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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:
Happinesss · 20/05/2018 15:18

Thewhale2903 the problems she’s dealing with at home is her own anxiety. That’s not her husbands doing!
She’s not said the toddler is up all night or causing trouble

sallus · 20/05/2018 15:20

Murane - Well, no, they aren't her problem, but neither is she theirs. She can't ask the other people to suspend the band for six months because of her needs. That's all I was saying. Your solution of "get him to pause for six months" doesn't really work. He either needs to find a balance between his wife's needs and his bandmates which his bandmates are also good with or he needs to drop out which OP has said she doesn't want.

Suspending it doesn't seem feasible at all.

Fattymcfaterson · 20/05/2018 15:28

All this talk of whether he should put his wife's needs over his bandmates needs.... What about HIS needs?
Or does he only exist to be a crutch to the OP

mirime · 20/05/2018 15:43

Those saying it's your issue and you should deal with it are underestimating the effects of tiredness in trying to deal with anything, let alone when you're also trying to cope with a difficult pregnancy - and the hormones associated with pregnancy that can play havoc with this sort of thing anyway.

But at the same time the band is obviously important to your DH and is something he enjoys.

Ultimately though I do think extra support while pregnant if you're unwell is not unreasonable to ask for from your DH, and to be honest I would expect my DH to prioritize my health and wellbeing over a hobby, however important, if I were pregnant. Of course once the baby is here it will have to be looked at again, but hopefully the hormonal chaos will have calmed down.

I was lucky in that pregnancy hormones actually reduced my anxiety rather than exacerbating it, and new baby exhaustion meant I could sleep at the drop off a hat for a few months afterwards - I also have difficulty sleeping on my own, I'm on Amitriptyline at the moment which has the welcome side effect of making me sleep.

pictish · 20/05/2018 16:19

“Or does he only exist to be a crutch to the OP?”

Yes that’s exactly right. In mn world, a decent man is one who ceases to matter as an individual in his own right the second he gets married or becomes a father.

“He’s got a family now.”, is the ominous phrase pedalled out on here.

SweetCheeks1980 · 20/05/2018 16:27

Penggwn
It's a little bit funny because

  1. She's a grown woman.
  2. It hasn't been mentioned but I guess she's trying to teach her children that the dark isn't scary.
And
  1. You sleep with your eyes shut so it doesn't matter if it's dark or light outside.
Gu33s3inpark · 20/05/2018 17:46

If you have a 2 year old, then you are not at home on your own. Do you have any pets, perhaps a pet would make you feel less alone. I don't think that your partner should give up his band, it is normal to have a life and hobbies out side the home

Juells · 20/05/2018 17:52

@Pengggwn

Playing in a band isn't exactly 'a hobby', it's a lot more than that.

Is it? What is it, then?

It's a communal thing, meeting mates, playing music, being creative. I've never been musical, but I see the huge joy and satisfaction that friends get from choir or being in bands. It's a huge thing to ask someone to give that up. TBH her DH sounds like an enabler.

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/05/2018 18:05

VivaKondo, you are totally right in that mental health conditions are disabilities and should be treated as seriously as a physical disability. However, the role of a carer and a partner is totally different. If the OP needs a carer if she can't be on her own at nights, then someone should be paid as a carer as their job. For a relationship to survive, one person can't be the full-time, permanent crutch of another.
People with disabilities who have full-time carers don't give up those carers when they find a partner, as they are totally different roles.

Mxyzptlk · 20/05/2018 18:09

Many people have to be full time carer for their partner.
Not saying it's ideal, mind.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 18:09

Juells

Like a knitting circle? Which is a hobby.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 18:10

SweetCheeks1980

Please gain some understanding of anxiety and OCD. It isn't a choice. You sound absolutely horrible.

Mxyzptlk · 20/05/2018 18:11

Being in a band is not the same as being in a club, say. If DH gives it up now it's very unlikely he'll get back with the same guys again and may also be unlikely he'll find another bunch of guys he fits with equally well.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 18:12

Fattymcfaterson

So, if I insisted on going out two nights a week, EVERY week, regardless of my pregnant DH's health or the needs of our toddler, it would be because I refused to be his 'crutch', rather than because I was being selfish. Okay. Hmm

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 18:28

Viva - thanks. You described OCD and MH in a much better way than i ever could.
It's a good idea to remind him that this is temporary anxiety as well, I'll do that

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 20/05/2018 18:29

Yes white frankly peng
The reason I say crutch, is because of the reason the OP needs him home.
It's not healthy to put your mental health in the hands of someone else this way. It's not fair on the DH. It isn't a normal request

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 18:29

OhHolyJesus - I don't go out in the evenings very frequently, about once a month. Mainly because I'm too knackered from feeling sick & throwing up most days and just need to sleep!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 18:30

Fattymcfaterson

But it is a request she is making whilst 29 weeks pregnant. This is the time when other considerations are secondary.

Juells · 20/05/2018 18:34

@Pengggwn

Like a knitting circle? Which is a hobby.

But it also has a social aspect. If a woman belonged to a knitting circle or a quilting circle, I'd consider a husband really horrible if he prevented her from attending that once a week, or twice. It must be very stressful to deal with someone who has high anxiety and OCD, surely he has the right to have a break? If he gives up his band now he won't be able to take it up again.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 18:35

LannieDuck funnily enough the reason that the new band member can't do Mon/Tues in the week is due to family commitments. All the band need to compromise as they all have lives outside - they were just so desperate to fill the gap that they said yes to this new guy very quickly.
When DS1 was a newborn, DH (voluntarily - his idea) took 6 weeks completely off from the band to ensure he was there to help. We didn't have any other family around at the time. This had zero to do with my OCD but more to do with the fact that I was completely cream crackered from having an emergency c section and newborn with bad reflux. We haven't talked yet about what the plan is this time, it's a bit different as we have friends and his family closer by now.
To be clear, this is a hobby band and my DH does see it as much. Although they are gaining in popularity they aren't earning a penny from it, in fact its quite expensive with travel, equipment, room hire, etc etc.

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 20/05/2018 18:36

The request doesn't isn't because she is pregnant tho, there is no logical reason why he should spend the next 3 months chained at home.
Feeding and caving into anxiety does not help long term.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 18:40

Theonlylivingboy The arguments happen because he sees I'm upset, I don't want him to see that I'm upset as funnily enough I hate hate hate this OCD so try and hide it which makes him angry (and then me angry & frustrated as there's no quick solution).
What I'll take from your comment is that a solution might be that I try and find a new job and/or change the days I work so that his practices then fall on days when it doesn't matter so much if I'm tired.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 19:08

Juells

If I wanted to attend my knitting circle twice weekly, leaving my DH struggling with MH, pregnancy and a toddler, I would be a dick.

pictish · 20/05/2018 19:27

I agree it is a hard gig being around someone with OCD and anxiety, the guy should get a break.

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 19:32

Fattymcfaterson - so if it was 'just' the tiredness of having a toddler & being in my third trimester with diagnosed HG then it would be fine to ask him to cut down a bit, but because it is all of that AND my OCD it's not fine? Or did I not understand your comment correctly?
and the request IS linked to the fact I'm pregnant - because of the reasons above and as I've said in other posts the hormones and tiredness are making my anxiety a lot worse

OP posts:
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