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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:57

pictish It's not that I'm not happy for him to have hobbies. You say you'd extricate yourself from the relationship... probably if you met someone like me you'd never had a relationship in the first place! I guess I'm lucky in that respect that I found someone who understands my anxiety and has seen me improve dramatically over the years.

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 20/05/2018 10:58

When you have kids you usually expect that you have to spend most of your free time with them surely

From 8- midnight...yea that quality time with your kids... When their sleeping!!

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 10:58

Taking the anxiety and sleep issues out of it, if the time commitment to the band is increasing just at the time that OP and her DP are about to have another baby, then it is only sensible for the DP to talk to his bandmates about ground rules around what he can and cannot commit to for the foreseeable.

Any father of small children needs to balance his hobby with his family life. So don't make it about your anxiety, OP. You reassure your DP you want to work on that, but he needs to see it's about his whole commitment at this busy time in your lives and react accordingly too.

pictish · 20/05/2018 10:58

Having kids is not a housebound prison sentence Peng - or at least it isn’t in my home.

pictish · 20/05/2018 11:00

And yes, when this chap is out doing his thing, the kids are in bed. He is free to go out a couple of evenings a week. Don’t be silly.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 20/05/2018 11:02

Having OCD is horrible. Could you may be suggest the band meets at 7 on weds so he's back for 11? I know someone can't start until 8 but your dh could do a hr without him? Is there anywhere you could sleep on a friday? Or invite someone to sleep at your house?

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 11:02

HeebieJeebies The rest of that post also said that my OCD has got a whole huge load better over that 12 years! My original post also said that I have been through multiple rounds of CBT in order for it to get better. I'm not sitting on my bottom not trying to get better!!

OP posts:
Happinesss · 20/05/2018 11:04

Fattymcfaterson - I agree, hardly quality time between 8 and midnight.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 11:04

HeebieJeebies - my OCD means that my compulsions and anxieties change. I actually didn't start with the sleeping issue until after my son was born.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 20/05/2018 11:05

the problem with something like a band is that it's hard to find band members who work together well and have the right 'sound' so if he's got a band that's doing well and getting more gigs it would be a massive shame to stop that.

the rehearsal schedule has changed because the band members have changed, so you can't just go back to the old schedule. how about asking them to rehearse 7.45 - 10.45? is there 15 min leeway?

you're 29 weeks now, so maybe another 3 of months of heightened anxiety and ocd do you reckon? so if he can cut back for a short time would that work?

this is very hard. i can see both sides. you're trying your best to cope with debilitating mh and your dh is desperate to keep his band going esp as it's doing well. sit down and brainstorm and see if you can find any other solutions. anything - even hire someone to sit downstairs while you sleep?

Mxyzptlk · 20/05/2018 11:05

Good suggestions from FiveNightsAtMummys. ^

pictish · 20/05/2018 11:05

And OP - interestingly I have suffered from dreadful anxiety, although I am quite well just now. And yes, I was grateful and needful of my dh’s presence during those times...it has been so bad I have required long term meds to control it.
I still didn’t allow it to control my dh. I’m not self centred that way.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 11:12

Thankyou to those suggesting a different compromise, at least until baby is born and hopefully the anxiety will fade again. I got so stuck in my anxiety I didn't think of it

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 20/05/2018 11:14

Getting stuck in your anxiety indicates you don’t have adequate coping mechanisms. That means you need to put more work in. If CBT has only helped up to a point then you need to try other things.

WhiteFreesias · 20/05/2018 11:15

Yanbu.

The deal has changed significantly from what was a agreed. You're 29 weeks pregnant, have a toddler and your OH has three nights out a week. That might be ok for some families; would it be ok with your OH to be out of the house a similar amount of time?

I dont think it's so terrible but I know my OH would be more thoughtful.

SharronNeedles · 20/05/2018 11:16

I'm taking a total punt here, but I'm going to guess that an awful lot of people using this site have suffered or are suffering with some form of anxiety (purely based on the amount of people who reference it in this and other posts). So if that is true, there are many, many people who understand how hard it is to cope with.
I also have/am suffering with anxiety. I see death everywhere and I have been too scared to go into my city centre with my son.
As parents, grown ups and partners, you owe it to your family to not give in to your anxieties. You need to fight your demons, not pander to them. You are essentially asking him to stop being who he is to help you live with your MH issues. That isn't fair. If he's always been there for you for the past 12 years, very hands on when he is at home, works and is a good dad, then 2 nights a week while the kids are asleep is well deserved. He can't be your parent too to hold your hand so you can sleep.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 11:16

pictish I think everyone's anxiety / OCD is very different in both how it is displayed and how it affects them. I know a lot of people through previous therapy with OCD that it impacts them in hugely different ways.
I think you're lucky in that you were in enough control of your anxiety that it didn't control parts of your life.

OP posts:
Plasebeafleabite · 20/05/2018 11:17

OP I would consider that the band is his outlet from what might be quite a suffocating relationship given what you have said about the sleeping issue being recent. If he was to say he couldn’t live with the arrangements and left you’d be in a far worse place

And when you are in a band unfortunately its a collective and he is just one person. Its his hobby and presumably brings some income in

Sorry but I think you need to try and cope

elephantscanring · 20/05/2018 11:17

It sounds very hard for your dh. If your anxieties are always changing and this new one only started when your ds was born, I’m sure he needs time out to de-stress.

I’m sorry, but I think YABU. Good for you for working on your issues. Have you tried unpacking this worry and catastrophising? What’s the worst thing that can happen? Has it ever happened before? If your h was there, would he be able to stop it happening?

pictish · 20/05/2018 11:18

Oh I agree. It really does vary.
But you are excusing your control now.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 11:19

pictish

That wasn't what I said, was it? Hmm

MorningsEleven · 20/05/2018 11:19

My husband works away 2 nights and has 3 nights of hobbies a week. That's excessive and annoying. Two evenings is nowt.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 11:22

MorningsEleven

My husband goes out about once a week. I would have struggled with two evenings a week, every week, when we had a newborn and with a toddler and a pregnancy I would have struggled even more. People aren't the same.

CocoaGin · 20/05/2018 11:32

It's bad enough that your anxiety rules your life, without it ruling your DHs and your DCs. You are being massively unreasonable, and I personally wouldn't tolerate being told when I can or can't go out by my partner so they can sleep Hmm. If this post was reversed and a woman was being told this by a male partner, this thread would be full of LTBs and you are being controlled........

You have to stop behaving like this if you want to stay married and I mean that kindly Flowers

pictish · 20/05/2018 11:37

“If this post was reversed and a woman was being told this by a male partner, this thread would be full of LTBs and you are being controlled.”

I do agree with that.

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