WWYD if your child moved to Australia?

[DexyMidnight]

Specifically, your DS and his wife? How would you feel and how would you react?

DH is from the Netherlands and moved to London almost 10 years ago. He was only ever meant to stay a year to brush up his English, but ended up settling and studying here at university. We've been together for 5 years and married for 1.5. Both 30 years old. No plans for kids (and DH's parents are, I think, aware of this).

For some time we have been itching to move abroad for a while and have a bit of an adventure. And then I was approached about a job in Sydney! we talked it over, figured out how he could make it work with DH's current role, and I applied. DH's parents were kept informed (the process took a while), I got the job, and ended up getting a promotion to boot! We are delighted, and my parents are delighted for us, and planning visits etc. We plan to rent the house out, go for 2 years and assess the situation after that.

The problem is that his mum seems to be devastated. No congratulations, no excitement, no pride. She is just being 'slapped arse face' about it all. The extent of what his mum has said to me about the move is "yes, when i heard Australia I just thought....wow. That's far" and "why would you move there, could you not get a job here?" with a completely dead-pan tone and glum face. His Dad doesn't say anything (good/bad) either way but at least he's not pissing on our chips.

I really wasn't expecting this as DH sees his parents about twice a year, and they have only ever visited us in the UK twice in the five years we have lived together. DH sometimes goes weeks (i mean 6 weeks) without skyping them, so it is not like their relationship will change much.

We have made clear that we'll be back in the UK every 9 months or thereabouts (already have a wedding in July 2019 to attend, etc) but she's just....miserable about it all.

Before anyone says she sounds like a dick, she absolutely is not. DH has a great relationship with his parents and I get on with them fine. They are normally loving, cheerful, supportive - just normal parents, so this is very unexpected.

Not really an AIBU, as I suppose we're not unreasonable to move and she's not unreasonable to be a bit down about it, but I guess what I'm hoping for is some outside views. Please help me see this from MIL's perspective because I'm just feeling confused and a bit upset about her reaction and am worried that if it continues it will impact my/our relationship with her.

Friends of mine have got a Ds and his family who've moved to Melbourne. My friends went with them to stay for six months, home for 3, and now back for another six. Your ILs should look at it as an opportunity for wonderful holidays. Tell them they're welcome to visit.

congratulations on your job offer op. I have lived overseas before and it was a fantastic experience (not quite as far as Oz but Asia). It was hard on my mum and DHs parents, we had young children too, but they visited and we all really enjoyed the experience. I am back in the UK now and have terribly itchy feet to return to Asia for a couple of years but the potential impact on my mum makes me feel awful. I wouldn't go forever but it is currently stopping me from hitting the apply button.
Try to understand how she feels, she just can't cover it up, but don't let that stop you from living your life and getting the experience of living overseas.

Are you able to pay for them to fly to visit you? As the leavers it's down to you I'm afraid to make it work. I'm a leaver. And anything less than a wedding means no visits for decades.

May I ask whose idea is 'no children'? Both of you or more so one than the other?

Sorry i was making dinner! I actually don't find my PIL that direct. In some respects, yes, e.g. If they don't like our decor they will say so! But in other ways i find them very indirect! E.g. My parents have ALL sorts of opinions on whether we should start a family. PIL stay well out of it!

In any event it's not the fact she was honest that got to me it's the fact that she couldn't be happy for us, if you see what i mean? If she'd burst into tears and given is a hug and said 'christ i don't know how I'll cope but by god that's a fabulous opportunity' that would have been one thing. But I'm struggling to reconcile this reaction with the woman who doesn't make much of an effort with her son in the first place. And i hear the posters saying 'well yes but the difference is that she could see him if she wanted to, in London' but that's the but i can't get my head around - why doesn't she?!? DH is just as bad, of course. I think he's been twice this year.

My parents live in UK but a flight away. They have been here i think 4 times this year (too much! But of course they're family and ultimately always welcome).

I would be so sad. I would try to hide it and be supportive, but honestly I’d be gutted. I want my children to be happy and do well, but if this happened I would miss them terribly, and life would change so much.

Be patient with your mil. Give her time. Moving to Australia is an adventure for you, but for her it’s something that is beyond her control and she is scared of the change.
Good luck with your plans. I hope it all works out for you.

Actually my brother was thinkng to move to Australia with his wife , she suggested it.

Yes we were all very gutted and couldn’t be happy for them.

You might not be seeing them often but perhaps they we’re picturing a tight knit family with grandkids they can have part in their life.

If you go Australia it’s alnost certain you won’t be able to see them except couple of times before they die.

I wouldn’t do it if not necessary. And if it’s a short term thing ( like a year or 6 month) then ok just reassure them.

I don’t think any parent would like to be that far from the son/daughter they raised all their lives.

Fleeing the nest is one thing, but being unreachable is a different matter.

IF you had kids you would understand. My DD has gone for a year or two. I tried hard to be encouraging but underneath was so sad because she loves Australia and I don't think they will come back.

Look at the North Shore if you can afford it. I used to live there as a child. The beaches are wonderful.

I went with my family to Australia and it quite literally broke my MIL heart not that she said anything but I knew. My own parents were also heartbroken but again did not try to discourage us. It is hard to appreciate others feelings when you are excited and proud of your own achievements but that doesn’t mean they are as you said pissing on your chips.
That makes you sound pretty selfish and unable to accept their feelings. I actually came back home as all the Skyping and calls does not make up for the lack of contact with my family and I am now rather ashamed that I took their grandchildren away to the other side of the world without realising how awful this was for them all.
This is your dh mother who probably feels that she is going to be even further away from her boy.

I know Bowerbird that's why I'm asking MN. I'm not sure I'll ever get why she particularly is so bereft (having lived apart from him for so long) but I am genuinely amazed to hear so many mums say how heartbroken they'd be - not just 'aww that's a shame'. Genuinely genuinely amazed. My parents are so different and that's all i have to compare this too.

I’d be delighted if my dd moved to Australia, it’s something I deeply regret not doing and dd is aware of that. We’ve been several times on holiday and she loves it there. I definitely don’t want her staying ‘local’ for my sake.

OP MIL is being selfish. She needs to suck it up and accept her DS is an eduated and sensible individual and his made his own decision on this. No one says she has to be delighted about this in private but she should be congratulating you and focusing on the ways she can stay up.to date with your life while you are round the world. Any decent mother would want the best and most exciting opportunities for their kids even if that takes them to another country.

@Milkandtwosugars you sound like a delightful MIL. Sounds like you would just be bitter your DS decided he wanted to be in Oz with his partner rather than saying in the same country as his mother.

It’s not just the distance - it’s the time zone difference - literally you are never in sync, even if you skype etc.

I’d be very sad - bereft probably - i’d beat myself up a bit about how I wasn’t supposed to feel like this and I’d do my best to hide it, but just thinking about it now, horrid.

But maybe it’s not a permanent move though, which puts a different light on things?

It’s funny how being a parent makes you see things differently. I had both my DC when I was living 18 hours away by plane from my mum. If I thought about it at all, it never once occurred to me that this arrangement was anything other than serendipitous for both of us. If my DC treated me like this, I would be heartbroken.

Snuggy I think I'm just struggling with it because he already lives 'far' from his parents.

A bit disingenuous to compare the distance fron the Netherlands to Australia in all fairness.

@giggly so do you disagree with migration in general? Everytime someone moves they leave someone behind. When is it socially acceptable for someone to leave the place they were born?

I would respect my DC’s right to live their own life, but would be distraught for myself and DH!

It doesn’t sound like DH is at all close to his parents, seeing them only twice a year. But obviously this has upset MIL. Not much to be done about it!

My husband and I had the chance to move to Australia and decided we couldn't be so far from our parents. They're not getting any younger and before we know it they'll be gone. I would also be heartbroken if my kids were so far. I understand why your MIL is upset. Do everything you can to reassure them that you'll see each other just as much as you do now.

His life I would wish them well and start factoring long hall flights in to my holiday plans. I lived in NZ for a year and my parents were great about it. My life is my life, my son's is his. He has to make his own choices

@witches to be fair i did also point out in the op that they've visited twice in five years. It's not at all inconceivable that they could achieve that statistic if we were in Aus for 5 years.

But they never make time to visit i.e. They'll never save two days of annual leave to pop over and they've never invited us on a family holiday. Tbh i find it a bit sad but it's DH's parents not mine and i stayed out of it! That's why I'm so shocked that MIL is so upset.

Your parents are different (and more able to express their opinion) because you are their daughter. It's different when it is your Son, they probably feel they have to tread carefully.

She'll be absolutely gutted, it's so far away. At least in London she can get to him without flying, somehow feels nearer. If his contact to her is sporadic anyway it will almost disappear in Australia. And she knows this.

Ring her. Lots. And get DH to do the same. You shouldn't miss this opportunity of course but make her feel important to you. A quick call every day or so to ask "how are you" is nothing. Make it part of your routine, either you or DH.

I would be devastated. My two are 16 and 14. It isn’t a day away. It is 24hrs and is hard work. I would worry that I might not be able to visit them for health reasons. I would so miss them. Completely different to moving within Europe.

Sorry, cross post. Why would they invite you on a family holiday? And if DH has been to them twice this year, why would they have to come to you as well?

Are you judging them based on what your parents do? Because that's not fair really. They might just not want to fly.

The flight to Australia is rubbish to be fair. It would inflict dread on some people

Honestly I suspect your MIL didn’t believe you/your DP about having no grandchildren and is upset that this is becoming real and you aren’t planning on having children. Possibly not about the distance more the reality of your life choices hitting home with her.

I would be absolutely devastated and certainly wouldn't be in a fit state to offer congratulations.