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Original poster

To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

363 replies

PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 11:35

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 20/11/2018 14:32

I’ve never once met a decent ‘step-parent’.

Well I meanif you have never met one there can't be any hey. Hmm

Childless people often find it hard to understand that children come first.

People who make sweeping statements often make themselves look silly.

OhComeOnRon · 20/11/2018 14:35

I’ve never once met a decent ‘step-parent’

Oh give over - I don't personally know a lot of other step parents, and people I have met when out with or without kids wouldn't know whether I was a step parent or not.

strawberryalarmclock · 20/11/2018 14:40

I never once met a decent step parent
Hilarious! I must let dh know he's meant to have been wearing a badge all these years, to let 'lovely' folk like you know that he's a step parent....

He's a brilliant, brilliant dad and if you saw him you'd have absolutely no idea he wasn't my dcs father.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/11/2018 14:47

I think there are a lot of amazing step parents out there. Unfortunately, my ex seeks out the other kind.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 20/11/2018 14:50

I’ve never once met a decent ‘step-parent’.

I have no truck with this sort of bullshit. I've never met Hitler, doesn't mean he didn't exist.

DH and I met when DS13 was young. He's been an incredible Step Parent to DS, loved him, nurtured him and been a wonderful addition to his life. He's had tough times where he's found parenting hard, just as I have, and he's had to learn to be a Dad, none of which is easy. But he gives his all to the DC every day.

Likewise, Ex has remarried and DS13's Step Mum is incredible. I genuinely love the fact that DS has a proper family when he's away from home, that he's included and cherished and loved by both sets of parents. There's no stepping on toes - I'm not put out by the fact that his step mother loves him or that he loves her, nor am I miffed when he buys her a Mothers Day card - DS loving someone else doesn't detract from the bond I have with him.

Chocolaterainbows · 20/11/2018 15:02

14:50 Idontbelieveinthemoon

What a genuinely lovely post SmileFlowers

theDudesmummy · 20/11/2018 15:05

Never met a decent stepparent? What a stupid thing to say! Do you always know if someone is a stepparent?

FWIW I am a way more than "decent" step parent, and there are millions of us. I am not perfect as either a parent or step parent but I am of exactly the same quality in both roles ie as good as I can be.

fieryginger · 20/11/2018 15:07

My dad was such a great step dad that it's taken this thread for me to realise he was one (he's passed away). I knew my sister had a different father - who she didn't see, but he treated us all exactly the same. No difference at all. My sister was his and that's how we lived.

So I know we're talking about stepmum's but it's taken me 50 years to JUST realise he was a stepparent. He was just my sister's dad, same as mine. Kudos to all the brilliant stepparents out there.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 20/11/2018 15:12

"I'm not put out by the fact that his step mother loves him or that he loves her, nor am I miffed when he buys her a Mothers Day card - DS loving someone else doesn't detract from the bond I have with him."

Heartwarming post Idontbelieveinthemoon!

It's also a perfect example of how you can do everything "right" as a step parent yet still have no control over your relationship with your DSCs - if a parent (male or female) isn't as perceptive and emotionally secure as Idontbelieveinthemoon and starts feeling threatened by a loving stepparent then you and your DSC can end up as collateral damage in a war of pettiness and jealousy and pressure to take sides.

Mrskeats · 20/11/2018 15:15

I've never met a decent step-parent
I suggest you try to keep better company then

glowfrog · 20/11/2018 15:31

@minniebow I'm sorry about your terrible experiences with your step-parents but as I said in an earlier
Post, your beef should be with your parents, who failed to put you first...

moolady1977 · 20/11/2018 15:39

I had/have fantastic stepdads, my first stepdad passed away he was in my life for 20 years and was the first person I ran to coming out of school, my 2nd stepdad is just as fantastic and again would do anything for me whereas I have a stepmum who has done her best and succeded to drive a wedge between me and my fathers side of the family including younger brother and sisters. I live with my partner and treat my stepdaughters the same way I treat my children including shopping trips out and how they want their bedrooms decorating

helacells · 20/11/2018 15:53

The whole step/blended family nonsense is a load of bollocks. I've never seen it work. Sure, date if you must but keep your kids out of it.

theDudesmummy · 20/11/2018 15:56

Helacells what???? Your post does not make any sense. We are not talking about dating. I have been married to DH for 13 years and my stepdaughters have been living with us for over ten years (well, they are at university now, but we are still a family), we are a happy family and yes, it "works".

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 15:59

helacells it works for plenty of families....

most of these people are not "dating" theyre in long well established relationships, or married.

SillySallySingsSongs · 20/11/2018 15:59

The whole step/blended family nonsense is a load of bollocks. I've never seen it work. Sure, date if you must but keep your kids out of it.

So you know all step families in the world. Wow. That's some power you have.

There really are some small minded people on this thread.

Jjbay · 20/11/2018 16:03

**It’s funny how I totally agree with you in this point, but for completely different reasons.
This 100%

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 16:06

helacells okay dear.

theDudesmummy · 20/11/2018 16:09

So by your logic helacells, anyone who has children and whose relationship/marriage has broken down (or they have been widowed) shoud never even date ever again, never mind have a relatioinship/remarry? Nice.

Whatwhatt · 20/11/2018 16:13

I have a step father. He's been married to my mum for years. He's a really wonderful man and has been in my life since I was around 16.

I experienced my parents being together all the way into my teens and it was toxic. I can wholeheartedly say that my family 'works' a hell of a lot better with them separated and my step father in it. I'm happier, my parents are happier and I've had another adult role model in my life who's loved me and pushed me to be the best I can.

Your are walking around blindfolded if you really can't see or believe that there are wonderful, happy and working blended familes out there. Sometimes it's better for the children than their parents staying together ever would have been. It certainly was for me.

It takes work but it's not impossible.

LuvSmallDogs · 20/11/2018 16:19

There are some lovely step parents out there, but there are also some horrors.

DMIL and DSFIL keep finding excuses not to go to DSIL’s for Xmas as they hate seeing the inequality between their GC and SGC’s presents - and yes, DSIL’s bloke should be doing some of the Xmas shopping/putting his foot down.

But this is a pattern I’ve seen several times IRL - blended family, mum/stepmum left to do all shopping/running round etc, and she priortises her own DC while the dad turns a blind eye as he can’t be arsed to rock the boat/pull his own finger out. Pathetic.

Original poster
PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 16:35

Sorry I went MIA. Just to confirm I do NOT mean every step parent at all. I am simply referring to a number of posts over the past few months that seem to be step parents moaning about the inconvenience of having step children, almost as they they weren't aware that their partner having children means that they would have to compromise once in a while.

Like I said, not a generalisation at all. My partner has a lovely DS and I have an amazing Step mom so I know that not everybody falls under the same umbrella.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 20/11/2018 16:43

Backpeddling 101

RemoteRamona · 20/11/2018 16:56

I'm shocked at the amount of threads where the DCs relationship with both parents is entirely facilitated by the stepmother doing all the running around.

This. I am in this situation. I've posted about it a couple of times and it took for me to post on here to realise what a mug I have been. MN folks all really lovely and supportive.

Not seen many posts similar to what you're referring to though? Nothing that I would consider abnormal anyway. Being a step parent is hard. I'm finding being a mum much easier than being a step mum. Just as rewarding though.

minniebow · 20/11/2018 17:01

Sorry that's just my perspective. Everyone I have ever met that has step parents has had issues in their relationship with them and quite a few were abused by them. I have never met anyone who speaks highly of their step parent and sees them as a parent. I love the sweeping judgements on this site. I said I, so me personally, have never met a good step parent. I never said they don't exist. No one I know is a step parent, I have only ever met the 'children' of step parents. I partially agree with a PP who said blended families don't work. Of course some do and yes parents are entitled to relationships but not when it can put a child in danger or affect the family dynamic/emotional health of the child. I think a child that is aware of what is happening, so maybe 3+, should have a say in who is living in their home and who is essentially taking the place of one of their parents. If that was so then a lot of children would have been saved from years of horrific abuse and emotional trauma. I got forced out of my home at the age of 16 and lost my bedroom there because of my 'step-dad'. It was my home that he had moved into and had been living there for 7 months. He had been abusive to me so it was almost a godsend in a way. My Mother has been engaged 10 times and in countless relationships so I have been exposed to a lot of toxic men since the age of 4, 80% of which abused me. She went through at least 3 men a year. She's a disgrace and my situation is a prime example of why children should have a say in who their parents have living in their home. I am now fixing the almost irreparable damage that she and her partners caused. I'll add, so not to be biased, that a lot of biological parents can be incredibly selfish and neglectful it's not just step-parents. It's not a personal attack, it's from my own experiences.