to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

[littleneepo]

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

2 nights off for him, should mean 2 nights off for you. If you don't choose to use them, then YABU

As pointed out above I think it would be unreasonable to expect a group of people to be compromised by your anxiety.

I don't think his commitment to the band seems unreasonable and if he's forced to quit I think he will understandably feel very resentful.

sahknowme

I hate this argument. Two nights out for one partner, two nights out for the other, so three nights in the house together. Right, okay. Then, when the DH wants to add a night to 'his' free time, the OP has to add one to hers (or she can't complain) and suddenly it's one night. It doesn't work like that. Compromise means discussion of the implications of what each person wants, not just splitting time down the middle.

What’s that saying about love that I like?

“Love does not sonsist in gazing inwards at one another, but outwards together in the same direction.”

Yes...that rings right with me. I do like and agree with it.

Sonsist? Consist, obviously. Gah.

I do agree that it’s not about a straight split in free time but dependent on a bunch of variables. I get more evening time out of the house than dh for example owing to the nature of my interests. It’s not a problem though - it’s not currency to be exchanged, it’s allowing one another to be who we are.

pictish

And I agree that is important, but I also think the last trimester of pregnancy when you also have a toddler to care for, isn't the time to put your foot down over it. It's the time to put your partner first.

@littleneepoo

I have a similar anxiety to you, i get terrible insomnia and i am unable to sleep properly if my DH isnt home

It has caused us some problems over the years, however it is my anxiety not his

He goes out once a week on a Friday evening, sometimes he does go out on a Wednesday evening

I manage this by ensuring I have locked everything up, set up a couple of Bobby traps by the doors dh isn't using to come back in

How do you manage your anxiety when he is out?

Well I’m with you OP

Your DH decided to make his life with your KNOWING the issue yu have with OCD and anxiety and how debilitating it is for you.
He also CHOOSE to have children with you, knowing all of that.

When you choose to live with someone who has some health issues, this means you WILL get restricted in some ways because of that.
And that means I would expect him to want to make the effort.

In this case, the issue is NOT that he is going out twice a night etc... but that he is doing WHILST you are on your own.
You are mentioning other arrangements in your OP, like having someone with you or stay at his friends etc.... what’s going on with that? Is that still possible, can you andhim organise something around that for example.
Imo this is an issue that shouod be treated the same way than any other disabilities. You need a system in place that allows for your issues to be dealt with just like you would have a chair lift in a house for someone who can’t go up the stairs.

What could help too is to present the issue to him ina Different way.
Instead of talking about how it is an issue to you, what about putting it as you wanting him to be able to go out andnd play with the band (which you say you want) but that you are really struggling to be at home. So how can you help him supporting you with that?

Bye OP MN is full of people who are, IMO, quite selfish.
People who seem to expect that, even if you are in a marriage, you should never impact negatively on your partner or ask for some special help.

I’ve always wondered how those people would cope if they were themselves getting ill and in need of support/adaptations.

So maybe take some of those comments with a pinch of salt....

The problem is that you have encorporated DH into your coping strategy for anxiety and that’s not fair. You cannot rely on another human to control your dysfunction.

This is what I was going to say.

I get your point that he sounds like a lovely man; and he's taken all this on board and it sounds like he's always done a lot to be a crutch and support your anxiety even when it was really awful. But equally, you can't expect him to live within the confines of your anxiety - and you won't be able to reasonably expect your children to, either.

Being back before 11pm is still a curfew. He's not doing it often. You know it's good for him and you say he's good the rest of the time - to be honest, I'd be trying to find a way to make this work without it being another compromise from his side, if that's at all possible.

Having been there, I know that anxiety makes it hard to see the wood for the trees. I know this will feel non-negotiable and very, very hard; and this type of thing isn't broken after a few nights on your own - it takes a lot more effort and time than that. I hope it does ease somewhat when the baby is born and that you find a more permanent way to ease it, too

• People who seem to expect that, even if you are in a marriage, you should never impact negatively on your partner or ask for some special help.

I’ve always wondered how those people would cope if they were themselves getting ill and in need of support/adaptations.*

Perhaps somewhat of a generalisation? I mean, I've had a fair bit of surgery and illness that has required support - I'm not saying you should never ask for help. You have to balance these things, though, and you have to help yourself too.

For the OP, this has gone on for 12 years. That's a long time.

YABU and controlling.

As someone who has GAD (medicated), I still think you are being unreasonable. You can't reasonably put a curfew on an adult - controlling someone in that way is just wrong. If a man gave his wife a curfew, people on here would be saying it was abuse. He is your partner, not your carer. You will have to try to get over this, whether by trying different meds (it took me four until I found one that worked - venlafaxine), therapy, or having a friend stay over.

When your wife is pregnant, unwell and you have a toddler, it isn't a straight division of time so you both have 'downtime' - you do what you need to do to make sure your family come first and are happy. Two evenings weekly is more than his wife can cope with, so he needs to cut it down.

^^This

If the pregnant one usually went deep-sea diving as her 'down time' she couldn't when pregnant.
If it's hormones making her worse, would it kill him to try and put her first till the baby's here?
And she won't be going out for some months, but he'll just carry on?

Penggwn thanks for your kind words

Cocoa I don't tell him when he can or can't go out. We have a conversation together and make agreements that suit us both - like everything in life when you're in a partnership. He has been going to these late practices and gigs, it's just been upsetting me (a bit of an understatement - constant anxiety & checking behaviours, shaking, fear etc).
He doesn't like some of my friends and would rather not come on some play dates at weekends etc because of it, I don't get upset about that. I know that with my OCD it's different, but I've had a good talk with him and not once has he said 'controlling' but he has said my OCD it frustrating.

dewdrops - thanks for the tips. I make sure that I lock windows, doors etc and that I've checked cupboards to make sure no-ones hiding. I try to only one though as that links to my OCD behaviours. I didn't think of traps!

Viva - thanks. With the increase in frequency of him being out I don't have enough people around, most people I know in the area are other mums who also have little ones to take care of and his mum can only do every other week. That's part of the issue I think - this was all manageable (we were both happy) before the band situation changed. The change has meant that I am now confronting my OCD more (which makes everything worse in my head). The CBT will help but only with time - it's not a quick fix.

and Viva - thanks. Some of the comments have shocked me a bit. I didn't think people would get so personal & negative with their comments. I just keep trying to remember that everyone on here is a stranger and doesn't know my or my DHs personality / history / rest of our lives etc.

I just keep trying to remember that everyone on here is a stranger and doesn't know my or my DHs personality / history / rest of our lives etc.

I think most people are thinking what it would feel like to be so controlled by someone else's problems. I hate going out at night, but I'd hate even more being told that I couldn't. I'm afraid I'd break and run eventually.

Anchordowndeepbreath
"This" hasn't gone on for 12 years. We have been in a relationship for 12 years and I've always had OCD during that time. I think I will always have OCD, but I really hope that I will be in complete control of it one day.
Some of the other ways it has manifested have impacted him less, if at all (other than concern for me), and we have had years within that time when I've almost been symptom free. The sleeping issue linked to his presence has been since DS1 was born (fear of DS1 dying and me not being able to save him), however it's always been a conversation and agreement between us. Yes he has compromised due to my OCD, but I have too on things he hasn't wanted to do or take part in for other reasons

I agree Juells no way would I put up with a situation like this indefinitely.
Every time the ops husband goes out he basically needs to get a babysitter for his wife.

I had an ex who had ocd . I suffered hg and anxiety / agoraphobia. So a lot of what you are going through is very familiar .

Things I learnt along the way

OCD if your partner adapts their behaviour due to ocd you actually become an enabler that long term is no help to anyone with ocd . So I stopped . Putting shopping away for my ex would take a good hour so I used to do it for him . I stopped I did it sometimes not others . It improved over time but would never if I continued to just do it.

Hg is rough and you have my sympathies for that.

Your anxieties are yours and actually again avoiding been alone won’t help. I do still suffer some anxiety but what I actually needed to find was my motivation to get better . I did have all the skills for me been pregnant really helped me work on my agoraphobia . I knew I would be in hospital to give birth , would need to attend gp appointments. That really helped .

I do have sympathies for you but it is for you to find a way through .

One other thing I used to think that helped was what do I have to do to change this situation .

It is tough but doable . I hope what I have said hasn’t come across as harsh but just someone who has come out the other end .I wish you luck

Juells - I feel like I'm repeating myself but I'm not stopping him or telling him that he can't go out. When the band circumstance changed I could of let my OCD completely take control and just say "no" but I didn't... I have been trying and trying to make it work (getting friends round, staying at others houses). I'm so knackered with my toddler, my HG from my current pregnancy, my hormones and with my OCD on top of that it's just really hard. That's it from me.