago, and his mother eventually married an old friend who had two children, he adored her and considered her children to be his brother and sister.

My husband's cousin was divorced and remarried when her eldest of two was about fourteen, he had three who came for weekends and various times. They all got on and it worked.

So one cannot generalise. Money plays a part, yes it does unfortunately; having a home big enough to accommodate everyone for a start, not all can afford that but it helps if you're not falling over eachother.

I know I wouldn't have wanted to enter into that sort of relationship but I'm speaking from a pov of ignorance, still with husband after very many years of marriage so, who knows? I think I would have wanted a boyfriend but not to live with, however we don't know unless we're in that situation. It's a difficult business being on your own with kids.

OhComeOnRon - and ExH can be manipulative, abusive, dangerous, deadbeat etc while First Wives are all long suffering, and if occasionally driven to bad behaviour, its because the SM was the OW, or its all understandable due to the stress she's under.
Drive me mad.

step fathers are generally praised for "taking on" someone elses kids full time and ahhhh only a wonderful man would do that......... step mothers get accused of stepping on toes

by who? You should probably stop saying such stupid things.

If more people put their children before their own needs to be coupled up, it would all be a lot easier. Far too many people jump from one bad relationship to another, dragging kids along behind them. If somehow I got to be single I wouldn't even contemplate another relationship until the last one was grown up.

Corr, why don't you just post the link that you are ranting about. Basically been shot down on there so you thought you would start your own post... Also that was not what the OP was saying!

WhoisyourDaddyandwhatdoesshedo

I’m sorry you have become a self proclaimed doormat to your stepkids. Im not a step parent. My friend is. I see the difficulties but only as an outsider.

Personally I think you are doing both yourself and your stepkids a disservice by not instilling rules in the household. Unfortunately if you don’t teach them to be respectful and grateful now they won’t suddenly learn these behaviours in adulthood.

Children need boundaries and some create havoc when they don’t have any. What these children are actually doing is testing and testing you to get you to put boundaries in place. Children say they don’t like them. But they don’t feel safe without them.

You sound very loving and caring. You should want more for yourself and these children.

Priscilla
I’m also disgusted by the way some parents treat their children. Mainly I read about step parents, who love their kids. Some definitely treat their children and / or stepchildren as second class citizens.

My three children were always expected to knock on the door of any person's own room if that door was shut rather than simply walking into the room; if the door was open then walking in was fine. And if there was no reply, then if it was somebody's own room (bedroom, study) rather than a public room like say the kitchen, the person walking into it had better have a good reason other than just "I wanted to have a nose around my brother's things." Collecting dirty clothes for a wash, maybe, or returning a borrowed cd, would be reasons to go in -- and come straight back out again.

The same applied to everyone in the family: the children, me, dh, grandparents or visiting aunts and uncles who were staying the night...

I never realised that having respect for other people's privacy could be regarded as being not normal.

@Whatwhatt If we didn't have this rule in place my DSC would happily barge in whenever the felt like and would have likely had the unfortunate shock of seeing me changing a few times

EXACTLY! DSC has barged into our room and then proceeded to shout at me "why are you naked?! thats disgusting...." well 1. you're not allowed in here and 2. i am just out of the friggin shower.

its not just MN and that are anti stepmothers and pro step fathers, society is, when we married and shortly after DSC moved to live with us and i applied for parental responisibility school doctors everyone who needed to know was informed yet if i take DSC to doctors i STILL need to bring consent letter off DH and his EX (i know have a copy permanently in my bag with the court papers) stating i have responsibility over DSC and can make decisions regarding health care education etc, as i am trusted to do what is best for the child if any concerns please call his parents on such and such number,

my DH even said years ago, he could never get with someone who had kids from a previous relationship because he "couldnt be arsed with the hassle of having his own views on parenting and then contending with the childs father" , i pointed out my situation and he felt very very stupid and ate a very large piece of humble pie!

The threads I see where the sm has to do everything when the child visits astound me.
It seems like the Fathers just want somebody to care for his dc whilst he carries on as normal. Child has no relationship with Father and child is raised by his mum and sm.
Fathers should care for their own dc and not expect partner to do anything for his child. nice if they offer but shouldn't be expected.

I love the film Stepmom. If anyone hasn't seen it, it stars Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It is a bit Hollywood, but it does touch on the difficulties for both mother and stepmom.

by who? You should probably stop saying such stupid things

lol me saying stupid things? get a bloody grip woman.

It seems like the Fathers just want somebody to care for his dc whilst he carries on as normal. Child has no relationship with Father and child is raised by his mum and sm

Thats exactly what they want, its no mystery. What I don't get is why the women do it? Poor choices.

I have looked after full-time and provided for my two wonderful stepchildren for over ten years (now adults, but still providing for them as they are at uni), no-one has ever accused me of "stepping on anyone's toes". I totally disagree with the sentiment that "you can't win as a stepmother". It is completely individual to the particular family.

I despise it. I’ve never once met a decent ‘step-parent’. My OH’s ‘step-dad’ has threatened him and thrown objects at him on multiple occasions since he was a child. Both my ‘step-dad’ and ‘step-mum’ ruined my relationships with my parents by wanting them all to themselves. Childless people often find it hard to understand that children come first.

blahblah honestly its NOTHING to do with poor choices.

people like YOU make stepmothers feel inferior and stupid, its also instilled into women to just do all the mothering shit. Sometimes, we do it without even realising especially when we have kids of our own.

if a SM has her own child but refuses to do the same things for the step child she would get called out on that too!

Minnie

just because you have never met one doesn't mean they don't exist. Also, not all step parents are childless.

flamingofridays

Can you imagine a thread where a SM was saying 'ive said I'm not doing x y or z for my SC as I'm not their parent'. There would be absolute carnage.

minniebow I'm sorry that's been your experience. But there are wonderful step parents out there. You can't tarnish all with the same brush etc...

If somehow I got to be single I wouldn't even contemplate another relationship until the last one was grown up.

It’s funny how I totally agree with you in this point, but for completely different reasons.

I think it's a really lovely that some step parents are able to treat and love their SC as if they were their own. And you do see them here on MN a lot.

It takes a lot of effort to build that relationship and bond when they are not your biological children. I think it's really wonderful.

Surely it's a lot to do with perspective? For example, my husband's ex is a nightmare which means I certainly 'notice' more threads that may be similar to my situation as it is something I can relate to, to a point. Same will be said about a person having a bad experience with their ex's partner (the step-parent) It doesn't mean that there are a lot more 'bitter ex's' out there than 'evil step-mum's' - it's just what one would notice more.

Having a thread like this, innocently wondering why there are so many awful step-parents out there is just a load of bollocks. It's unhelpful and leaves the door open for a particular group of people to be verbally 'got at'. Let's face it, step-parents good or bad generally get lumped together and not in a pleasant way.

It's sad that a parent would choose to marry someone who would be apathetic towards their kids, but that's life, innit.

A lot of people don't seem to cope very well with single parenthood, and they re-couple thoughtlessly.

I’ve never once met a decent ‘step-parent’.

You've probably met loads. You just assumed they were the parents because in your mind all step-parents are out to hurt their step-children.

There are plenty of women in "together" relationships who do a disproportionate amount of housework and/or child related stuff too. Society officially frowns upon it yet simultaneously judges women who fall short of this expectation. The woman of the household is nearly always expected to take on the mental load for the family whether they're biologically related to all its members or not, which is why it's not fair to compare the experience of step mums with step dads - you very rarely see step dads getting roped into doing the majority of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, laundry for their DSCs in the way that step mums seem to end up doing. If we refuse then we're accused of not treating our DSCs as family!