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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to dial back on his hobby?

193 replies

littleneepo · 20/05/2018 09:48

Background:
We have a 2 yr old toddler
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, suffering with HG (just about under control with medication)
I have OCD & Anxiety problems - resulting in me not being able to sleep if I'm by myself when it's dark outside. Currently going through another round of CBT.
I'm at home looking after my toddler Weds, Thurs & Fri.

So DH is in a band, has been for many many years. They practice once a week at least in the evenings, and gig once a fortnight (again evenings).
After we had DS1 two years ago, we agreed that he would practice 6-9pm on a Mon or Tues so he's home by a decent time so I can still sleep, and I'm not too knackered as I've been at work rather than looking after our toddler (I find work quite relaxing! I've obv lucked into a good job). We also agreed that I would either stay at his mums / or a friends / or get someone to spend the eve with me if he was out at a gig late.
That's been working until recently - however over the past months there have been a few changes to the band (new member who can't start practice until 8pm, other band member now can't do Mon or Tues, band gaining popularity so more late night gigs etc) which have resulted in many sleepless evenings for me and very stressed out conversations between me & DH!
After all these arguments stressed conversations DH said the other day 'fine, I'll just quit the band, this is just not working'. Now obv this is not what I want, I know the band is a good stress release and is fun for him, but I do expect him to try and dial back or go back to our original agreement. AIBU? Honest answers appreciated!

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 20/05/2018 19:36

But that's not what your asking him to do though is it? Your not asking him to be around daytime hours when he could help with the toddler, let you rest etc. Your asking him to feed into your anxiety

SoapOnARoap · 20/05/2018 19:47

YANVU

SharronNeedles · 20/05/2018 20:11

I don't understand how you expect him to cut down 'a bit'?
He either practices or he gigs. If he doesn't practice, he can't gig, if he doesn't gig, there is no point in practicing...
I also find it very hard to believe that they get paid nothing for gigging especially if they're increasing in popularity? And if they are being asked to do extra gigs and not being paid anything for them, then they are muppets!

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 20:48

fattymcfaterson You're right, him being home earlier makes my anxiety less. However one of the problems of him changing to practice on days when I've been at home all day with my toddler (instead of on a Mon or Tues) is that he goes straight from work so I don't get help on those days with dinner, bedtime etc which is also unfortunately when my sickness is worse. Maybe since he's now not starting practice until 8pm I should ask him if he could come home first and help me and then go out afterwards, at least I'll be better rested and then it's not such a disaster if I can't sleep until later on.

OP posts:
Juells · 20/05/2018 20:57

Perhaps he could ask the others to start later? If he's changing days to suit them it's not unreasonable to ask them to accommodate him in return. If they started rehearsals at 9 it might mean he could get home and help out before going out to rehearsals?

Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 21:05

SharronNeedles -
I guess it's the specific timings or days that I ideally wanted him to compromise on, not particularly to cut back in total time spent. But we've been round in circles on that on feeding into my anxiety.
Re: earning money, maybe they are muppets then? They've got a deal where the venue give them the profit of ticket sales from people who explicitly say they've come to see them (minus the first 10 people). They've paired up with other popular bands who they like so I don't think many people put their name down. Maybe that will change in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
littleneepo · 20/05/2018 21:07

Juells Yes that's a good idea. It would certainly help to have some help wrestling my toddler to bed on those days.

OP posts:
Murane · 20/05/2018 23:44

It's a communal thing, meeting mates, playing music, being creative.
Sorry but it's still a hobby.

What about HIS needs?
His need for a hobby is outweighed by his pregnant wife's need for support and help with raising his child.

Well, no, they aren't her problem, but neither is she theirs.
True. So it's the DH's responsibility to negotiate between the two and prioritise his wife as he should. If that means he has to quit the band because of his family commitments then it's just tough.

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 08:15

It's a communal thing, meeting mates, playing music, being creative.

You're going to have to excuse me but this has been winding me up since I saw it Grin

He's not a 20 year old hippy. He is a grown up, married father. He has responsibilities that outrank the desire to 'be creative' and 'play music'!

Basta · 21/05/2018 08:38

I think you maybe need to find some coping mechanisms, even if they don't solve the underlying problem. Could you try going to sleep while it's still light outside? That's not particularly early at the moment and you might find you're able to stay asleep once you've dropped off. Or, if that doesn't work, do something relaxing and restful like yoga or meditation until your partner comes home.

Juells · 21/05/2018 09:15

@Pengggwn

He's not a 20 year old hippy. He is a grown up, married father. He has responsibilities that outrank the desire to 'be creative' and 'play music'!

When I was a married mother it didn't outrank my desire to be creative and do things I enjoyed.

If the OP was a SAHD who suffered from anxiety, I doubt that posters would be being as supportive if he wanted to suck all the joy out of her life, and prevent his wife from being involved in something she enjoyed. I'd have felt absolutely trapped if I'd ever been in the position that the OP's DH is, and I'd have run. Not because I'm a horrible person, but because I'm human and not a martyr.

It's all very well advising the OP to demand he stays at home and supports her, what good is that if he decides he can't face a life of having to be home before dark so his adult partner can get to sleep? It's unreasonable.

I had huge anxiety about being alone in my house, I got a burglar alarm with a remote control and a panic button. I turn it on as I go to bed and it removed my anxiety completely. The OP should be searching for ways to cope with her anxiety rather than trapping another adult for life. Other posters may believe that it's only for a short time while she's pregnant, I don't. The reality is that she has a toddler. That's it. All that talk of hormones really doesn't wash.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 21/05/2018 09:21

YABVU. Take the amount of time and energy you spend worrying about your DH's band practice/gigs into your therapy instead. You can't expect him not to have a reasonable amount of time out of the house doing a hobby that means a lot to him (and involves others relying on him too). He's obviously willing to give it up but that'd be a terrible outcome and he'd rightly resent you for it.

MH issues suck, they really do. But they're not an excuse to tie a rope around somebody else and control their life to make yours easier. Talk to your therapist, tell her exactly what you've said here and ask if you can focus 100% on getting the sleep issues under control, if she doesn't know this is a more pressing issue and is affecting your marriage and husband as well as you.

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 09:22

Juells

It is most certainly not unreasonable temporarily. I am not saying it should be a permanent situation. His responsibilities as a husband and a father need to come first at this point in time, because they are, ultimately, his first priority. If you disagree, that confuses me, in all honesty.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 21/05/2018 09:48

The problem is that you have encorporated DH into your coping strategy for anxiety and that’s not fair

Not only is it not fair, it's also not effective. OP if you're doing CBT I'm sure your therapist has talked to you about "safety behaviours" and how they may provide immediate relief from your anxiety but they keep the problem going in the long term. The difficulty is that you have made your DH one of your safety behaviours. This not only maintains your anxiety (by maintaining your conviction that you can't sleep unless he's there) but it also places restrictions in your DH and is causing problems in your relationship.
You need to talk to your therapist about this dependence on others to be able to sleep. Even if your DH quits the band (which he will almost certainly resent you for) it won't actually solve the problem, it just allows you to avoid the problem, because you still won't have developed the strategies to cope on your own.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 21/05/2018 09:57

Brilliant post minister.

And I hope PP who say this is the exact same as a physical disability read it. There's a difference. If OP is relying on her husband as a safety behaviour that's hurtful to her progress and anxiety long term as well as being terribly unfair and controlling towards him.

Refusing to 'enable' someone with a permanently broken leg doesn't mean that person, deprived of their reliance on the enabler, will be able to find ways to unbreak their leg. That's not the case with anxiety. OP can learn other coping strategies and learn to rely on herself instead of trying to lean on her husband inappropriately.

A long term physical disability probably isn't going to improve. Anxiety and OCD can. And even if it didn't, that's still no excuse for OP to put managing it on her husband unless he explicitly wants to be her carer and is recognised as such and happy to give up his own life.

If it's that bad OP, look into employing a carer for those nights. your husband is spending money on being in the band, it's fine for you to spend some money on yourself too (though only as a short term measure as like everyone has pointed out, it's only enabling the anxiety to keep having someone there).

Juells · 21/05/2018 09:58

@Pengggwn

It is most certainly not unreasonable temporarily. I am not saying it should be a permanent situation. His responsibilities as a husband and a father need to come first at this point in time, because they are, ultimately, his first priority. If you disagree, that confuses me, in all honesty.

So right now she has a toddler, and she needs him so she can get to sleep. In ten weeks time she'll have a toddler and a baby, so she'll need him even more so she can get to sleep. Then she'll have two toddlers. Then they'll be the terrible fours and the terrible twos...it stretches on years into the future, with no let-up for her DH. I'd expect my partner to give me a night or two off a week, and for him to have the same. Not for either of us to be glued to the house forevermore.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 21/05/2018 10:06

I'm surprised your therapist hasn't worked with you yet on identifying and then reducing safety behaviour. do you understand what a safety behaviour is and why/how they make anxiety and OCD worse in the long run?

I highly recommend you do speak to your therapist about this, and do some reading around safety behaviours. There's plenty online. And share it with your DH: he's doing the right thing by not pandering to you when you ask him to curtail his normal activities to reduce your anxiety. If he sees this then hopefully it'll reduce a bit of pressure on him knowing he's doing the right thing even when you're in an anxious state.

user139328237 · 21/05/2018 10:06

@Pengggwn
But being in a band isn't normally something that can be given up temporarily so the choices are continuing as at present, attempting to reach some sort of compromise with band members (which may or may not be possible) or quitting permanently. I think some posters are failing to realise that unlike most hobbies being in a band isn't something that you can wander in and out of at a moments notice without consequences for others.
@OP
If he is finishing work at the usual 5-6pm he definitely has no excuse not to come home before practising to help with dinner and bedtime...

Juells · 21/05/2018 10:08

I do think it's fair enough to ask if he can come home after work to help you get the toddler to bed.

Original poster
littleneepo · 21/05/2018 10:12

Juells
Your last comment was really helpful but then I read that your most recent one!

  1. Implying I’m “trying to suck all the joy out of someone’s life” - gosh if the band is the only joy he’s got then I feel really sorry for him!! he’s got other hobbies he really enjoys at weekends (motorbikes), he adores our son and is enjoys swimming and days out with our son (and me which may be a surprise to you!)... the band is one thing out of many things he does, AND I’m not trying to stop him from doing it!
  2. Implying he’s a “martyr” and I’m “trapping another adult for life” - really do you think he wouldn’t have legged it years ago if he felt trapped?! He’s not a saint by any means he’s a normal human man! He doesn’t have to be home before dark it’s just I get ridiculously anxious & my compulsions kick off if I’m alone after dark at the moment. which isn’t something I can just switch off like that! I do my best to hide my anxiety from him so he doesn’t feel bad, but actually that probably makes it worse.

I’m glad that you found something to help your anxiety - I haven’t yet found a fix like
yours as my fears are different (linked to death not burglars) and I haven’t yet found an alarm for it! Funnily enough I used an
Angelcare monitor when DS1 was a newborn which alleviated this anxiety. My therapist actually told me I shouldn’t have used it as it was another reassurance crutch which allowed my anxiety about DS1 dying to start to build. As I’ve said before I’m doing CBT again and some people have made other sensible suggestions which I’m going to try. Like I said to someone else on this thread I’m not just sitting on my backside I’m actively trying to stop this!

Of course my OCD isn’t just going to go away once I have this baby - but I DO know (from talking with my therapist) that the pregnancy hormones and constant sickness will be making it worse and things will calm down after DS2 is born. The same happened last time I was just pregnant, the anxiety then just wasn’t linked to something my DH was involved in.

I understand that the general consensus is that I am being unreasonable. However there might be temporary solutions available until I crack this anxiety / DS2 arrives

OP posts:
WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 21/05/2018 10:13

It's also very likely that being in the band is an escape for him from the stress at home of a toddler and a spouse with such severe MH issues she doesn't want to be left alone at night.

If you put pressure on him and he quits, that's going to make things even worse I think. More of a pressure cooker at home and more chance of him feeling suffocated and leaving, then you wouldn't have him any nights at all.

I know it sounds wanky and pretentious but when music is your love, something like being in a band or playing music can be one of the most important things in your life. Yes he has a partner and child to think about too, but if it weren't for OP's anxiety nobody would be saying he is neglecting home life for the band. It's OP's unreasonable expectations that are causing the problem, not that he's in a band and practicing/gigging a couple nights per week.

He will rightly resent you if you continue to pile on the pressure and he quits. You get your short term relief as he's there every night but, like enabling the anxiety, things will be much much worse in the long run.

It's tough living with a MH issue (I'm there myself). It's also very difficult being the partner of someone with one, especially if you're being used as a safety behaviour and expected to restrict your own life and enjoyment. I know how difficult it is to look outwards when you're in a bad place mentally but his mental health matters too and clearly being in the band is something he gets a lot from.

Juells · 21/05/2018 10:15

I really wish the best for you, and hope you manage to overcome your anxieties.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 21/05/2018 10:19

Apologies for multiple posts OP. More came to mind.

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 10:19

Juells

'With no let up for her DH'

Or her. Why is he exempt?

Pengggwn · 21/05/2018 10:23

I find the posts including the thinly veiled warnings that the OP's husband will leave if she asks him for more support repulsive, in all honesty. If my DH was prepared to put his band before his family, I'd pack for him. I expect him to respond to temporary necessities like an adult and a father, not a spoiled teenager or a kid taking his ball home.

Honestly.