WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

Interesting @venus, I haven't heard this / encountered this with my dealings with the dutch family to date. Maybe there's a sense of "if I were just to wish him well and congratulate them they might think I didn't care" - ?

I guess the flip side is you wouldn't have met your wife if you hadn't stayed in the UK, and had your children! Fate at play, and all that

DexyMidnight - you are of course absolutely right!

Maybe there's a sense of "if I were just to wish him well and congratulate them they might think I didn't care" - ?

Nope. That’s overthinking it. It simply doesn’t occur to them to hide what they are feeling, because on the flip side it wouldn’t occur to them to be offended by how someone else feels about something.

They are very straightforward.

My mum reacted as positively as she could when we first moved abroad - she said, 'I'm sad you're going but I know it's the right thing for you to do.' And I was expecting my first baby when we planned the move (I stayed in the UK til she was born partly so my mum could meet her before we moved).

I was actually really proud of how she responded because I thought she would take it badly. I have siblings who are still local to my mum but I am definitely the 'fixer' who everyone relies on.

We went back to the UK partly to try and 'do the family thing' with family actually around and stayed barely a year before moving again. It just didn't work for us or our careers. Now on the other side of the world (opposite direction from last time!) and my mum took it totally in her stride. She knows we have a better life here, and the ONLY downside for us is not being physically close to friends and family. But I facetime my mum almost daily and I think she kind of vicariously lives through our adventures!

Given our lifestyle and our plans to stay abroad, probably not in just one country, my kids will be very unlikely to end up all living in the same place as us when we are old. I like to think I will want them to have their own adventures and live their lives.

OP - I would be equally confused by your MIL given how rarely she actually sees her son at the moment!

I have a friend who emigrated to Oz many years ago, and her mum was devastated and refused to accept it for many years. When their first child was born with a life limiting health condition, the rift was healed, and she ended up moving out there to help them. DH grew up in Oz, and his mother was equally distraught when he decided to stay here. It is hard, as it is just so very far! When his Dad became ill, we caught the first flight back we could get, at a premium fortune as it was close to Xmas and the flights were nearly full. Flew 24 hours direct with a quick pit stop in Dubai, and he passed away an hour before we touched down. It was awful for him, and really did put the distance into perspective.

Oh @DNAP that is so very, very sad.

In Australia and NZ I've heard parents devastated that their kids aren't going to do their 'OE'. The opinion seems to be that without it they will have less opportunities available to them and we'll be less well rounded people.

Because, bluntly, Australia is a very very long way away from most places and the internal distances are vast to a European perception of distance. An Australian kid who moves from Sydney to Melbourne has to make a move of nearly 900km. A London kid could move to Paris, Brussels, Frankfurt, Dublin, or Amsterdam and still be closer to home than that Australian kid. You can get most of the way from London to New York for the distance between Sydney and Perth!

I don’t dispute for a moment that living abroad is generally very beneficial, but in the U.K. and Europe we’re very lucky that we don’t have to go very far at all to experience very different cultures, with all of the horizon-broadening that that entails. It’s inevitable that there will be cultural differences in the attitude to travel.

suuport them all the way id miss our granchildren but its their life and the need to live it.

I'm the one that moved from Australia to the UK, nearly 20 years ago. My DC were born here and I've made good friends here.

For the first decade I made annual flights back to Australia, when my first son was born, I continued to make frequent trips back. When my second son was born it stopped being so frequent - juggling two small children on such a long flight, on my own, was incredibly hard.

At the time I was able to go in the long summer holiday - but it meant all of my holiday time was spent in winter in Australia - thoroughly depressing. The Christmas break here was too short to fit into school/work holidays, we only managed it once. But I didn't do much travelling around Europe as a result. I haven't seem much of England, either.

Now, things have gone drastically wrong and I can't afford the frequent trips back. My marriage has broken down, and my STBXH has severe problems. A few of my friends have been supportive, but it's not like family. My sisters dropped everything and flew out to spend time with me and help me through the crisis. My friends wouldn't take any time off work to help me, and why should they? They're friends not family. I've never felt so utterly alone in my whole life.

So I'm planning to go back to Australia, fortunately my STBXH agrees it's best for me and the DC, otherwise I wouldn't be able to leave.

I'm hoping my DC are young enough to make Australia home. I'd truly hate for them to come back to the UK and make their home here.

When things are going well, moving away is an adventure, and lots of fun. When things go badly, you are alone and away from your support base. Something to consider....

I'd be heartbroken. Her son is going to be living on the other side of the world and her grandchildren will probably be growing up there and she will only get to be with them once every couple of years or so.

Of course the poor woman is upset. Why wouldn't she be?

Overthehedge - I'm sure you don't need telling how incredibly lucky you are that your stbexH has agreed you can take the children - I know of at least 3 British expats here whose marriages have broken down since coming over here whose exHs have refused to countenance them returning to the UK with the children - absolutely terrible for them to have to deal with the break up and everything with next to no support in a different country. One, the break up happened within a year of moving here so she didn't even have really good, close friends to call on. :(

SunshineSnowflakesDaydreams I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I realise it was probably a long time ago.

I'd be thrilled always wanted an excuse to see Australia and my job is done as far as my AC are concerned so if they choose to move away so be it means I can go off and do stuff for me without feeling guilty

My marriage broke down and I doubt my ex would have stopped me moving to the UK with the kids. But when I was small, my mum moved to the other side of the UK and I only got to see my dad in the holidays. I'd aways decided that if we broke up, I'd stay near my ex anyway. Now the kids are older, I'm still here. Choosing to move your child away from their dad is not the easy, "lucky" option, either. It's all pretty crap if it doesn't work out, a risk you just have to take if you want to marry abroad.

I know of at least 3 British expats here whose marriages have broken down since coming over here whose exHs have refused to countenance them returning to the UK with the children

This happened to my cousin. She was on antidepressants for years, desperate to come home.

ThumbWitchesAbroad I know how lucky I am. If I had to stay here I could do it, but I really, really don't want to. I'm still nervous as all hell because he could change his mind, and I'm not planning on moving until a year's time, and then we have to be in Australia for 12 months before it is considered to be their permanent residence and we can't be made to come back.

OverTheHedgeSammy why are you waiting a year? Isn't that risky? Just being most you do not need to say.

Overthehedge I'm glad your exh is being decent. I am a huge worrier and literalky cannot sleep until a 'deal is done' so i hope you can resolve this faster. Like italiangreyhound curious to know why you need to wait a year but v much understand if it may be outing

I have to sell the house - he's not in a position to help get it sold. So I'm going at some point after the school year ends and before the Australian school year begins

OverTheHedgeSammy Good luck with that, hope it goes well.

DH and I have spoken about this as there are opportunities there for me and I've been casually approached already, about to go on mat leave at the moment so timing isn't right, but it's something we'd consider later on. Made the mistake of mentioning it to parents, my DF, MILand FIL immediately all started talking about relocating! MIL and DF are retired and FIL has a job that's quite internationally transferable 🙈

Overthehedge can you rent it temporarily? In any event best of luck. How nervewracking

If i don't manage to sell it by then I will have to. Not ideal though because it does need to be sold at some point, and selling it with a tenant in situ would be a lot harder.

From another perspective, I moved from the uk to Australia with my husband and kids 10 years ago. One set of parents were encouraging, and happy for us, my parents (specifically my mum) refused to even acknowledge we were going. It made the move a lot harder.. however, it taught me the lesson that If my kids chose to return to the uk, or decided to live anywhere else in the world, support, encouragement and the knowledge that I’d done my job to raise independent people would be the very best way to be.

My brother’s kids (2) are in Australia
Son been there 10 years, and got son now
Daughter as just gone with her dd(6) to same area as her brother.

Brother as been out to Australia 3 times to see his son, and met gs.the last time he said he couldn’t do the long flight again(63) as it takes so much out off you.

But now dd and gd who he took to school everyday and looked after during hols, infact gd was his life after loosing his wife.
He’s happy for them , but misses dd and gd so much. They FaceTime twice week but it’s not the same as just nipping to her house and vice versa.

They both want him to go and live there too, and they want him to go at Xmas.
He doesn’t want to live with either of them, as he likes his own space.

I spoke to him yesterday and he was saying he felt depressed since dd & Gd had gone and felt anxiety creeping in.
I feel sorry for him as he practically brought he’s gd up whilst his dd went to work, they were very close

I’m fretting when ds (26) leaves home, thou with housing market and basic wage it’s going to be a while. I know it will bring on anxiety for me as he’s not practical or good with money and never thinks off tomorrow with money.

He’s never told them how he feels.