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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 13:19

happiness he doesn't need to get a babysitter for me!
I (and rightly so) organise all that myself - or if there isn't anyone I am home alone and have to cope with my anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 13:21

Starlight - what you said didn't come across as harsh at all. Good advice, and I know deep down you are right - he is enabling and my last CBT counsellor told me (and him!) off a lot for that. It's so hard as we both kind of forget as we fall into a rhythm where things 'work' and we think my OCD has gone away - but actually it hasn't, we're just kind of hiding it.

OP posts:
Chinnychinnychinnychib · 20/05/2018 13:25

Yes, OP, and I think you can see that him staying in at night is not true help, it’s just accommodating the OCD.

Happinesss · 20/05/2018 13:36

littleneepo ok, you arrange a babysitter for yourself thenHmm doesn’t make much difference though as you still make him feel bad when he goes out hence him saying he won’t play anymore.

SweetCheeks1980 · 20/05/2018 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Murane · 20/05/2018 13:58

Being apart four nights a week is a lot (assuming OP gets two free nights and so does her DP). If he's at work during the day and one or other of them is out every week night they are basically only seeing each other at weekends and the children rarely have both parents present. One night per week each is sufficient imo if you have young children. Your DP should be prioritising the needs of his wife and family for this very brief period when extra support is required due to pregnancy and new baby. If that means he has to take leave of the band for six months or whatever then so be it.

FASH84 · 20/05/2018 14:01

YABU it's not his fault you can't sleep without him

VivaKondo · 20/05/2018 14:04

agree Juells no way would I put up with a situation like this indefinitely.
Except that it’s just YOU happiness
The Op’s DH has shown and proven he didn’t mind (otherwise why in earth getting married having TWO dcs with someone who you knew right from the start had MH issues/anxiety/what is basically a disability???). So I would assume that HE didn’t mind and would ‘put up’ with his partner disability (I’m asuming you wouldn’t ever dare saying that someone’s face though....)

In any relationhsip, there is some give and take. Some people will be happy to accept xxx and others won’t.
General comments about how there is no way you wouldn’t put up with it (which also put a very strong negative judgement in the fact the OP is ill despite having done all the things she could to get better and with success as she has been better in the past and was much worse when they met) are not appropriate tbh.
MH issues such as OCD should be treated with the same respect than any other disability, incl physical disabilities. Would anyone dare saying ‘oh I couldnt put up with living with someone who is blind/death/can’t walk’? I very much doubt it so I’m not sure why it’s ok to be so judgemental about anyone with MH problem. At most people would say that they didn’t live their life the same and therefore are not compatible (even if the reason if the disability iyswim). Same shouod apply here.

Worth remembering that some MH CANNOT be cured, no more than you can cure blindness or having your spine broken. Any question along the lines of ‘what have you done to help yourself? You should stop xxx’ are no more acceptable than if you were saying that you a physically disabled person.

OP I’ve also noticed that you think this is a temporary situation as your anxiety is made much worse by the pregnancy (and I would assume that the HG is making everything worse too. Not fun for anyone, even wo anxiety to content with).
Would it hep to remind that to your DH too? As well as the original agreement you had with te aim of finding a different to fulfill it.
You might have to try and be orginal in your thinking. Eg having an au pair or a lodger so there is someone else at home for example if Just knowing therebis someone else is enough for you.

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 14:09

Let him give up take it from someone that lives with a man married to football. We have 2 children and since I met hi. He has had training o a Monday and Wednesday from 6 until 10.30 every week and plays a match every Saturday, leaves about half 10/11 and home about 5/6. I have need told repeatedly he will not give any of this up until he is too old to play and then he will coach. He also so.etimes plays friendly games with friends on a Sunday night. After I had my second baby, he was about 2 weeks old and my oldest son had a terrible stomach bug, throwing up everywhere and my baby had colic at night yet he threw on his stuff to go to football withought a care in the work I literally had to make a human barricade at the front door and shout at him until he stayed, very selfish!. Sorry about that rant. Now my kids ar3 older thpugh I'm glad he goes to get peace from him at night haha. Hopefully planning a third soon so will see how that one goes. Sorry about the rant!

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 14:10

I disagree what he has now is family life so tuff shit. He needs to give up while his partner is feeling like this and stop being so selfish!

OhHolyJesus · 20/05/2018 14:15

I don't think YABU at all - you are both working, have a small child and another on the way.

Hobbies and time your own interests come much further down the to do list for me. Nice if it can be possible but not to the detriment of anyone in the family suffering.

I would want time in the band to be reduced too. Frustrating fir him I'm sure but necessary for a short period of time in his life. When do you go out OP? Sorry haven't RTWT x

Juells · 20/05/2018 14:22

@Thewhale2903 what you're describing is totally different, your DH is just being a shit. I don't think that one night a week, two nights every second week, is outrageous for an adult to want. Playing in a band isn't exactly 'a hobby', it's a lot more than that.

megletthesecond · 20/05/2018 14:36

I'd try counselling and not bother with any more CBT. You may find that taking your time to just talk and gently unpick your anxiety is more effective than structured CBT. However it will probably take longer and won't be cheap.

sallus · 20/05/2018 14:43

Murane - but it's a band. There's a whole bunch of people involved, not just the OP's husband. Either she's asking all of them to put the band on hold for six months (VVU), or they will need to replace her DH which isn't really feasible for six months. He would realistically have to quit which the OP has said she doesn't want.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/05/2018 14:52

It's very unfair to make another adult responsible for you in that way. How would you manage if you lived alone? You would just have to find different coping strategies - so that's what you need to do on the nights he is out late.

LannieDuck · 20/05/2018 14:52

I think my position would be that you and he agreed to an arrangement. He now wants to change that, so the onus should be on him to suggest a new arrangement that would suit both of you.

There may be some flexibility in the band's practice sessions (certainly they already seem to have moved for other members), and if not, he should be trying to find someone to stay with you. If he can't find anything that will work, he may have to give up the band until your hormones are back to normal, and your symptoms are more under control.

Do you think you'd be able to manage his new schedule after the birth?

Mxyzptlk · 20/05/2018 14:57

Good point, LannieDuck.
He could have said he could only practice on Mon or Tues, rather than change for a new band member.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/05/2018 14:58

And it's somewhat disingenuous of you to present it as you not trying to tell him he can't do this when in fact by having the arguments you mention in your OP, you are steering him into a position whereby it is easier for him to give in and stay at home rather than go to the band. You say his giving the band up is not what you want - but if it genuinely wasn't what you wanted, you wouldn't be so narrowly controlling over the days and times he can practise - you'd acknowledge that sometimes things change and that's life.

Murane · 20/05/2018 15:08

There's a whole bunch of people involved, not just the OP's husband.
The other people aren't OP's problem. Either way someone is going to be upset, either the bandmates or his wife. Are you suggesting he should prioritise the feelings of his bandmates above the feelings of his pregnant wife? He can't attend all of the rehearsals and gigs - what the bandmates do about that is their problem, not OP's. She has every right to expect her husband to prioritise her above his mates.

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 15:09

Playing in a band isn't exactly 'a hobby', it's a lot more than that.

Is it? What is it, then?

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 15:11

Yup thank you I think that too sometimes. I get that bit now he has upped the time so how much more will it go up. If you don't get paid for it it is a hobby I'm affraid. My partner does get paid to play football granted it's between 25 and 50 a week depending where he goes but still a hobby in my opinion haha. OP do you have a hobby or something you can go and do? I don't and always get this thrown I my face but even if I did when would I fit it around his. He has missed birthdays for football!

Pengggwn · 20/05/2018 15:13

SweetCheeks1980

What a vile comment. The OP has a mental health condition. It is not 'ridiculous' of her to do what she has to do to be able to sleep, is it? I do not understand why you think it's funny.

Happinesss · 20/05/2018 15:13

VivaKondo of course it’s me! That’s why I put IConfused
And of course i would tell someone to there face they are being unreasonable if they don’t want to let there partner out to enjoy a hobby. Hmm

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 15:13

murane
I totally agree, why is being in a band more than a hobby, is it a job, clearly not because it wouldn't be such a problem if he was earning a wage out of it I'm guessing. I'm sure OP has given up things for her children why shouldn't he.

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 15:16

Tuff on him if he feels resentful. OP obviously feels resentful that he gets to go out and enjoy himself while she has to deal with the problems at home alone. Why because she is the woman and that is her "job".