WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

Oh and the time difference is shit too for Skyping depending on where in Australia they are, there’s a very short timescale when we are both awake and able to do it.
Tbh I feel very resentful towards them leaving us with the stress of dealing with elderly parents in this country.

I would be devastated and to be honest blame the dil because my ds wouldn't be going otherwise. I'd not say anything but I'd secretly hate her. Sorry.

I have 2 DDs currently living in USA. They are about your age and my DH & I are about the same age as your PILs. One of them is in California and because she is a computer scientist I think she is likely to stay permanently and make a career there (because Silicon Valley will offer fantastic opportunities) whilst the one at Harvard is more likely to return in a couple of years. We have always been very happy for them to take these opportunities because it is what we did ourselves - my DH & I have both worked overseas (he is from Singapore) so to us it is part of the process of growing up and spreading your wings. I'm afraid I don't understand people who say they are devastated - you raise your children to make their own independent lives and how can they do that if they feel geographically constrained?

I would be devastated. I would do my best to put on a happy face, but I’m not that good of an actress.

It doesn't sound like you DH contacts them a lot already and you mention you can't see how it will change their relationship.
Maybe that's a sadness for them already and this move just reinforces that 'distance' in the relationship.
I have two sons and the idea of them moving aways scares me shitless.
I will do my absolute best to be hugely supportive and smile broadly at their plans, but I would be absolutely broken inside.
The son/daughter point up thread is spot on.

I'd feel devastated. I hope to goodness good friends would remind me not to show that and to be warm and supportive. But I would be very sad.

I think Dutch people speak their minds and that may be part of it. I don’t blame her being upset. My Mum left her parent, family etc in Holland and moved here and my sister has lived in the Far East for many years and of course it changes relationships. I may face this myself as DD1 may go to the US with her partner.
I think you need to be sympathetic to the Mum.

I would be gutted as I did similar to my parents . I moved from my home in Canada and now have lived in UK since '83 and brought my children up without being near my family and I do regret that..I try not to think about it.
But you're not planning kids so not relevant .

I would try to hide my feelings if my kids want dot go to Oz..but inwardly I would be gutted.

I think if you were only going for 2 years or maybe even 5 years then it might not be so difficult to accept. But they're probably assuming you're going to love it out there and not come back, and perhaps in a few years time you'll decide to start a family, children who will barely know their grandparents. And even if you do come back regularly you'll want to spend time with all your friends too, so in reality you'll have limited time to spend with them.

I know you need to do what makes you happy and take opportunities that are there for you, but I have a couple of friends and their spouses who moved to Australia and have now decided to stay long term, and even on trips home they hardly have any time with their parents as they end up having a jam packed schedule. And their parents are now getting too old to make the trip out to visit them.

Another mum saying that I'd be sad if that happened. My son spent 6 months in Australia but we kept in touch a lot. I never said anything negative but oh I was so happy when he decided to come home. He missed us as much as we missed him.

My brother moved in 2006. We didn’t say anything to him at the time but we were all devastated. My parents seemed to go through a period of mourning after they left. We were a close family, we saw each other weekly, socialised together and him and my dad were particularly close. My dad was sad for around 3 years after he left and would tear up if anyone asked about him.

You think you’ll keep in touch but you don’t. The time difference makes it difficult, the less you talk the less you have to say. My parents looked after my brothers kids for 6 years but the kids got fed up speaking to grandparents they didn’t know.

The flight isn’t a big deal really but it becomes difficult to fit into every day life once you have kids and things. Most trips are 2+ weeks minimum.

That's lovely @Storm4Star - what's he going to be doing?
And I agree. It's all about managing communications.

I remember my mum talking about this when we were younger - about how she'd feel if we emigrated. She said she'd be gutted because you know that if someone settles in Australia you are realistically looking at seeing them once a year if you're lucky. Then you start to think about that in terms of years you might have left: so if you're 60 and say live to be 80 you're talking about only seeing your child 20 more times in your life. It's the distance that makes you think about things being so finite. If someone's just a few hundred miles away you know that you COULD see them if you wanted - even if you don't. It doesn't make sense really but then love isn't rational. Anyway, after THAT convo, none of us emigrated. Cheers mum!

I'd say just be kind to your MIL. The fact that she can't hide her feelings is probably just who she is (heart on sleeve a bit maybe) and a good thing in other ways.

Just to give the other side of the coin.

You cant live your life thinking "what if".
I have a relative in oz. Been there 25 years. She just had her 80yr old mum out for a few months stay again. Just because you are getting older doesnt mean you are automatically going to have a life threatening illness once you are over 60.

My relatives talk on viber at least once a week. She sees all the great grand kids via that too.

I would be sad but i have told my kids they need to go out and do whatever they want in the world (unlike me😀)

I would do my best to be upbeat and supportive- but I would be heartbroken.

To be honest, I would also be upset and probably think similar thoughts.

This is one of my fears. I’m afraid I would be devastated. I would actually love it if one of my sons moved to Europe - it’s only a short hop away, and it’s nice to have a reason for a short break - but Australia is so very very very far away. I would be afraid they wouldn’t come back.

It sounds like you’re expecting her to put on a very British stiff upper lip and hide her true feelings. I have Dutch family and to make a huge sweeping generalisation I find that they tend to be much more direct and blunt than the British side of the family.

I would be heartbroken. utterly heartbroken. Totally hypocritical of me as both DH and I have pulled this stunt on our own parents but honestly, I probably cry once a term thinking about my kids doing this to me and they're still primary age.

My daughter moved to New Zealand 3 years ago. It has been very hard. I think whilst life is very full and exciting for the person who has left, the family who are left behind feel that void. Skype and facetime are fine but it is a very artificial conversation. It is not quite the same as a chat over a cup of coffee. Christmas, birthdays etc are very hard. Don't be hard on your Mil it is very hard to put a happy face on when your heart might be breaking

She may be thinking that with time differences and new life building the little contact they have already will dwindle even more.

Also although you say you'll come back often that often dwindles when people emigrate in my experience.

And if anything happens to them, or to your DH, then you are talking probably two days minimum before they can get to the other. And that's assuming that they or you can afford last minute flights. That could be a big worry - I'd hate it if I couldn't get to my child if they were hurt, even if that child was an adult.

Your MIL is Dutch. My MIL is Dutch. The Dutch do not hide their feelings or speak with tact to preserve your feelings. They are direct, honest people.

If we announced we were moving to the other side of the world, my MIL would not pretend to be happy for our sakes. There would be no diplomacy.

As for the grandchildren thing, she probably doesn’t believe you. She probably harbours a secret hope that one day you will have babies, and if you are in Australia she will have no chance of a relationship with them.

Also, your comment about them not being proud of how well you’ve done. It’s not the Dutch way to shout about financial success; they dislike showing off and anything flash. They are just not effusive about things - except cheese. They are very enthusiastic about cheese.

I think you need to be kind here.

The inconvenience of making calls when there is big time difference is massive pain
Also austrailia IS I long way, sitting on a plane for 12 hours when you know your parent is critical in hospital is very different to bring a few hours away
They should have been happy for you but as a parent it's one of my worst fears if I'm honest

Your MIL probably thinks your family will take priority when you return. Will you stay near your family and friends in the U.K. and expect your PIL to visit you? Or will you visit them in the Netherlands and spend time with them alone every 9 months?

^Everything that @VenusClapTrap said. You must have encountered Dutch bluntness before.