WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

DH has a sister who loved to Oz. SIL has been out there for about 8 years now, we maybe hear from her a couple of times a year - when we email she generally takes weeks to reply if at all. This year she didn’t send DD1 a birthday present. Australia is very far away and it feel like we are ‘out of sight, out of mind’ for SIL. Due to this experience I would be very sad if one of mine moved over there but would be supportive of their choice.

My mil had to unexpectantly retire on ill health. And can no longer afford to fly to oz every year, her son has just had first grandson out there and can't afford to travel so there is hardly any chance they will ever see each other again.
You totally should go, regrets are hard to live with too

My DM would be devastated.

I considered a career that would involve working abroad. I didn't do it partly as it wouldn't have been right for me but also because it would have been incredibly hard for my parents.

Now one has died and the other is old and frail, it was the right choice for me.

“She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all” The fact that you can describe someone being sad like this means you might just might not be acknowledging her feelings as much as you could?

Echoing what PPs have said - I'd be utterly devastated if my child moved to the other side of the world. They might have a wonderful time and I'd want to celebrate that side of things for them, but I would feel bereaved, even with Skype and FaceTime etc.

My DB moved to Australia for "2 years", and they've now been there 8 and have citizenship. When our father was dying, DB was completely physically absent, obviously, although he tried to call every day. A flight from mainland Europe could have been achieved every weekend, but as it was he came once just before Dad died, then again for the funeral.

I utterly dread that my kids may move the other side of the globe (even though I want them to spread wings and so on, just not that far...).

Slightly OT (sorry OP), but I feel sick reading these posts.

I moved to North America two years ago after a stint in Europe (so quite like your DH OP) and even though I speak to my parents every day and am childfree, I literally feel sick that my DM is broken-hearted inside. Christ.

@Pursefirst of course she is. My mother would be heartbroken if I even moved to Manchester and that's only 40 minutes away. That's what mothers do.

She can also be happy for you at the same time though! But she'll still hurt inside, at least at first she would've.

@StillMedusa of course i can understand that!! That's why I'm upset she isn't behaving like you - upset but supportive, interested, chatty (not expecting financial support at all though, to be clear)

I’m afraid I think it’s relevant that your DH will be going as a trailing spouse, even though he has been able to make career arrangements. She might feel differently if he were the one who had been headhunted for the exciting career opportunity.

I suspect that she has been hoping for some time that he might one day move back to the Netherlands and that this news has finally hit home the fact that he probably never will.

We’ve come back to the UK after 4 years in NZ, and our children have NZ residency. Our 13 year old wants to go back to NZ at some point, as does his sister, and we’ve had to accept that they may decide to move back when they’re old enough. I will, of course, be sad, but we did it, so I know the pull of wanting to try it. MIL was pretty devastated when we left the UK, as was my mum, but MIL was particularly vocal about how gutted she was. It was really hard, but we all made it work.

I am shocked at how many are saying they would be devastated. With a little thought and planning, the world is really not that big. I have three grandchildren that were all born and brought up in Oz (my daughter emigrated at 20) yet I'd say I have a very close relationship with them all. I've always seen them at least once a year, sometimes twice and usually for several weeks at a time. Sometimes we've met in the middle Indonesia, Thailand or Malaysia, we speak at least weekly on the phone and we send random videos, photos or messages daily via Whatsapp. The time difference isn't really an issue as even when one of the elder children (who have their own phones) forget the time and have something they urgently need to tell me at 3 in the morning, I don't mind being woken up to hear it. I know that I have far more contact with my grandkids than several friends have with theirs, who may only live a few miles away. So I'd say it's not down to distance but how much time and effort you all want to invest in your relationship.

Sorry OP I'm not sure that helps you much but maybe it will stop one of the other posters being quite so devastated if their child decides to move across the world.

OP, I had exactly the same reaction from my MIL, and her and FIL made dh feel terrible because of it, which I think was totally unfair of them. Also quite insensitive and mean. Especially as they already had a DD living abroad (complete with DC), still had other DC remaining in the same country, and regularly travelled the world on holiday, so it's not as if they couldn't afford to visit.
I can understand being upset, but to make you/dh feel bad about it is selfish, in my opinion. Mil has since demonstrated a similar blinding hypocrisy in other areas as well, so in my experience I don't think being devastated and letting you know about it is a very balanced or considerate response to ppl who want to improve their lives by moving. Facetime is sufficient. You sound as if you will be seeing them every 9 months anyway.
Hope it all works out well for you.

I met my English oh in Australia and we stayed there for 3 years. During those years my now MIL was awful and stopped talking to oh she would say things like "how can you love me if you choose to live there" his dad and sister were also angry because they had to deal with MIL
We then moved here to the uk, one of the main reasons was the guilt MIL put on us. She's all happy families now but I really resent her and feel she's the main reason I'm living here and not back home in Australia with my family. I feel stuck now as we have children and jobs. If I had my time again I would never have taken her feelings into such consideration as now I'm the unhappy one.
Don't let her stop you teaching your dreams. Though life on the other side of the world away from your family is hard.

We had to move 90 miles from the ILs for work and because it was simply too expensive to stay in that city and afford to have children. It's all been alright but when FIL fell ill that 90 miles was long. And now he's gone MIL is really struggling and again, I wish we could afford to move back there. Cannot imagine being as far away as Australia. It's all hunky dory when you're in your 30s, but when you start moving into middle age and your parents become older, the whole flying thing becomes a real problem and possibly not an option if you have certain health conditions. Personally I think it's a really selfish thing to do.

She's not BU for being sad.

She's definitely BU for being publicly sad making you feel bad about your life abd decisions you're making.

Go to Oz, you'll love it and they'll visit I'm sure

Parents shouldn't stand in the way of their kids living their lives. As adults we made choices about where to live - the kids need to make theirs. It's natural to be sad about people going, but if they are happy, that's the main thing. I've got siblings in OZ and we visit and they visit, in between there is Skype and e mail etc.

Our dd has moved to China....initially for 2 years, but may be for longer
I'm actually happy for her, she's got 2 degrees and worked so hard and already been promoted and loves living there
...obviously miss her like crazy and having been diagnosed with a debilitating chronic autoimmune illness, it's unlikely I'll be able to visit her but we can 'skype' and she's just spent a fortnight at home when we spent quality time together
Unfortunately her uncle is now terminally ill and I doubt she'll be given time off work to visit him

@DexyMidnight are you totally ignoring the comments about her being Dutch? You know they do not do what we do here culturally? They have no use of 'politeness' as a thing because they do not generally use it. They just say what they mean. They find it curious and sometimes 'cute' that we do. Why are you projecting UK niceties on to her and expecting her to act that way? She is not British.

“She's definitely BU for being publicly sad ”

How very dare she have feelings.

I would be devastated. Australia is very different from somewhere in Europe, a couple of hours' away. I would force myself to be supportive, but inside I would be heartbroken.

The thing I always think emigrating people should remember is that there are literally no positives for those left behind. The leavers have positive and negative, some balance. For the family, no upsides at all.

I can understand why she's upset. Australia is a long way away, much further than Holland to England! Give her time to adjust?

Personally I don't know. I'd be shocked and upset, but every single person I know that emigrated has come back after a few years, so I'd kind of think of that!

I don't know if this is too much of a downer, but my DH and I live in a different country to PiL and while it wasn't an issue at first it has actually gotten harder over the years.

MiL died last year and the end was horrific. We couldn't be there for most of her final illness, I wasn't even there at the end as I had to come home as we couldn't afford replacement flights for both of us. I know FiL has felt very lonely since her death and it sucks knowing that he has no support. We are looking into moving back atm but that is hard as well as we have a life here now.

That's true. Most I know come back. I've just seen too many people leave a sibling behind with total responsibility when parents are unwell and it's very hard for them, and resentment can easily set in. Absolutely people can go, but expecting joy and pleasure is too much.

Moving to Australia is absolutely nothing whatsoever like moving to the UK from the Netherlands. Of families I know who migrated out there, all found it much harder than they anticipated to deal with the massive geographical distance. If this becomes a permanent move, you cannot guarantee you will always be able to afford the journeys over, there will come a time when parents are too infirm to make the journey, you cannot be there quickly for loved ones in a crisis (eg relative in a car crash and might die), and also cannot be there as much as you would like if more chronic issues arise. It can be even worse if relatives decide to follow you out there, but are then miserable!... However, Australia is an amazing place to live, which is why people are willing to accept the rough with the smooth...