WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

I'd be sad. My friend moved from AUS to Europe. Had an accident and was in a coma. Her poor mum took over 35 hours from hearing the news to getting to her bedside.

At the time I had job possibilities in Canada and Australia. Totally put me off

I am going to be blunt and speak as the sibling left with ailing and elderly parents as my brother stayed in after a three-year posting to Australia.

Those who leave—well go into it with your eyes open too. Now that my mother has incurable cancer and my father heart failure, my brother feels quite helpless. Whatever you think, it simply isn’t possible to fly back at a moment’s notice four or five times a year when there’s a crisis.

Are you going to be able to come with a few days’ or even one day’s notice that a diagnosis with an oncologist will be made the following day? Or pop over when your mother is too weak to take your father to the gp? Or when a sudden emergency means your parents are in two different hospitals?

This can be the reality of elderly parents, even when they have been very healthy in earlier years.

I'd be utterly gutted. I'd try to put a brave face on it, but I'd be bereft inside. I don't think you get it because you don't have kids yourself. It's far. Skype and Facetime aren't the same. It's something I actually fear. It's fucking far.

@ittakes: yes, we definitely plan to meet in the middle with my parents, as you suggest. Atm we're struggling to get PIL on board with flying anywhere so that's a work in progress!

I did mention it in my OP but we're not having children. I just mention again as I know a few of you have mentioned grandchildren x

I’d be understanding but also devastated. It’s more the distance, I know you’ve said you won’t catch her doing 24 hours of travel but it really is exhausting and I understand that. Also it is more difficult to call home and keep in touch. You have very few hours in a day you can actually do that. As a parent, and I know this is irrational as I’ve been there to work for a while also, but I’d wonder what I did wrong to make them want to be literally as far away as is possible. Like I said i know irrational and likely that I would’ve created a very independent successful human wanting to make the most out of life.

I don’t think I’d try to stop them but I would be truly devastated.

Not really an answer to your question but DH is from Australia and an only child. His parents wished him well when he left but their relationship now is beyond repair 😞. The distance is a killer.

@teaandtoast

My DS graduated in July with a degree in Japanese and is due to start work in Japan in March. Just waiting for the visa to come through. Of course I will miss him a lot but cannot wait to go and visit him. We've already discussed how we'll manage Skype calls with the time difference and we can still chat on what's app, it just won't be instant.

Some people want to keep their children forever near them and I do understand that. But I would feel really selfish doing that. I'm happy my DS is going off to have adventures.

I think I’d be genuinely happy for them to start a new life, but I’d be a little bit sad if it meant it would be years between visits (I know you say you’ll be in uk often, but that will fizzle out.. however, if I wasn’t happy, I find it extremely difficult to fake emotion, and you would 100% see it on my slapped arse of a face

Give her time, she’s gutted. You don’t need her congratulations or her words, when the time comes and she settles, I’m sure you will see the support.

I agree abra, exactly what we experienced when my uncle moved to Australia and my grandparents were ill. My grandfather was fairly fit one moment, and had a huge stroke the next. Health can change almost instantly.

Maybe they thought that one day your DH (and you) would go 'home'?

@Nanny0gg I don't think so - I have always done this job (since before meeting DH) and I can't do it there.

This is very eye-opening stuff, everyone.

If I have not responded to a specific point or question let me know, i'm not trying to be selective with my answers.

I suspect that although he doesn’t have that close a relationship with them the huge distance and expensive involved in getting home in an emergency could be playing on their mind. London to the Netherlands is easy, quick and relatively even st short notice. From Sydney on the other hand? It would involve a lot of money, significant time off work, and a long journey.

Honestly I would be gutted and move to Australia too. It is half a world away and I would miss my dd terribly

The reality of the distance would break my heart, especially as I don't like flying and the thought of being in a plane for nearly 24 hours would kill me.

It's also YOUR achievement, and not your DH's - which may be a clear factor in her reaction. She's not going to be able to say "Oh my DS has got the offer of a lifetime", that's yours.

I can't help but feel a bit sorry for her. She's already lost her son to the UK. Now that distance is growing.

My son told me recently, that he and his Partner want to do a few years in Singapore when they graduate. I will fly out every year and skype. What else can you do?

I'm in this very position... DS1 has an Aussie girlfriend..he lived there for a year, then returned and she is living with us for two years then has to go back next July so they are in the process of applying for a couples visa.

On the surface, I am ok with it.. have given them funds towards it, helped with the process as much as I can, and will see them off with a huge hug and a smile when they go.

Underneath... that is my SON. my beloved child , moving 9000 miles away from me..potentially for good. It absolutely breaks my heart, because no matter how old he is, no matter how fabulous it is (and they are meant to be together.. she is great) Australia is not like living in Europe where you can catch a plane on a whim and be there in a couple of hours.. it is the other side of the world .

Can you really not understand that at all?

What a shit comment ReflectionsofParadise, the onous isn't on OP to visit anymore than the IL should feel like they have to.

I'm Australian and dh is Irish. This is our life, having just returned to Aus after 10 years and 2 dc in London.

The world is a much smaller place, time difference are no issue, I know as I skyped my parents every week and spoke to my dm most days.

We will probably return to the northern hemisphere at some point but anyone who tried to guilt me for doing what was best for my family would really annoy me too OP.

I have one son living permanently in the far east and one permanently in the US. Ten years ago when they moved I was sad but happy for them. It is harder now Im in my sixties and there are grandchild who I barely know due to twice a year visits.
Im starting to find the travelling harder now and am aware that in ten years time I may not want to do 8 and 12 hour flights. But I keep all of that to myself as theyare all happy and thriving.

My daughter wants to live in China so I will be in a similar position in a few years.

Your MIL is feeling emotional rather than practical. You don't have much contact but psychologically you are near enough to visit. Australia is a long way away and that's a scary thought. You sound like you are being very thoughtful and you must be but this is also your life and you need to think about what you want and what you can live with. For example, a friend wants to travel for six months but won't go while an elderly relative is alive as they would never forgive themselves if anything happened to them while friend was away.

Honestly, utterly gutted.
I have a family member who emigrated and we can’t afford to visit and they can’t afford to come back. Australia is so expensive and even if you can afford plane fares it’s expensive to eat & drink out and visit places ☹️. Their parents are now too elderly to make the trips and their health is failing.

Whilst Skype and Facetime aren't the same, you will regret not going.

Could they plan to come and visit you?
She's experiencing anticipated grief I think so - for the.benefit of everyone - reinforce that whilst it may be far away in miles, it's a day travelling. That's all.
It can take 10 hours to travel between some places in Britain! Plan seeing each other - talk specifically about when.

We 'emigrated' to Melbourne. My parents did grieve though were accepting that we needed to go. My mum visited (she was in her 70s, on her own as my dad passed away). We kept in touch by phone, skype etc. We came back after 2 years but that's another story.

Keep saying that it's only a day's travel away, minimise the miles and commit to plans to seeing them. Acknowledge that they feel upset. She's continuing with her slapped face because she wants acknowledgement of her upset. Just acknowledge it - and help her move on by using the strategies above. It might mot work - but it might. Good luck - you definitely need to go!

Yes, my mother was always very healthy and active, often flew to Australia. Not any more. And flights home for the expatriate child are expensive and very tiring, once you are middle aged, even business class.

As a parent It is very different when you are in your fifties, sixties or healthy seventies to how it can be in your eighties with chronic health problems that may mean you can’t fly.

It isn’t about wanting to keep your children tied to you. It is about accepting that you realistically are not going to be there for your parents when they are old and frail in the same way. If you have other siblings perhaps they will step in. I have had to and luckily have a wonderful and supportive husband to support me.

Funnily enough I was the child who was less close to my parents.

Of course you can ‘lose’ children for other reasons too, to be fair.

But I just want to paint the picture of what it can be like once elderly parents are too frail or ill to fly themselves.

I know someone who spent a year in Oz au pairing and loved it so much she was desperate to go back. But her dad made such a fuss about it, crying (out of character) and begging her not to go back that in the end, she decided not to. She still felt sad about being stuck in her home town and not being able to go to Oz years later, though.

My son is currently in New Zealand for about 15 months probably. My daughter is in France. I'm divorced and have no other family in this country so the only close relationship I have is my boyfriend. I've never missed the kids this much. I've visited my daughter, but the cost of a trip to NZ is totally prohibitive in terms of money and time (24 hour trip, basically; you'd have to stay at least a week) and obviously not something you'd do every year.

But if my son now said that he wanted to stay in NZ, I would not tell him I hated the idea. I'd say I was sad, just to let him know he'd be missed, but I'd support him. Partly as I know my sadness now is a bit well, sad . It's kind of my own fault if I don't have enough distractions without the kids.

But I know that other families are more openly emotional. Also, other cultures (e.g. here in Germany) don't have this attitude of parents constantly putting their own wishes behind those of their children, and people are more likely simply to say what they think as they believe their children are strong enough to cope with it. (Here in Germany, people probably actually are better at batting off criticism.)

I’d be devastated. I live a 5 hour journey away from DD and family and even that exhausts me. I absolutely adore my DCSs and treasure the time we have together and the relationship that is developing between us. It’s the most precious thing. The thought of them all moving to the other side of the world and not get to see them growing up and their personalities developing is something I don’t like to even think about if I’m honest. We do bring our children up to have their own lives and make their own choices but that doesn’t mean we as parents won’t be heartbroken at the thought of them being so far away.

@StillMedusa yes but are you walking around with a 'face like a slapped arse' though? No, you're trying to be supportive.

It's fine to say how much you'll be missed, how it's a long way, how can we sort time diff to speak regularly etc but pissing on chips is not on.