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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

550 replies

DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 18:58

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2018 19:00

I think it's one of those you aren't wrong for how you feel but might be for how you act. Honestly I think I would be sad if my DD moved to Australia but wouldn't try to stop her

Ohyesiam · 14/11/2018 19:01

I would be utterly gutted , and put on my best smile, hug them and wish them well.
We need to step back from our kids, hard as that may be.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 14/11/2018 19:03

Very sad. I would do my upmost to be happy for them face-to-face but in private I would be sad.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 19:03

Snuggy I think I'm just struggling with it because he already lives 'far' from his parents. (I know it's not actually very far, but in terms of the effort he and his parents put in it might as well be so what difference does it make?) I just really wasn't expecting this reaction and I've surprised myself by being bothered by it.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/11/2018 19:03

It’s a hell of a
Long way away
She is not BU to be honest about this

Let her be . My close family member is moving and I have come to terms with it . But I’ll never see them will I ? It’s hard for her so go easy and let her process it

Theperfectchangeling · 14/11/2018 19:05

I would honestly be bereft, and I would do my very best to hide it from them, but if I am being completely honest with myself, I am not sure I could bury it that well as I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Call me selfish, but I like having my kids on the same side of the planet as me... Sorry Op, not helpful I know, but I dread this ever happening!

SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2018 19:06

Obviously we can only speculate but it's a lot further, it would take a lot longer to get to the other in an emergency. It's also a massive time zone difference. I was on holiday in the West Coast of the US and it struck me how hard I would find it not to live in such a different time zone from my family.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 19:07

clearly it's not unreasonable for her to be bummed out (although I can't quite understand what she thinks will change...), but I think it is a bit unreasonable to be so honest about it rather than just say "wonderful, how exciting, congratulations, promise me you'll visit often". That's what I would do...I think. But I'm not a mum so hoping for input from you lot!

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/11/2018 19:08

I’d be gutted. I hope I wouldn’t show it though.

Theknacktoflying · 14/11/2018 19:08

It is a really difficult one ... I think Oz is just so far away (irt the Netherlands).

I don’t think there is anything you can do or say to make it easy .... things are easier now with whatttsapp, facetime

Winifredgoose · 14/11/2018 19:10

I would be so gutted if one if my children moved to the other side of the world. If I knew it was temporary (2 years), I think it would be ok, but as a permanent move I'd imagine it would feel similar to bereavement.
I would try and be happy for for them obviously. But it would be hard. Be kind to your mil.

LostInShoebiz · 14/11/2018 19:11

It took my family a long time to adjust to me moving about 1000 miles. I can’t imagine how they’d have been or how I’d be now if it was a case of the other side of the world. It’s not a quick pop over on the Eurostar or a short flight, it’s a day of travel and one back costing thousands with an increasing impact on health as they get older. Unless you’ve got a super high paying job with loads of leave and you’ll be back twice a year I don’t blame them for not being delighted.

Racecardriver · 14/11/2018 19:11

But he’s already living in a different country and doesn’t seem them much anyway. What is the issue. Even if I’ve of them has health problem he could be back at like a days notice.

LunaLovegoodsRadishes · 14/11/2018 19:12

I'd be devastated but this is a great opportunity, and I wouldn't try and stop my child from going. I'd try not to sound devastated either, but give my child encouragement and my support.

Alfie190 · 14/11/2018 19:12

I lived in Australia for a while, my parents had already passed away though. But I know that it is a sad time for any parent for their child to move to the other side of the world. You cannot expect them to be happy about it, the best you can hope for is that they don't make you feel guilty.

She may not see your DH that often now, but perhaps in her eyes she knows she can fairly easily if she wants to, a trip to Australia is not so easy. I would just about bet my house you will not be back to the UK every nine months either. Australian holiday entitlements are not generous and I believe you will quickly find that this is not how you want to spend the majority of your annual leave.

Hopefully, she will get used to the idea and come to terms with it.

RandomMess · 14/11/2018 19:13

I'd be gutted, I would do my very best to be understanding about it but the thought having grandchildren I may never cuddle, no days out, no Christmas celebrations together. It's sad!

loopylass13 · 14/11/2018 19:13

My child - if I can't talk her out of it, then i'd be figuring how to follow her lol. I don't want oceans between us x

speakout · 14/11/2018 19:15

I would be devastated.

But I would put on a brave face.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 14/11/2018 19:16

Thank you all for your responses. I was expecting a mixture of answers (i.e. more people to say they'd miss them but be fine with it) which proves I definitely need some outside perspective on it.

Re. the posters upthread about costs of visiting and frequency of visits: DH is self-employed and can work anywhere in the world really, and my firm will allow me to hot-desk from London (e.g. if we came to Europe for two weeks I can holiday one and work in London one, thus only using 5/6 days of annual leave).

We are also financially very comfortable so if there were any emergencies we fortunately would be in a position to fly home quickly. Obviously hoping that never happens.

OP posts:
Undercoverbanana · 14/11/2018 19:17

I’d be really proud that they were making a life for themselves.

I have adult DCs and one lives in Belgium and the other 300 miles away. They are enjoying their lives and thriving. I am delighted. Of course, Australia is a lot further away, but I’d still be proud of their “get up and go” ambition. Britain is not really offering much to the younger generations anymore.

ZenNudist · 14/11/2018 19:17

Id be so disappointed. I think it would blight my life. I'd be sad if he moved country like he has already. Thing is its a short flight uk to nl. You could get there quicker than if you lived a few hours apart within your own country.

All your life you hope to have children and grandchildren around you as you get older. To see that dream die would be hard.

My dm has expressed enthusiasm for me getting to travel but in my heart i cant do it to her. I had good relationships with my dgms and not letting my dc have that would be bad for me.

OhioOhioOhio · 14/11/2018 19:17

Yip. Gutted. Less so if I had the money to regularly visit and was fit enough to do so.

MRex · 14/11/2018 19:18

How is their health, can you arrange some trips for them now to show her that she'll get to see you?

My baby is tiny, so I don't know how to relate. I suspect I'd feel bereft and try to follow him, or at least visit a lot. I know our parents would struggle with us going that far away, they each struggle emotionally when with splitting Christmases. I suspect they nought still hope you will decide one day to have children as well, even if the hope is small. Be kind to her, it's a long way away and she's just sad, I suspect most mothers would be. Is it bothering you because you feel guilty for upsetting her?
You absolutely must follow your dreams, but there is always a downside, and hopefully this is the only one for you.

Joinourclub · 14/11/2018 19:19

I’d be devastated! Of course we want to be near to those we love. I think it’s ok for her to be honest about how she feels, as long as she isn’t begging you to stay. It may may things harder for you, but when you move tens of thousands of miles away there are going to be emotional consequences!

3timeslucky · 14/11/2018 19:19

One of the very very rare times I saw my mum cry was when my sister (at 25ish) announced she was moving to Australia. It is a long way and it is an expensive journey. You'd be lucky to get back in 24 hours if there was an emergency, you can't chat without planning it around time zones and it just feels very very far. I think it is normal for a parent to be sad at the prospect of their child moving that far. But if it was me I'd be congratulating you, feeling sad and planning a holiday.

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