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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:
Tansytaylor · 20/05/2018 09:51

He's hardly out every hour God sends is he?

You're being unreasonable. Providing he pulls his weight and isn't out for hours each evening and affords you the same down time, then I wouldn't be pushing this one.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:00

Tansytaylor it's two nights a week now, typically practice on Wednesday & gig on Friday. He goes straight after work and due to the recent changes I put in my post, or the location of the gig, isn't back until after midnight typically. He's home most other nights and does help me then. It's just that I'm getting so knackered now with not sleeping & the Mon/Tues arrangement and the earlier practices worked so well before I feel kinda let down by the whole situation.

OP posts:
Hamandcheesebaguette · 20/05/2018 10:02

YABU I'm afraid... yes he is your partner and should be around to help out etc... but he has his own life and shouldn't have to arrange him, and his bandmates around your issues extensively.

SharronNeedles · 20/05/2018 10:04

I think YABU.
You're pregnant with a small child, that is hard, but unless he is preventing you from having some down time, I don't see why he can't have any?
Unless I've misunderstood, he's out one evening a week for a few hours but once every 2 weeks he is out 2 evenings a week? And when he's out you're with someone else so not on your own? I really can't see a problem!
Also, when in a band, when whole band can't work their lives around the wife of one of the members. If it really is a problem for you then I can't see any other way than him quitting which will probably make him very resentful of you!

PaintedHorizons · 20/05/2018 10:06

YABU

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 20/05/2018 10:08

The only options here are that you try and arrange it so it's ok for you by getting friends over or staying out as you have done previously or he quits the band.

You can't expect the other members to fall into line with your life as they all have their own lives to consider too.

I don't think it's an unreasonable amount of time to spend away, especially as he's hands on when he is there.

lindyhopy · 20/05/2018 10:08

YABU, you are giving in to your anxieties and you are having your dh pander to them too. You need to continue with the CBT and stop controlling your life to fit around your fears. If you keep trying to control what your DH he will resent you for it.

TooTrueToBeGood · 20/05/2018 10:10

I'm on your side. Going from 1 night a week and home by 9-10 to 2 nights a week and not home till after midnight is a big difference. All the more so when you have a 2yo and are physically drained. This is not a case of you being needy and unreasonably wanting to monopolize his time. It's him having the wrong priorities. You're meant to be a partnership. There is a compromise. What's stopping him finding another band that requires more suitable commitment from him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/05/2018 10:12

resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.

That's a hell of a noose...

Is there anything else you can do to help with this? More intensive CBT? Sleeping tablets? Napping on the sofa, night lights... I don't know really, but anything at all?

He's allowed a life too. It's not at all reasonable to expect him to be home every night before it's dark. What would you do without him?

This sounds very hard, but YABU.

NorthernKnickers · 20/05/2018 10:14

I opened this expecting to read about some hobby that took up hours and hours...which is what most of these threads about hobbies are about, where the DP spends every weekend plus 4 or 5 evenings and several long holidays per year away with their hobby! But this is a few short hours a week! YABU and more than a bit pathetic. Get a grip! Why on earth do you need someone with you, or to spend the night somewhere else when your husband is out for those few hours? You do know that women cope on their own all over the world don't you? 🙄

NorthernKnickers · 20/05/2018 10:17

Apologies...I missed the bit about anxiety OP. I still think you are being unreasonable though in your expectations.

Mxyzptlk · 20/05/2018 10:19

The situation with the band has changed so it's now not possible to go back to how it was.
If it's regular that he's late on Weds and Fri, are you able to organise for someone to be with you on those nights?
If you feel that you are coping with this, might it help you to feel better about it?

Tansytaylor · 20/05/2018 10:20

He can't be held responsible for you not sleeping can he? It does seem like a massive responsibility to be putting on someone.

A few times a week for a few hours indulging in a hobby is just fine. Providing you get the same time to yourself which I'll assume he's happy to give you

You need to work on your CBT and just concentrate on that for now

Returnofthesmileybar · 20/05/2018 10:20

Wow massively unreasonable, so he needs to be home so you can sleep? You need to get that sorted as you are being completely unfair.

BarbaraOcumbungles · 20/05/2018 10:24

Of course YABU. I say this as a fellow anxiety sufferer - you can’t expect him to put his life on hold because of you. The issue is entirely yours to deal with. He has a right to have a life and enjoy it! Are you on medication for the mental health stuff?

TwitterQueen1 · 20/05/2018 10:27

YABU. You cannot expect your DH tailor his life around your OCD and anxieties. He both needs and deserves his own hobbies and outside interests - even more so in the light of your limitations.

I'm sorry you are suffering with your MH and it's great that you're getting help, but please don't assume your DH needs to curtail his life and interests anymore than he is already doing.

NoMorePills · 20/05/2018 10:28

I have anxiety and it's pretty full on but I would never ask anyone to be home because of it.

happypoobum · 20/05/2018 10:29

I do feel sorry for you OP but YABU

Cat12321 · 20/05/2018 10:30

Do you have your own hobbies? It's important that you go and do things just for yourself as well. I think it'll really make you feel better.

whiskybysidedoor · 20/05/2018 10:30

Oh OP that not sleeping thing isn’t reasonable, normalizing it won’t do you any favours. I’m sorry you are living with it.

Honestly you need to sort it out before it impacts on your kids as well as your marriage. Easier said than done but you really must. Best of luck.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:31

OK, I asked for honest answers and I got them!
It's interesting to get your perspectives so thanks.
My OCD & anxiety does control a lot of my life - it's been the case since me & DH met 12 years ago and it's an awful lot better than what it was - when it got really bad I couldn't leave the house during certain times etc but now it's "just" sleeping when I'm alone and it's dark outside & some checking behaviours.
My OCD was worse when I was pregnant before due to hormones so I know this heightened level of anxiety will go away after I have the baby.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/05/2018 10:32

Yes I agree with the others...yabu. You need to take responsibility for your issues yourself, not expect to heap it upon your dh who is doing nothing wrong. He’s your partner, not your carer. It’s wrong of you to curtail his life choices to suit you.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 10:34

When your wife is pregnant, unwell and you have a toddler, it isn't a straight division of time so you both have 'downtime' - you do what you need to do to make sure your family come first and are happy. Two evenings weekly is more than his wife can cope with, so he needs to cut it down.

Anonymouscontent · 20/05/2018 10:34

How are you feeling about these replies op?

AhoyDelBoy · 20/05/2018 10:34

Yes YABU although I can see why you're annoyed as he now spends more time on his hobby than he initially did. At least you're trying to work through the issue now before DC2 is born. It seems there will be massive issues when you have a newborn and a toddler if a compromise isn't reached now. Good luck OP, I really don't see how this can be resolved in your favour apart from DH quiting the band which will cause a lot of resentment. It seems you're stuck between a rock and a hard place