WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I don’t think you need to get why - just understand that she has and it’s perfectly fine.

Once you’re away and there’s effectively no difference to her day to day life, at least in the short to medium term, I’m sure she’ll settle down.

I’m in Australia at the moment.

My parents emigrated here leaving their family behind when I was a teenager. Their parents dealt with it and this was in the days where phone calls or letters were the only way of communication. Both sets of my grandparents came out to visit multiple times, as well as my mums sister (who eventually followed us out to live in Australia). When my grandad died, we sponsored my gran and she too now lives in Australia.

Fast forward 20 years, I met a guy from the UK who was on a temporary work contract in Australia. I made the decision to return to the UK with him and my parents weren’t happy about it, but accepted it in the end. They visited me, I visited them we kept in touch on Skype and messaged daily on messenger.

A few years later, I moved back to Australia with my husband. His mum was nothing but supportive even though she misses us terribly and there are grandchildren involved. She’d love us to come back to the Uk but knows we have to follow our dreams and we are better off in Australia.

So I’ve seen all sides of this, and your husbands parents are being unreasonable to piss on your parade! At the end of the day, it’s only a day away if you need to get home quickly. Travel is way better these days and technology is even better. Book them a ticket to visit as soon as you can and let them see for themselves it’s only Australia, not Mars!!

Good luck with it all!

Gosh - I haven’t read the whole thread but doesn’t seem like you’re willing just to accept that she’s sad - why not? It doesn’t need to be ‘explained’ by whatever factor or theory, she’s just sad, and understandably so. It’s not going to change your plans, and you obviously feel confident and positive about your decision, so from your position of strength/happiness why cant you just accept her feelings and reach out to her and let her know you understand? Insisting that everyone show that they’re delighted about the job/status/material side of ‘success’ in your life is understandable but limited, and maybe just the stage you’re at, but relationships with family and friends always end up being more important, wherever in the world you end up. I reckon simply acknowledging MiL’s feelings rather than trying/wishing to banish them away is just as important as promises about visits and phone calls, you might even find it enables her to better contain/hide her feelings from you if she knows you understand and care.

This has all been covered upthread Lulu

So why does your last post suggest you haven’t moved on from your first?

I genuinely feel no one has the right to tell a mother how to feel. Or to judge her for it. Or scrutinize her for it. So long as she isn’t disrespecting or being unkind.

No one has the right to expect anything from mil, cheerleading, putting on a fake smile, being positive or negative, or paying for tickets, or looking after kids... unless it is a family agreements where it’s a give and take. Her son isn’t a child, so she doesn’t owe him to put him ahead of her own needs and dismiss hers. Including smiling at his wife’s face when she is grieving.

Her age or the age of her DC doesn’t matter. She doesn’t owe anyone anything but respect and kindness..

No wonder us women hate to grow older, because as we do, we seem to be respected less.

Not for our beauty. The beauty is just the symbol that can change with perception. What happens is we lose respect for being able to express our feelings without being judged. All those dignified rights that feminism tries to achieve, seems to target women in their workspace and with small DC. But not much spanning her whole life.

While men, gain value. Their opinions are wisdom. Their feelings are experience. Because of their greys.

We do it to ourselves really.

Just because a mother has managed to succeed in nurturing her DC for 18 years, doesn’t mean she gets slapped in the face at the end of it by being treated as if her relationship with her child is now the property of another woman.

That relationship is hers and his. And it’s bloody seperate to yours. So long as she isn’t jumping onto yours, spare her hers and don’t try to manage her.

I’m her space, as a mother, she is more important than you are. In your space, as a wife, you are more important than her.

I’m afraid this is her space.

The healthy thing to do is to speak to her with respect and kindness. And if you don’t have the empathy required, redirect her to discuss her issues directly with her son. And make sure you aren’t creating noise in the background by judging, labelling, over analysing, scrutinizing her to to ur DH, unless you like her creating similar noise when you have intense feelings to discuss with him about marital affairs.

If your DH doesn’t know how to accommodate her feelings without being a people pleaser, then that’s his issue. It’s a personal issue that he needs to work on. But doesn’t mean the mother stops expressing her feelings to him and having a dialogue.

As long as she isn’t going on food strikes, and throwing tantrums, blackmailing, and withdrawing affection, blaming .. then she is within her rights to express how she feels by dialogue. And no that’s not guilt tripping. It’s called communication. And god forbid should she decide that what her and her son have is a relationship ... and every relationship needs honest communication..

Because somehow... that might lead her to be sending him nudes.

Make sure she doesn’t feel judged and scrutinized by you because that’s oppressive. And if you can’t accept her for who she is, then don’t expect that back from her.

He doesn’t owe her to manager her feelings and she doesn’t owe him to manage his people pleasing habits if he has any.

What they do owe each other though, is support, kindness, compassion.. and to be there for each other at times of need. And right now she needs him and so he has a role to play. Plz don’t stand in his way.

To those pp shocked at people expressing how they would feel... I’m shocked that you are shocked.. almost as if you need us to justify emotions in a way that suits you before you accept us. Not happening!.

Almost like you have a script about how we should feel and how much of that we are allowed to express..

Almost sounds like controlling behaviour.

"As long as she isn’t going on food strikes, and throwing tantrums, blackmailing, and withdrawing affection, blaming .. then she is within her rights to express how she feels by dialogue. And no that’s not guilt tripping. It’s called communication. And god forbid should she decide that what her and her son have is a relationship ... and every relationship needs honest communication.."

The answer to all of AIBU ever...

"aibu to feel the way i feel in this situation?"

"omg she's not even tantruming let alone on hunger strike, of course you are bu"

What utter drivel! It is so ironic that you are denigrating me for demanding my MIL behave in a certain way while demanding i behave in a certain way. After all I'm too young and beautiful to have feelings?!

This is such a crock of shit.

Thank you for calling me controlling I've long been working on isolating my husband from his mother and trampling his self-esteem and autonomy so I'm glad I'm finally getting recognition for it and i know it wasn't all in vain

Sorry @ilovehumanity just realised this was from you! I can't take anything seriously from the manipulative sister who begs and wails her frankly probably frightened brother to hold her baby. I think you need to back away from him before he goes NC with you, if he hasn't already, you sound unhinged

Dexy , you really think I’m going to react to you ?

I’m going to continue with my unwelcome advice for the sake of your mil, and for the sake of this thread.

—also I’m secretly enjoying your narrative of my life almost like watching a child having a tantrum—

You're welcome! Night!

What utter drivel! It is so ironic that you are denigrating me for demanding my MIL behave in a certain way while demanding i behave in a certain way. After all I'm too young and beautiful to have feelings?!

I think justice demands that you treat her as you accept on yourself. But since you lack the empathy I’m having to spell it out. I think that’s a simple equation in life that’s got nothing to do with your pretty face.

That if you don’t like her meddling in your relationship with your spouse. Don’t meddle with her relationship wit her son. And right now her feelings about her son is between her and him.

Oh 😨 I forgot that you believe there is no relationship in life that doesn’t involve the bedroom and nudes.

So generic advice, I mean this in the best way, as long as it’s not to do with you then it’s not your business. Unless your husband came to you stating that he is feeling pressured by his mum.

But planting things in his mind would only one day backfire.

unless she is disrespecting you, or being unkind to you directly , you should probably butt out of her relationship with her Son especially as you seem incapable to picture what a relationship between a mother or son sounds like.

Excuse my bluntness, I’m not Dutch. But I don’t think you get any sugar coating from me with your attitude.

You posted this expected a mumsnet thread to start helping you bashing your mil. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted.

Now you want some empathy about your “feelings”. But those that don’t give something can’t demand it.

We might be getting somewhere ?

Weird isn't it that some many British people would be devastated at their children spreading their wings and gaining new experiences.

In Australia and NZ I've heard parents devastated that their kids aren't going to do their 'OE'. The opinion seems to be that without it they will have less opportunities available to them and we'll be less well rounded people.

I questioned a good friends Mum about it only last week and asked her how she felt when her only daughter moved from NZ to London for 15 years. She said 'we were delighted, we've encouraged all of our kids to do it from being tiny, there's a big world out there and we wanted them to see and experience as much as they could'.

I've got childhood friends in every continent now. Probably 50% have moved to other countries. I think it's bloody brilliant

I live overseas and I miss my mum so much as the years move on and I often am amazed that she never tried to stop me moving and never complains about it because I really hope my kids don't do the same thing. Life is so short and family is irreplaceable and as you age you tend to appreciate that more I think.I think it shows their love for their son to be honest.

It's not really that weird that people in the UK would be upset if their children moved to Australia/NZ.
It's a bloody long way.
They could get heaps of experience moving to another country in Europe, or the US, or Canada, or the ME and still be a fuck of a lot closer than Australia/NZ.

People in Australia/NZ, on the other hand, have to move a fuck of a long way to get ANYWHERE different, to be honest.

Im with sqeekums. Yes i would be upset but proud, of my child taking every opportunity. It's not like it was 50 years ago, when it was so expensive, that it was a permanent move, nor where, the only way you can keep in in touch is letters. With skype, facebook etc its much easier. I don't know why people are getting at the op, as she doesn't understand, cause her parents are thrilled she's going, so you would think your in law would be too. Its not a permanent move, till they're sure and they will be coming back regularly. Tho i can see it from mil point of view, she's had her son move abroad once, prehaps she's not in contact as much, as she would like and sees this again as maybe rejection or something similar?

I'd be thrilled for my children! But I think that's because we've chosen the same path.

We left Australia at 31, having done the old rite of passage back to the motherland in our late teens and early 20's. At the time, we weren't going to have any kids but that changed after a few years! Our son was born in the UK. Funnily enough, even though over the years there was the odd remark from family back in Australia, it was friends and colleagues in the UK who kept mentioning the grandparents and being closer to them now we had a child. It played on our minds and we returned to Australia after 5 years.

Wrong decision! Or more, the wrong reason to return. For different reasons our move went pear shaped and it cemented to us and our families that being abroad was better for us, financially and just in general. Australia was no longer "home". We are back abroad again, in Asia now so only an 8 hour flight and not a whole day affair. Our second child will be born here and I hope our children have that sense of wanderlust.

I had only been in the UK 2 months at 22 when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I returned home and spent the last few months of her life with her, which I don't regret at all. I wanted to go back to the UK after she passed but as an only child I felt I should stay, my dad had no one else. After a few years, and knowing my husband also wanted to move to the UK, I suddenly realised I was living my life out of a sense of obligation and not the life I really wanted. It was a lightbulb moment for me!

Of course our parents were sad when we left but no one made a song and dance about it. We weren't made to feel guilty about moving. Perhaps they may have felt "devastated" inside but were never anything less than 100% supportive, more so now they've seen how hard it was to try and make a life back there with them and struggle. Had they actually verbalised it, if they were devastated, I would have thought it unfair, like they were trying to change our minds or make us feel guilty. However, you can't help the way you feel. They shouldn't need to apologise for feeling heartbroken, just as we shouldn't need to apologise for living our life as we choose.

In recent years we've agreed to meet halfway. They had all been over a few times and we didn't like spending our annual leave on a place we'd lived in so it's worked well for us. We all see something new and it feels like a holiday.

It's emotional when family move far away and sometimes it's hard to see things rationally and from another perspective. And it takes time! Give her time to process your move. Families worry about being so far away, suddenly there are a million "what ifs" and imagined crisis' that can happen. They worry you might fail, or even worse succeed and never come home! And they forget how small the world is now.

But that was a very long rambling answer to your question! I'd be so happy if my kids moved abroad, it means that they take after us and we've showed them enough of the world that they want to explore it for themselves. I'd be proud as punch!

One of my sons moved to Australia six years ago went out with a teaching degree [ 3 years UK 4 years Australia] he couldn't us.However now he is a policeman I can see he has a far better life than in the UK.Visit him once a year.With Facetime speak weekly too it really is not the end of the world! Obviously I would love for him to be nearer but sometimes you have to not be selfish and let go.

Nakedavenger74

"Weird isn't it that some many British people would be devastated at their children spreading their wings and gaining new experiences"

It's not weird. It's just different. You said a friend thinks it's brilliant for a child to move across the globe for 15 years. Clearly most people on this thread would agree with me not your friend. So clearly it is cultural. Lots of Europeans find it something they are not happy with. It's just a fact.

@ILovehumanity no, no I don't think you and I are getting anywhere!

Thank you very much to all for their views. It is genuinely helpful to get some insights into why MIL might be feeling and reacting this way. Like i've said, it was a shock to me so interesting to get all these different perspectives. Still don't agree with everything you all say on this topic but in any event the flight and who makes the effort to see who are less immediate issues and we'll have to muddle through them over the course of the next two years.

Think the bottom line is we need to patient with her. So many of you have said you'd be bereft / heartbroken / devastated if your kid left for Oz that clearly MIL is not at all unusual for reacting the way she has, so well, fair enough to her.

Spoke to DH yesterday and we're going to buy her a new phone package for Christmas from Lebara or one of these companies with plenty of data etc and international minutes and preinstall skype and what's app etc. And I might set DH a weekly calendar reminder to call her

This is an issue close to my heart on a few levels. I always wanted to live and work abroad - and seriously considered Australia - but my parents always made me feel guilty about going and I never went - I hugely regret that now.

I’m an English woman married to an Australian woman - we live and work in the UK. My wife came to the UK 25 yrs ago planning on only staying 3 yrs for the duration of her PhD but ended up staying for good. Her family were nothing but supportive. She’s v close to her family and goes back at least once a year - she searches out cheap flights and stays with them when she’s in Aus to keep costs down. She is in regular (at least weekly) contact with her family and they often come and stay with us here in the UK - including her 90 yr old mother. We all feel very close and connected to one another probably more so than many of my friends do with their families who live nearby.

We have two boys (18 and 20) - I would love it if one or both wanted to live abroad. I was rather disappointed the other day when the younger one, who has previously expressed an interest in working in the States, said he’d decided he’d just stay in the UK after all. I want them to go out and explore the world and have interesting lives - expand their networks and themselves.

I find your MIL’s attitude baffling but maybe she doesn’t realise that it’s actually quite manageable. Maybe when talking to her focus on the quality of the relationship being the most important factor rather than geographical closeness.

@onemorecup I guess the flip side is you wouldn't have met your wife if you hadn't stayed in the UK, and had your children! Fate at play, and all that :)

I agree with you that you can be close despite distance (I am SO close to my parents despite them being a flight and 500 miles away, although must acknowledge we're in the same time zone and travel to each other is inexpensive). I will encourage DH to have this conversation with his mum as I don't think it's my place to say this to her.

I moved to England from the US. I haven't seen my parents in 6 years. They have missed their Grandchild growing up and it's so hard being away from them. My mom is in really bad health and my Dad is struggling to cope and there is nothing I can do.

Dh, who is Dutch, says that pretending to be happy about something when you feel sad about it is like lying, for a Dutch person.