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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:

Inkspellme · 20/05/2018 10:35

I think if this was a solo hobby of your DH's then it would be reasonable to expect him to stick to the same arrangement as the original one.

But it's not a solo hobby and its not reasonable of you to expect the whole band to work around your anxiety issues. I'm not dismissing your anxiety as a small issue but I would think that if you are that anxious all the time then your DH would need a break to be honest. And the amount of time the band is taking from your family life is not unreasonable.

So, in the gentlest way - YABU.

pictish · 20/05/2018 10:36

I’d be shit as the partner of someone who needs me to cut down two evenings a week of my free time to prioritise their anxiety Peng. I’d feel utterly stifled by having a curfew imposed by them and would probably extricate myself from the relationship. One life and all that.

BlueBug45 · 20/05/2018 10:36

@littleneepo you indicate you have family and friends' around. Instead of stopping your husband doing his hobby, so he will resent you in the long term and you increase the risk of losing him, I would interact more with them when he's busy particularly the ones who have been pregnant.

Other than that keep up with the CBT.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 10:37

But it's not a solo hobby and its not reasonable of you to expect the whole band to work around your anxiety issues.

The rest of the band aren't her problem. This is between her and her husband, not her, her husband and his mates.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 10:38

pictish

I don't understand what you mean by 'free time'. What 'free time' do you get as a parent of a toddler with a baby on the way, unless your partner is okay too? I just don't get that.

pictish · 20/05/2018 10:40

Hobbies/pastimes/interests and passions still mar-tier, kids or not. I have three children but have generally maintained my interests throughout as well. What is it you don’t understand?

pictish · 20/05/2018 10:40

Sorry - still matter

Original poster

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:42

SharronNeedles - \It's 2 nights a week past midnight after the changes. the new band arrangements mean I can't find people to be with me unfortunately which is what has resulted in the stress. I really don't want him to quit the band.

OP posts:

Original poster

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:44

Anchor - I don't expect him to be back before dark. Just before 11pm perhaps so I get a chance to sleep on the days when I'm knackered after looking after my toddler.

OP posts:

pictish · 20/05/2018 10:44

I have never had to ask my dh is he’s happy about me having free time or interests. He hasn’t asked me either. That we have interests, friends, stuff going on outside of the home is a given. It’s part of nurturing your partner within the relationship, to accommodate who they are and the stuff they enjoy as a whole.
It’s not like you commit to someone and shrink wrap your world around them.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 10:45

I think there are a couple of aspects, honestly.

It's not an unreasonable amount of time if he's hands on the rest of the time, as others have said.

But if you are struggling it would be great if he could help you with that, especially as you are pregnant.

You think it's fairly temporary (as in the hormones and extreme anxiety should back down when you've given birth), so perhaps it would be short-sighted to ask him to quit if you're going to be OK with it again in 6 months time.

However - going from 1 baby to 2 is challenging and you will need his support and if it keeps ramping up and up with the time commitment then you'll need to rethink anyway.

I would say: Weds evening practice from 8-11 is not unreasonable - you just need to accept you're not going to sleep before 11.30 that day, and resign yourself to it - do something productive in that time instead.

Friday gigs - you can lie in on Saturday morning, so as above. Try to invite someone over Friday evenings so you are not alone. If you are alone, reframe so you are catching up on solo TV or whatever floats your boat.

If it starts to creep up and up you need to have another word about it. But so far it's not a terrible amount of time. If he was gigging Thurs/Fri/Sat then of course that would be different.

for the HG and the anxiety, sounds tough.

Original poster

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:45

Barbara - I've tried medication but a lot has made it worse or harder for me to cope with my toddler so I don't think it's right for me

OP posts:

mindutopia · 20/05/2018 10:46

I don’t think you can expect him to be home just because you need to go to sleep, but as someone with insomnia, yes, I would expect him home at a reasonable hour on weeknights especially (so by 10pm, not midnight). It’s not fair for one partner’s hobby to be so intrusive that it wakes someone else up several times a week.

But I think you need to think long term about this. Whether it’s reasonable now doesn’t matter much as you’ll only be pregnant for a few more weeks. The main thing is how is this going to work once you have your baby? My older one is 5, but there is no way I would want to be doing 2 nights a week alone with a baby (ds is 12 weeks). My dh does occasionally need to be away overnight for work, but there’s a difference in occasional nights for work (or even more regular) and two nights every week for band practice/gigs. It’s hard enough with two of us! Baby always needs to feed at bath/bedtime and my dh is left to do everything else by himself and he finds just that really stressful some nights! I think you need to figure out how that’s going to work in the long run and I don’t think 2 nights a week for a hobby is compatible with life with a new baby unless you have a lot of help with your older one. Could they do practice Sunday afternoons or something?

Original poster

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:47

Cat12321 Yes I have my own hobbies, craft and piano - both quite solitary but I do go to a craft group every now and then

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 10:49

It's 2 nights a week past midnight after the changes

I think the practise night should definitely be up for discussion. They start at 8pm and practise till 10.30pm - he's back by 11ish?

Two and a half hours weekly practise PLUS gigs should be enough? Or they practise on a weekend daytime?

Gigs I think you have to suck up, but it would be OK to say no more than one a week?

Original poster

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 10:49

Anonymouscontent - it's hard to hear these replies to be honest! But I asked for honest responses (and knew I'd get them!) and some of the things people are saying are ringing true. Think I'll be having another talk with my DH later today

OP posts:

Candlelight123 · 20/05/2018 10:49

YABU I know your anxious but it's really not fair to pin your sleep issues onto him. You need to look at what you can do to help yourself through this, not demand he stays in with you.

TatianaLarina · 20/05/2018 10:50

The problem is that you have encorporated DH into your coping strategy for anxiety and that’s not fair. You cannot rely on another human to control your dysfunction.

You need to prioritise conquering this anxiety and get further treatment ASAP.

It’s not good to be this anxious around children - they pick upon on it.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 10:52

He is compromising for other people (band members who cannot start pre-8pm, or do Mon/Tues) - that's fine. They can also compromise for him (start at 7.30pm and at least be in the swing of discussions, set-up, fafffing around so that when 8pm-er arrives it's all systems go, or practise a daytime afternoon, or cut the practise shorter, or DH leaves by 10pm come what may even if the others stay out.)

Wannabecitygirl · 20/05/2018 10:52

I think twice a week isn’t fair on you. Could he just do one a week? Or can he have the toddler in the daytime for you to catch up on sleep.

bazingabazinga · 20/05/2018 10:52

Why are you scared of sleeping on your own? What has caused this anxiety? I have a friend who was similar and her DH threatened to leave on the basis that he felt like she was a third child. He worked shifts and it really put their marriage under strain.

FullOfJellyBeans · 20/05/2018 10:53

Two full evenings out is a long time to be away from your young family. There is no way OP gets that amount of down time. When you have kids you usually expect that you have to spend most of your free time with them surely.

Happinesss · 20/05/2018 10:54

YABU.
I think it’s totally unfair in regards that he can’t be out after dark as you can’t sleep until he’s home. That really is your problem, I would hate it if my partner was saying that and telling me what time I have to be home.

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/05/2018 10:54

My OCD & anxiety does control a lot of my life - it's been the case since me & DH met 12 years

So you expect other adults to organise their lives around your issues indefinitely?
Are you also going to expect the dc to live their lives pandering to it too?

You need to get therapy and deal with these issues properly otherwise you're leaning towards being controlling of others.
Ideally the sleeping issue would have been sorted out years ago, or at least before having dc.

You need to stop being co-dependent like this and take responsibility for sorting it out.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 10:55

pictish

I don't understand why someone would put their own 'free time' over the needs of their pregnant partner who is caring for their child.

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