To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

It was mentioned very quickly in one of the OPs first posts Faery, IIRC, as part of justifying why she thought the mum/EXW was a total waste of space. That whole thread tipped for me whenbthe OP was outraged at the suggestion that it was reasonable for them to have a spare bedroom for the stepchild. If she’d just said “ I’d love to but we can’t afford it” I wouldn’t have reassessed the previous stuff in a new light. But then I realised what the drip feed was adding up to and I started taking quite s lot of what the OP said with a massive pinch of salt. Like did the DSD (10) really say she’d stab the baby (and mean it seriously)?

I think it also should be pointed out that its a lot different for step mothers than for step fathers.

step fathers are generally praised for "taking on" someone elses kids full time and ahhhh only a wonderful man would do that

step mothers get accused of stepping on toes, taking over and if they remain as a "friendly adult" rather than taking any kind of parental responsibility they are called cold heated bitches and instructed to leave immediately.

there is no winning as a step mother.

@Whatwhatt same here. The reactions are different if you say it's your stepchild rather than your own. I've posted under another username about my SD but said she was my own daughter and the thread went well.

having to look after the step child once in a blue moon,

I think you'll find that 9/10 times, the issue there is the presumption and failure to apply the common courtesy of checking with their partner.

the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house

I can take a guess which thread you're referring to there, what I don't understand is why you're making an issue out of a stepmother who is concerned about what may be inappropriate (reasonable concern!). I'm not a stepmother (I'm an adoptive parent), there are rooms my dc don't go into without specific permission/invitation. Those rules are not there because my dc are 'unwelcome' in any way, they are there because of safety (DH's study and my workroom) or privacy (my study, dh's study and our bedroom). The only time the dc con come into our room without waiting is in an emergency - if their ill or injured.

As for 'you knew what you were getting into', that's ridiculous. I can't always predict what I'll be dealing with (especially with my DD at the moment) from one day to the next, dc are inherently unpredictable and so is life!

This is a forum, people ask questions and it's easy to put the worst spin on those questions. Sometimes people just need a sounding board to get things clear and untangled in their heads.

do you know what i had a vile stepmother, she is still married to my dad and i dont see my dad because of this. the years of mental abuse still affect me to this day?

I am now too a stepmum and this is what i have learnt since we have them every weekend;

they treat our house like a hotel.
i never get a please or thank you.
i clean up after them
i often cook lunch, dinner etc before they tell me they are staying at mates instead or dont bother coming down for their dinner at all because they cant tear away from their computer game?

but can i say thing to them? ask them to clean up? ask them to come down to dinner after i have spent time cooking them a decent meal?

nope, because i do, i will fall into the wicked step-mother bracket, i'm petrified they will resent me. I have to bite my tongue at times and leave it to DP to deal with.

I hand on heart love my step-kids but it is very difficult at times and i go out of my to make sure they never feel how my step-mother made me feel.

@happy

Thanks. Abuse against whom though? Do you mean the bit where she said the exw “verbally abused” the dp? Sorry, I’m clearly being dense.

Yeah, the bedroom thing definitely needs to be sorted. I hope the op takes that advice on board.

She got an absolute hammering though and she wasn’t even technically the OW, was she? She got together with a man who was separated and who had left the family home, but they were thinking of reconciliation.

That’s how I read it anyway.

This is another reason I would never get together with a man coming out of a relationship or with youngish children. You might accidentally become the OW, even if the man you’re dating looks to be free and single.

I’d run a mile from anyone in this situation.

these views of some step parents are terrible, I am a step parent I live for my stepchild I love them as my own, the only view I agree on is the certain rooms in the house ie our bedroom however by that i mean not allowed in there unattended, and DH fully agrees, (they are nosy goes rooting through our things, is destructive, will break something because its of no use to them or "rubbish" and damn messy), that is our private space, if DSC was biologically mine they would not be allowed in their unattended either, they have no reason to be in our bedroom without one of us present with them, t ESPECIALLY THIS TIME OF YEAR when presents start arriving! it was a rule for me as a child and DH also. i will add DSC lives full time with us and sees their mother every other weekend.

i think it is absurd some people behave the way they do towards step children, mine is extremely hard work he has a few issues that make them very very challenging but i wouldn't be without them.

why some complain about their DP paying maintenance is beyond me, if they have children with DP and break up in the future they will expect the same level of financial commitment to their own DC.

hand on heart if me and dp ever split up I will never see another man with kids (unless they are v much adults) because it is NOT worth it

the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house

My DP doesn't allow his children into our bedroom (unless of course it's an emergency). I was never allowed into my parents room whenever I fancied it. It's okay for parents (or step parents) to have the privacy of their own bedroom!

I think the complaining about maintenance is a bit of a red herring unless you can provide context.

SM complaining about a father paying maintenance FULL STOP - of course unreasonable.

SM complaining about a father paying 3x as much maintenance as cms state and everything else on top and then ex asking for more whilst sm and father are on their arse - perfectly reasonable

there are rooms my dc don't go into without specific permission/invitation. Those rules are not there because my dc are 'unwelcome' in any way, they are there because of safety (DH's study and my workroom) or privacy (my study, dh's study and our bedroom). The only time the dc con come into our room without waiting is in an emergency - if their ill or injured

Thats a whole lot of rooms your children aren't allowed to enter in their own homes. It's sad.

• the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house

My DP doesn't allow his children into our bedroom (unless of course it's an emergency). I was never allowed into my parents room whenever I fancied it. It's okay for parents (or step parents) to have the privacy of their own bedroom!*

OP has twisted this. It wasn't about the child not being allowed in the room. It was about asking her stepson to knock before he walked into their bedroom because she sleeps naked and felt uncomfortable as he's getting older he shouldn't maybe see her in the buff.

blahblah why would any child need to go in a study or in their parents bedroom (unless in an emergency) - what do you think they need to be in there for? what would they get out of that?

its not "sad" either. Its called rules. its very normal.

There is often a feeling of 'if I do this will I be seen as trying to step on someone's toes, but then again if I don't do it will I be accused of not caring?'

This - thank you @WhatWhatt. I am a “stepmother” (in inverted commas because I’m not married to my partner) and this is the hardest part. My partner’s son is a lovely boy and I would willingly do whatever I could to make sure he feels happy and well cared for but equally I don’t want to tread on his mother’s toes by getting over involved. As a step parent you are constantly walking that line between the two whilst never being entirely sure where the line actually is.

Luckily both my partner and his son’s mother are very reasonable, sensible people and are excellent parents so it’s been much easier for me than it might otherwise have been. I don’t think it’s fair to say you know what you’re getting into though: every family and every situation is different and you don’t really know how it’s going to work until you try.

It's really not very normal to have half a house the residents of that house aren't allowed into. It's far from normal.

blahblah ok so why exactly do children need to be in any of those rooms mentioned?

Christ when I was a kid most of my family has "the good room" that we only went in when people came round and im not even that frigging old!

I'm shocked at the amount of threads where the DCs relationship with both parents is entirely facilitated by the stepmother doing all the running around. I see a lot of threads like this - but not so many of the ones you're talking about

^^This.

blahblah ok so why exactly do children need to be in any of those rooms mentioned

Thats the wrong way to come at it. Why exactly do they not? I would not dream of telling my children "here's 5 rooms of the house you stay the fuck out of". It's beyond weird. They aren't pets, they are humans and its their home.

People are so fucking weird.

@HappyGoodHairBear

Antigon There was one in AIBU last night about a stepchild staying over. Turned out OP was the OW, thought it totally reasonable that there was no room for the stepchild to stay in, that it was fine her DP hadn’t been in regular contact with the child since the parent’s split and totally

Ah I do remember that one. From what I saw most people were sympathetic to the OP?

And I think people were saying that the girl's father needs to build up a relationship with his DD so that she does not feel violent towards him or OP/baby.

And I think OP said she met him after they separated but there was a chance they could have reconciled had OP not appeared on the scene. I don't think that's OP's fault, from her perspective she got together with a separated man.

But yes, my overall feeling was that this little girl had been messed around by the adults in her life.

I'm shocked at the amount of threads where the DCs relationship with both parents is entirely facilitated by the stepmother doing all the running around. I see a lot of threads like this

You see lots of threads where the stepmother claims to be the only one doing anything, its self serving and self aggrandising and I reckon rarely true. Very narc behaviour, sees herself as the angel swooping in to do everything.
And even if it was, her choice to marry/live with the wanker who doesn't do the parenting, isn't it?

Thats a whole lot of rooms your children aren't allowed to enter in their own homes. It's sad.

It's 4 rooms in a big house and they're not banned, they need permission. My workroom has tools and kit that could cause serious injury, dh's study likewise - as parents we have a duty to keep our dc as safe as reasonably possible.

Our studies are rooms the dc generally have no need to be in, likewise our bedroom. They are always free to knock if the door is closed and they need us, we knock on their bedroom doors and wait...it's basic respect.

What a fucking goady post

Why focus on 'step-parents' particularly. There are a lot of shit parents out there.

blahblah I don't go in DSS room without his permission and never if hes not there.. why would I?

is that fucking weird too or is it basic respect?

it works both ways.

I wouldn't let my child in a study that they had no reason to be in, they could cause chaos ffs.

I think she said the ex had made false accusations of abuse against her DP Faery as part of the talk about child being poisoned by ex.

I thought she got a pretty fair hearing at the beginning, lots of people saying the problem was the ex turning the child against the father. Then responses became tougher as more details dripped out.

Then when she said it was ridiculous to think of having a room for the stepchild, even people who had been very supportive tapped out. I posted and hid the thread soon after that, so she might have gotten a hammering afterwards.

Maybe she wasn’t technically the OW, maybe that’s splitting it a bit fine for a 10 year old’s understanding, maybe the DP fudged some of his dates, maybe the OP did, maybe the Ex exaggerated to the child. I don’t know. All pretty plausible. All not the child’s fault and all likely to get the OP off to a bad start with the child, without the child being unreasonable in any way.

But definitely a murky position that wouldn’t exactly be starting on the best foot with the child.

And yes, for exactly that reason, don’t get involved with a guy who’s recently split up with someone.

A friend of mine started seeing a guy who had previously still be sleeping with/over at his ex-wife’s (well separated but not yet divorced from) house. In the full knowledge of the kids- Daddy stayed the night in Mummy’s room and he’s here for breakfast and to take you to school kind of thing.

She thought that was no issue “because to him it’s just an easy leg-over, it’s not an emotional thing”. But maybe it was an emotional thing to the ex-wife or his two little girls? Maybe the little girls thought that Mum and Dad were back together?

The kids gave her a pretty fair go as a new partner to be honest. They stayed over at his a couple of times a week and when she was there they were pretty nice to her/well behaved from what I saw and heard.

Then she started staying things like “Why can’t he just leave them behind and have more kids with me? They’re just getting in the way, I wish he didn’t have to see them anymore.” She list quite a few friends over that (including me). And to be fair to him, even though he was a total man whore sexually, he wouldn’t hear anything about not seeing his daughters and broke it off with her over it.