to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

[littleneepo]

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

user139328237

But the OP didn't choose his hobby. He did. He can't use the nature of it as an excuse not to support his wife when she is pregnant and unwell. That is his problem.

@Pengggwn

'With no let up for her DH'

Or her. Why is he exempt?

The 'no let up' is to do with her needing him in the house every night. I'm not trying to be horrible, I'm simply pointing out that marriages can break up if there's a huge amount of strain. You would obviously be OK with a situation like the OP describes, but I'm being honest, and I'd be looking for a way out if I couldn't have a life.

Juells

And if your pregnant DH did temporarily need you in the house, not every night, but more than you wanted, would you leave him?

I can't answer, as I was the one who was pregnant. My life continued, though, including when I had a toddler and was pregnant.

minister you’re right. My therapist has been tackling one thing at a time with me - there was something else that needed to be looked at first but she wants to see DH at one of my appointments to talk about enabling so we’ll get to it I’m sure.

Juells

I don't think it was such a difficult question.

But okay: if you had needed the help, do you think your DH would have walked out? And if you do, is that something that makes you feel good?

I don't think it's helpful to the OP to continue poking away at this. She needs to find a way to deal with her anxiety, not to feel justified.

Juells

I think she can speak for herself if she feels that way.

Anyway, I'll take that as you avoiding the question!

walkingonaflashlightbeam
he hates seeing me being anxious & I notice often does things without me even mentioning to ‘manage’ my OCD. It’s become part of our routine now (little tiny things) With the band we found something that on the outside works - he gets what he wants & I’m not anxious - then he’s just as happy (if not more so) than I am. we both kind of forgot why we had that agreement as it worked (for others in the band too). Now it doesn’t work as things have changed and that’s why everything has imploded a little bit (as you’re right it’s just an enabling method and my therapist uses the term that it “feeds the OCD monster” rather than helping anything).
Knowing it and stopping it are two different things though.

I honestly don’t want him to quit the band. Not sure why no one on here believes me!

Imo this is an issue that should be treated the same way than any other disabilities. You need a system in place that allows for your issues to be dealt with just like you would have a chair lift in a house for someone who can’t go up the stairs.
I agree with this ^^, but the system has to work for everyone (to some extent) and so (like this PP effectively said) it's not a case of looking at it as DH having to stay home but as finding a way of making OP more comfortable. Same end goal, different route. Until you get the OCD / anxiety in check a bit more, look for different ways of coping.
I have autism &, as a result, high anxiety. It affects my life quite severely and I have an event coming up which is important to me but scary as hell in its usual form. Hopefully there's a way round part of it (but probably not all) and I'm having to remind myself that it's okay to take a different route to my end goal, and that I'm not a failure for needing to make adaptations. Luckily there are a couple of people trying to help and they're not making me feel crap about it - they're treating me the same as if I had a physical disability that needed accommodations.

Juells & Pengggwn

He has been happy in the past to help with things temporarily. This isn’t linked to my OCD at all but when DS1 was born I had an emergency c section plus an infection in the wound afterwards & DS1 had bad reflux and struggled to feed when he was tiny. We had no family nearby then and DH did pause the band for 6 ish weeks to help. Another band member had a baby around the same time so it worked well for everyone.
He didn’t feel resentful, he didn’t leave me, he even wanted to take longer off but I encouraged him to go back as I’d recovered by then.

Not sure why no one on here believes me!
Because it's not convenient for them!

Nikephorus thankyou, that makes a lot of sense

Nikephorus also, I’m sorry that your anxiety is affecting your life like that. Really glad you’ve got people there for you

It is two nights a week.

Stop putting your MH problems onto your DH to solve. You can't use him as a sleeping tablet.

*Littleneepo" I know this is is hard, but you will really need to find new coping techniques that don't involve other people. Because otherwise your children will become incorporated in it as they grow up, without you even realizing it. Whether it's checking the door is locked, letting you check their temperature too many times, reassuring you frequently that they're ok, not going to friends houses because you will be left alone etc. You REALLY need to get a hold of this NOW.

overthehedgehammy
I get what you’re saying. My dad has OCD, my mum had severe depression, my brother has depression and my sister has less severe OCD. We’re a bit of a messed up family tbh. I don’t know if it’s inherited or learnt but there seems to be a link there.
But I’m a good mum - I’m determined to not let my son be involved as him having MH issues is one of my biggest anxieties.

Then you will have to display "Do as I do" and not "Do as I say, and not as I do". If your DH is constantly enabling you, then your DC will learn to enable you too. Even if you don't want them to.

because I know it won't be easy for you.