WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

DS is currently at college studying a course with a view to go to Australia and being sponsored by family over there.
To be honest if it comes off I have mixed feelings. I love Australia but it's a long way from the Ribble Valley!

I encourage my children to think about moving to other countries, I expect they live their lives to the fullest and not consider me at all. I love them so much I only want the best for them. I do not expect them to stay to be with me. I would miss them but I realise their future is their own

OP, surely you can see the difference between where he is now and Australia - it's a LOT further away especially if his parents don't travel the comparatively short distance now. They are not going to want to travel to Australia!

Good point about the phone calls, Skype and time difference. It will never be as simple as sending a quick text or picking up the phone again. Each of you will spend your time either waking up the other or worrying about it or having calls at odd unsociable times.

It's hard because as much as there is Skype/FaceTime etc with the time difference it requires more effort than it does from the Netherlands.

@MRex their health is good, they are only 60 (in fact MIL not quite 60). They don't have a lot of disposable income but DH and I have said we'll fly them over to visit. But MIL's response was " no you wouldn't catch me on a 24 hour flight". Feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

And yes I feel guilty for upsetting her. And simultaneously cross that she isn't proud for us both (as well as sad), that we are doing so well and living lives to the full.

But thank you, genuinely these opinions from mums are helping.

I'd be happy about it, because my dc would be happy.

One of mine is studying Japanese at university. Perhaps they'll end up settling there - why not? How exciting for them.

I didn't have kids to end up strangling them with my apron strings.

To their generation Australia is a very, very long way away and expensive to get to. Rather than just a hop across. (No Kangaroo pun intended!). Also the time difference will make communication all the more difficult. I can see why she's disappointed OP.

Also you need to make sure you get entirely the right visas and the business do too. Otherwise you'll be back within a few years anyway.

I would be gutted. But I would try and put a brave face on.

It's especially harder if your son is moving rather than daughter. If it's DD you know you can visit whenever you want, but when it's a DS moving, the daughter in law tends to call the shots, especially when kids come along.

I hope DD does.
She's got family over there who adore her, it's such an experience, she may stay, she may not, but I want the best for her, and I think it's going there.

@IndigoHen I suspect you'll be shot down for that response but I see what you mean and you might be right. I wonder if that might account for part of what she's feeling. Interesting point.

Also the onus will be entirely on you to travel back here rather than them travelling to you OP. As you're the ones that moved away. So yabu in expecting them to be happy about a longhaul epic flight just to see their son.

To their generation 😂
No. My brother emigrated 20 years ago when my mum was older than your pil. She wished him well and visited several times.

I’d be sad and would miss my child and couldn’t help but voice that. It is human to want your family close, although she isn’t any way. But it does feel closer than the thought of him being in Australia!

I would of course also wish them well and help them in anyway I could, and actually go visit them. If I had no other considerations I’d probably move too!

Tbh OP I'd be pretty gutted, especially if he was moving because he was following his wife rather than it being his own achievement, iyswim.

If it was for his job and his promotion I'd be proud as anything, but not for his wife's.

Sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would be gutted. It is nothing like having a child in another part of Europe. Follow your dreams by all means but accept that their are winners and losers in this situation. Its not the job of the losers to actively make you feel guilty, nor do they have to pretend they don't mind

I am from Australia and moved to the UK. When I met my English hubby-to-be my mother was so devastated - she knew once I met him I wouldn't move back to Oz. One of the harder parts was her thinking that I would not be with her when she passed. Sadly we have many stories in our family where someone has jumped on a plane to see their loved one before they passed and they have not made it in time. Sydney is very far from the UK.
She is grieving - give her some time.
You will love Sydney. There is a very good chance you will choose to settle there. Sydney is the city in Australia the most like London but it has much better weather.

I would be devastated. It is so far away. It really changes things especially if you decide to stay and start a family. Your hypothetical children will never really know their grandparents.

That's great @teaandtoast but to people in their 60s its still a fucking mile away. It is for a lot of them, the ten bob boat their own parents and grandparents/aunts uncles etc all got on and never came back. It's not just a flight away to many like younger people are more likely to see it. Also it would seem ten million more miles away if you can't afford the long haul flight.

Australia sounds very far away and very final.

At least he's within easy and cheap reach at the moment and she may have hopes of him returning to the Netherlands.

The difference is, they may not see him often, but they could. Australia, not so much.

PS - one thing my family has started doing is meeting for quality time holidays in countries between Australia and the UK. i.e. Thailand, Mauritius - if you move to Sydney you must plan to go to Fiji which is wonderful and only about a 3hr flight away.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks - ouch!!! But i appreciate the honesty. Fair enough!

My DS and DIL went to NZ when my DGS was 2. I was happy and excited for them. However, as the years have gone by, my DGS is now 11 and my DGD 4, I have felt very, very sad at them being so far away.
I try to visit every year and they occasionally come to the UK for a holiday. We make the most of it, but it is hard at times.
I understand how your MIL feels, but, of course, for you, it is as if she is spoiling your happiness and excitement. I don't suppose she means to. She probably feels shocked at the moment and is unable to hide her real feelings. Not easy for you though.
I hope it works out for you. Sydney is a great city.

I'd be devastated.

It was very tough for my uncle to get leave, book flights and be in the country when his parents (my grandparents) were sick and eventually died. They had lots of ups and downs and he couldn't be there the way their other kids could.

She's probably aware that it could be long-term. So although they're 60 now they wont be in good health forever. If you decide to have kids they won't be able to look after them while you're in work or take them for ice cream once a week. Many people look forward to that relationship with their grandkids.

My grandmother was always super keen to go to Australia to visit my uncle, but my grandfather really struggled with the flight and the time difference. It also cost a lot for pensioners. My grandparents were early 70s at the time, not 80s/90s.

I think if you were saying "it will definitely just be two years" her reaction would likely be very different.

I would be a bit devastated tbh. Not just the cost of flights but the sheer distance and the travel time. I certainly couldn’t hide how upset I felt, despite wishing DC happiness with the move.

It’s one thing for her I suppose to have her DS in the uk. It is a really short flight should she ever need him/want to see him. The fact that she doesn’t pop over to you more and he only goes a couple of times a year is beside the point I imagine. He isn’t really that far away at all. Moving to the other side of the world is massively far away and could very well change how often she sees him. She also may not be fully aware that you won’t be having any children.
They are only going to get older, emergencies will happen and in reality, whilst you may be able to fly quickly, you won’t be able to get there quickly.
Please don’t be upset about her reaction, I don’t think you can blame her for being miserable about it.